The Dating Game, Pt 3: Sex!

Sex, all the time.

Sex, on my mind!

Sex, everywhere I go. I’m tryna let you know.

It’s stronger than any drug, even love.

S-E-X!

-“Three Letter Word” Jamie Foxx

Thank God it’s Friday! We don’t know what has been going on in your world, but we can surely say that it has been one hectic, long and cold week around here. However, it’s finally Friday and we are glad to welcome you to another edition of “She Said, He Said.” As you know, a couple of weeks ago, we decided to address the ever-evolving world of dating and the rules that govern the dating game. Since there is so much to discuss, we decided to create a mini-series on the topic because in the months leading up to this series, it had become abundantly clear to us that many of you were playing way too fast and loose with the rules and were quickly on your way to ending up in a roadside ditch. However, since we don’t want to see the demise of your love life and don’t want you to end up in a roadside ditch, we decided to pen this series called “The Dating Game.”

The series began, as it should have, with us talking about first dates and everything you need to know about them. We talked about what to wear, what to do and who pays. Last week we took a slight, yet related, detour to discuss catfishing and the need for transparency in dating and relationships. For those of you who missed last week’s post, no we were not talking about catching an actual catfish; if that’s what you thought, you need to quickly read last week’s blog post for more info and get your life immediately. So, here we are in week 3 of our mini-series and what are we talking about? Well, we’re glad you asked. This week, ladies and gentlemen, we’re talking about sex. Now, let us forewarn you, this week’s post is not a Danielle Steele novel, an ode to “Fifty Shades of Grey”, or a letter to Penthouse magazine. No, this is a serious discussion about the basics, just the basics, of sex. While those of you who think you’re the “Kobe Bryant’s” of sex because you’ve been in the game for a while and believe that there is nothing to learn here, don’t get it twisted, there is always something to be learned. And for those of you who are the “Kyrie Irving’s” of sex, rookies in the game still trying to master the rules and the techniques, you may feel overwhelmed but no worries, we’re here to help. So, read slowly, take good notes and call if you have questions.

Before we dive in, we would be remiss if we didn’t give you the real about sex. Let’s face facts, in an ideal world, we would all follow the words of the Good Book and abstain from having sex until we are married. We say this for two reasons: (1) because the Bible says so; and (2) because sex complicates things. Anyone who has had more than one partner knows that sex adds a whole different dimension to any type of relationship and unfortunately, that new dimension isn’t always a good one. For those of you at home, work, or the hair salon reading this shaking your head and saying “nuh uhn”, you’re lying to yourself. For all you ladies with that “Ill Na Na”, you know you’ve had your fair share of stalkers who’ve come after you begging for the goods long after you’ve vanquished them. And for the mandingo warriors in the audience, many of you know what it means to hit the bottom and you’ve experienced having a chick text you from her man’s house asking when you’re going to knock her down again, even though you’ve told her countless times, a million different ways, that you’re done. Even for those of you with just average or above-average sex games, there is something about the melding of two (or more) bodies together in that animalistic methodology that causes people to act crazy. So beware because sex can often take a great thing to something very strange and completely unwanted.

As we stated earlier, in an ideal world, everyone would wait until they’re married to have sex. However, this world isn’t ideal. People do what they want to do and the reality is that most people will not wait until marriage to “get down on it”. Sex is everywhere so why wouldn’t we want to get some, especially if everyone else is? So, in this day and age, for the vast majority of folks all across the globe it’s all about sex. Lucky for you, this blog post will help you navigate the waters. Without further adieu, in the words of Salt ‘N’ Pepa, “Let’s talk about sex, baby. Let’s talk about you and me. Let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things, that may be. Let’s talk about sex!”

Jump-offs

We’ve talked about jump-offs before so you know how we feel about the nature of this relationship. Jump-offs have such a maligned name that many people are hesitant to even speak of the jump-off relationship/situation outside of the comforts of their circle or therapist’s office. However, there are some benefits to this relationship. One of the benefits of having a jump-off is sexploration. Sexploration is defined as a refinement of sexual skills where there are very few boundaries, which can take you to heights (and depths) unknown. Jump-off situations usually arise because a person doesn’t want to be in a relationship but needs a buddy to keep the bed warm at night or to be available for a few minutes of sexual healing at 3 in the morning. If you’re in this boat, a jumpoff is the perfect sexual relationship for you-no drama, no strings, and limited boundaries.

However, you must remember the cardinal rules: You don’t make love to a jump-off, you merely have sex with a jump-off. As BBD said, “you can slap it up, flip it, rub it down” but oh noooooo, you can’t love it, cry about it, cry in it or catch feelings for it. No sir and no ma’am, that is not a part of this game plan.

One Night Stand

What’s the difference between a one night stand and a jump off? We’re glad you asked. A jump off relationship may continue on for a significant length of time while a one night stand cannot, hence the reason it is called a one night stand. Since we are keeping it 100, you need to know that one night stands are typically the products of drunken nights, random vacation interactions and poor judgment. We would venture to say that Ciroc and Patron have produced more one night stands than Coke (the cola). The appeal of this arrangement is that there are no strings attached and after you’ve done the deed, you don’t ever have to see, hear from or talk to this person again. It’s one and done. Truth be told, if you’ve never had one, you might want to put it on your bucket list.

Keep it Live

There is a reason why nearly every married with children type of sitcom talks about how boring married sex can be. That’s because once people get married, they become complacent and lazy and stop performing the sexual tricks they performed when they were “auditioning” to get their mate. If you were David Copperfield before you got married, don’t think it’s okay to put your tricks away and become a birthday party magician. That’s not cool. We know as time moves on, work hours become longer, family responsibilities grow, life gets in the way and body parts begin to expand like the Red Sea and sink like the Titanic. However, that has NOTHING to do with the romance, the fire, and the spark that should endure in any relationship. If you want to keep the relationship, you’ve gotta keep the sex. Point blank period.

By our very nature, we grow tired of things after a while. It’s the reason why every year men buy a different version of the same video game (Madden, NBA2k, Call of Duty). It’s the reason why women buy the same sweater, dress, or pair of shoes in 4 different colors. It’s the reason why you buy your kids a million toys for Christmas because one just isn’t enough to last them until their birthday or next Christmas. You have to keep it live and you have to keep it fresh. So, get some condiments, some toys, some instructional videos and have at it. Failure to do so may make you a complicit actor in the demise of your relationship.

Making Love

This is, by far, the most serious yet amazing sexual experience any two people can have. What separates sex, a jump off, a one-night stand and some run of the mill sexcapade from making love? It’s the passion, the feeling, the emotions, and the love. When you make love to someone, you’re not just trying to climax or get your rocks off.  When you make love to someone, it’s more than just one person’s selfish means to an end; it is a journey to mutual gratification. It is pleasure and, in some cases pain (the good kind), but it is a sensual expression of love. You can’t make love to and with everyone and you can’t do it with just anybody. Making love should be reserved to your special person, a person with whom you are in love.

In closing, while we may or may not believe in abstinence, there’s a reason why other people do; and it’s not just because of religious beliefs or possible life complications. The reality is that every time you have sex with a person, you take some aspect of that interaction with you as you move on to the next one. Whether it’s the experience, the emotions, or a virus, you take it with you. So, there is something to be said about keeping your numbers low and watching who you sleep with because you may not want to take an entire men’s basketball team or the cheerleading squad with you everywhere you go. But hey, we’re just here to help because we know that ultimately, you’re going to do what you want to. And, as you do what you do—just wrap it up, keep it safe, and try to avoid making and having babies unless you have planned it or you absolutely want to! Until next time, stay safe out there! 

The Dating Game Pt. 2: Transparency

Happy Friday Folks and welcome to this week's edition of "She Said, He Said." Before we get started, we have an announcement. Friends, Romans, and countrymen, lend us your ears. Last week we made some promises, and everything we said we meant. Unfortunately, we have to take a few things back. We told you we would dissect and expound upon the topic of dating. We promised you that we’d continue our dating series with a conversation on the ever exciting, yet oh so complicated, topic of sex; but we can’t. We will live up to that promise, but it will have to be next week. This week another topic has piqued our interest, grabbed our hands and demanded our attention. Nearly every week we get suggestions on how to make the blog bigger and better. And most times, we put those on our list of topics to discuss but continue to address the topics we want at that moment. But that doesn’t mean we don’t listen; we receive a lot of suggestions and ideas (by all means keep ‘em coming) and this is a once a week platform so we have to pick and choose what we cover and when. However, this week, the perfect storm of events came together which lead to this post.

One of our blog followers made a suggestion that we talk about relationship transparency to which we responded, “duly noted” and kindly placed it in the suggestions pile. Combine that suggestion with the fact that Notre Dame linebacker and Heisman Trophy runner-up Manti Te’O was allegedly “catfished” or “catfished” himself, we couldn’t resist the urge to address this topic immediately. In light of this incident, we realized that the dating world may be confused, perplexed or ignorant to what is required in a relationship. As one of our followers so eloquently put it, “real relationships [including dating] are about transparency.” While this sounds good in theory and seems quite intuitive and straight forward, judging from what we’ve seen and heard as of late, it clearly isn’t as straight-forward as we would like to believe. So, allow us to provide our two cents on transparency as it relates to relationships.

Most of you are aware of and have seen the captivating and mesmerizing MTV show entitled “Catfish”. If you haven’t, you have to ask yourself, “what is my life about?”If you are among the group that needs to “get your life,” allow us to provide you with a brief summation.  The show actually started out as a documentary movie based upon the dating experience of a young man named Yaniv “Nev” Schulman. Nev (living in New York City) began a long-distance online relationship with a woman named Megan (living in Michigan), whom he had only met on Facebook. Nev and Megan talked all the time and began dating. After falling in love, Nev was determined to meet the woman of his dreams. However, when he met her, he discovered that the woman he had been talking to was not the woman he had fallen in love with and that she lied and made up the entire Megan persona. After Nev’s film debuted in 2010, he received hundreds of emails from people with similar experiences of heartbreak, heartache and pain. Shortly thereafter, “Catfish” the TV show was born. In the show, Nev and his camera crew travel across the country helping others figure out whether they’re being “Catfished” (yes “catfish” is a noun, a verb and, in certain circumstances, an adjective).

Now, we will admit that we have watched every episode of “Catfish” and we will continue to tune in until the Good Lord says otherwise or it gets cancelled. However, we also admit that after most episodes, we are thoroughly confused by how the “catfish victim” or “catfishee” if you will, didn’t see ANY signs of odd behavior or never explored the questions they had (until the very end) about whether this person really was who he/she said he/she was. In the age of Google, Bing, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, public records requests and everything else, it is hard to believe that people haven’t done their research. It’s also hard to believe that people genuinely fall in love with someone they meet on the internet, through a social media site, but never Skype, Face-time, video-chat, or see in person. However, not only does this sh*t happen, it happens all the time.

This.Is.Not.Normal. So, if you happen to be in a “serious relationship” with someone whom you’ve never met, never seen and have no date certain of when you are going to see them, you may quite possibly be getting “catfished”. Relationships and dating are about truly being transparent with your boo, love bunny, partner, significant other, fiancé, or spouse. How can you fall in love with a person whom you don’t really know? How can you engage in conversations about getting married, having children and growing old together when you’ve never even seen this person, and your only forms of communication are texts and the Facebook pictures they send to you? You can’t. Point, blank, period. You just can’t.

Now, while we’ve been discussing transparency in the case of “catfish” relationships, transparency also extends to real relationships with a person you see, interact and interface with everyday. Yes, we are talking to you people who are in relationships but think it’s okay to lead secret lives. As our follower stated, “real relationships are about transparency. NOT being Facebook friends with someone you are seriously dating or someone that you like a lot is bulls**t,” and we agree. If you’re dating someone more seriously than just a date here or a date there, or have gone so far as to put a title on your relationship, you need to open yourself up to your significant other and keep it 100. Most times, people keep secrets or live secret lives for 2 main reasons: (1) they are attention whores who may say and do things that test the bounds of acceptable behavior within the confines of a relationship; or (2) they are actual hoes and, let’s be frank, sharing social media with you would severely inhibit that.  Good people that is not transparency. In fact, it is the opposite of transparency.

If you are in a relationship with someone, you should not feel like you’re always in the dark. Instead, you should know of your boo’s whereabouts because he/she tells you and not because you had to snoop around; you should know that he/she has a Facebook page and not be prohibited from being Facebook friends; and you should be able to follow your significant other on Twitter and Instagram because he/she has nothing to hide. Unless you actively decide that you do not want to follow or befriend your significant other, there is no reason that you should be prevented from doing so. But, if you decide that you don’t want to follow or befriend him/her because every time you log-on to Facebook or Instagram you feel thoroughly disrespected and are completely pissed off by the content of your boo’s page, you may need to find a new boo with more appropriate social media sites. Bottom line, there is never any justification for feeling like this is normal behavior because it’s not. If you’re in a relationship with someone who keeps secrets, maintains some semblance of illusion or mystery and isn’t a magician or a secret agent—you should probably consider your options and contemplate moving on to the next one. Always remember, not being in a relationship is better than being in a relationship with a ghost.

As we stated from the beginning, relationships are about transparency. If you are in a relationship, both you and your significant other should be able to speak freely, tell each other anything, and know the intricacies of each other’s lives. You should also have the opportunity to know what each other looks like, see each other in person and have a relationship that involves more than just a few phone calls, text messages and emails. Be open, be honest, be upfront. If you can’t do those things, maybe you need to reconsider why you’re in a relationship. However, if you want to stay in the relationship, you need to become a member of the Do Better Coalition and the first rule of the Do Better Coalition is to DO BETTER. If not, let your partner or spouse go so that he/she is free to find somebody else.

So good people, the moral of the story is that catfish has its place and that’s on the bottom of lakes, rivers and tributaries. It does not belong in your dating life unless you’re serving it up with a plate of grits and hush puppies for dinner. Also, remember the importance of transparency and you will be good to go. Until we meet again, don’t get “catfished”!

The Dating Game

The Dating Game

Happy Friday good people and welcome to another edition of “She Said, He Said.” Now that you’ve had a full week and a half under your belt in the new year it’s time to get down to business and quit the “holiday bullshi**ing.” You know exactly who you are and YES, we’re talking to you because if we’ve gotta do it, you’ve gotta do it too! Today’s blog post is the first installment in a series addressing the concept of dating. In light of some recent twitter conversations, we’ve decided that it’s about high time we address the intricacies involved in playing “the dating game”. It’s no secret that dating is complicated and involves a lot of stuff. There’s first date etiquette, exclusivity issues, haters, sex, drugs and rock and roll. Heavy…we know. But fear not young grasshoppers! Due to our undying love for you, and our years of experience in the game, we’re here to help you work through it.

As with most things in life, there are rules to dating; we call it dating etiquette. For those of you on either end of the dating spectrum (never really dated or dated lots of folks), you may feel that the rules suck, that they are unnecessary and that it is better to just date and see what happens. My, my, my how naïve you are. The rest of us who know better quickly came to realize, understand and accept the fact that unless your desire to change the rules is matched by the similar desire of your dating partner, you’re getting played. It’s like playing flag football when your partner thinks you’re playing tackle. Someone’s going to get hurt and it’s likely to be you. As such, it’s better to just play by the universal dating rules rather than attempting to be a revolutionary because, as you learned in American History, most of them died.

So, as you wrap your mind around embracing these rules, we will take you on a step-by-step tour of the wonderful world of dating from beginning to end. Again, we’re no experts but since we’ve done this a time or 20, we may be able to save you from breaking anything from the bank to a heart. So, from the beginning...

First Dates

First dates are like job interviews. The key is to make a good impression so you can put yourself in the best position possible to get a call back. So, for starters, if you are genuinely interested in this person and want to explore where the situation goes, you’ve got to play it cool. That means you should shy away from conversations about your views on women being pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen or your burning desire to be married in 6 months. You should also shy away from doing the most-nothing is worse than being on a date with a person who tries too hard-your date will see right through you, you’ll look crazy and this will be your first and last date with this person. We guarantee that if you make a bad impression, you, the date and any post-date attempts at flattery or a second date will be fodder for all of Twitter/Facebook nation. Is that what you want? We think not.

Inevitably, some dates will work out and some will be utter and complete epic fails because dating is a crap shoot. However, in order to have your best chance at success, do what you know and be cool-remember your manners, keep the conversation light, ensure that you aren’t dominating the conversation, attempt to be non-judgmental and just go with the flow. If you try to be too open, you will scare your date into thinking you have diarrhea of the mouth and if you’re not open enough, you will surely come off as though you have something to hide, neither of which is a good look. So, in the words of Guy (for all my 80’s babies), “Just Chill!”

Before we move to the next stop on the dating game tour, there are a few other concepts and ridiculous myths we must address and dispel:

1        Clothing/Attire: to keep it 100, a first date is not the night to dress like you’re going to make a McDonald’s run at midnight or like you’re headed to go work your hours on the heaux stroll. The look you should be going for is what we call conservatively sexy. Women-it’s okay to cover your body parts and leave something to the imagination. The key is to accentuate your curves, throw on a little lip gloss and eyeshadow, make sure your hair is neat and give him just enough to make him want more--that’s conservatively sexy. You can hardly be upset if you’re spilling out of your top and he’s paying more attention to the twins than to the conversation when you put them on full display; think about it.

Men-please replace the sneakers with some “hard bottoms” and make use of that blazer/sport coat you use for interviews and nice dinners. Make sure you’ve showered and shaved, clean the dirt from under your nails and don’t look sloppy. Please save the “just left the gym” look for when you’re going to the gym. Women love nothing more than a man who cleans up nicely, looks good and smells good because they are so few and far between.

2        Dating Activities: the possibilities are endless when it comes to what you can do on a first date (or any date for that matter). Some ideas that immediately come to mind are going to breakfast/lunch/dinner, cooking and inviting the person over to eat, having drinks at a bar/lounge, ice skating, bowling, or miniature golf. Again, you can do just about anything. However, please note, movies are NOT an option. Although going to the movies has been a popular date option since the beginning of time, it’s not a good option for first dates because it doesn’t allow you to talk and get to know your date. Unless it involves dinner afterwards or you’re watching a movie at your place, which may send the wrong idea if this is your first suggestion, save it for a subsequent date. Once you decide on a date option, we suggest that prior to finalizing your date plans, make sure that the other person enjoys the activity. It would be a tragedy for you to schedule this great day at Six Flags when your date hates all things roller coasters and amusement parks. Find something that will be enjoyable to you both that will enable you to get to know more about each other and that won’t break the bank.

3        Covering the Bill: speaking of not breaking the bank, let’s spend a few minutes on who pays the bill and how much said bill should cost. For starters, in the name of chivalry, the man should cover the bill. Call it customary, call it a societal construct, or call it stupid, but it is what it is. If, by some chance, this is just completely incomprehensible you split the bill and go Dutch (so ladies, bring cash). However, a woman should NEVER be expected to pay the entire bill on the first date. You may disagree but that’s the funny thing about those rules, you may not like them but they do exist. As an aside, if you’d like to see any woman again, you may not want to go Dutch, we’re just saying. Even Oprah likes to have Steadman foot the bill from time to time.

One other thing about the bill, there has been a lot of twitter talk about women expecting a first date to cost at least $200. Woman to woman--ladies, get real. There is no earthly reason why any first date should cost $200. There isn’t enough dinner in the world to justify anyone spending $200 on a person who may not make it past the first hour. Some people completely disagree with any date costing $200 while others have justified it by stating that a $200 first date requires the immediate putting out of sexual goods. Regardless of what side of the spectrum you fall on in this argument, I personally don’t think anybody or any goods are worth that much money in your quest to get to know someone, and I’m a woman. Any who, we are convinced that this expectation is crazy and if you disagree, you may need to seek professional help or start looking for dates in the “Ballers” section of the Classifieds.

While there is no set price range for first dates, $200 is ridiculous. On the other hand, believing that you can take your date to Burger King so he/she can “have it their way” is just as ridiculous. There is a happy medium and you need to find it, within your financial means. We estimate that the first date cost will range between $25 and $80 depending on what you choose to do. Bowling and bowling alley food may run you about $30 while dinner and drinks at Cheesecake may be $75. The key is to have fun and ball on a budget, within your means.

4        Sex: so, your first date went much better than you expected. You guys laughed, joked, ate, drank, and had the time of your lives. The date went so well you’ve decided you wanna get down on the first night. Hmm, what to do what to do?

Guess you will have to wait and see. Come back next week to see how we handle sex, lies and videotapes in this thing we call the dating game.

New Year, New Great Sh*t

Welcome to the first Friday of 2013 and this week’s edition of She Said, He Said. First and foremost, Happy New Year. We hope everyone had a relaxing, fun-filled holiday because we surely did. However, we’re back on the grind and ready to start 2013 off right. As we all know, right around December 26th, people get all gung ho about their New Year Resolutions and start proclaiming what they will do when the clock strikes midnight on January 1st. We’ve heard them all: this year I will work out 6 days a week; this year I will stop smoking; this year Ii will stay out of jail; this year I will [fill in the blank]. Well, the problem with New Year Resolutions is that we very seldom follow them and often fall off the wagon within a week of setting such lofty goals and seemingly unrealistic expectations. For instance, if you have dropped the f-bomb at least 3 times a day for the last 7 years, what makes you think that all of a sudden you will say “ouch that hurts” when you slam your finger in the door? C’mon son, get real.

We aren’t saying that we are completely against New Year Resolutions, but we aren’t really for them either because they often crash and burn. However, the start of a new year is a great time to make a few changes, set new goals and strive for greatness, not only in your personal life but also in your romantic/relationship life. So, in the name of a new year, you should declare that there will be new great sh*t and we are here to help make that happen. Here are a few non-resolutions we think may be helpful as you press on into 2013.

1. Strive to be happy, content and at peace with yourself.
Regardless of your relationship status, there is something to be said about being happy with you. It’s 10 times harder to be happy in a relationship if you can’t find peace and contentment with who you are and where you are in life. When you are unhappy with you, it’s inevitable that you look to things and people to provide that happiness you can’t find. However, it’s not someone else’s job to make you happy. In fact, that’s a virtually impossible feat because that’s not their job. People, especially your significant other, are in your life to enhance it and add joy, happiness, laughter, companionship, great extracurricular activities and the like, not provide it. If you expect them to be your sole provider of happiness and all that it encompasses, you will never truly be happy because people fall short; no one is perfect and your significant other is sure to let you down by failing to say or do the right thing. Your relationship doesn’t need that kind of pressure and neither do you. So, do yourself and your relationship a favor and find contentment in the little things. Be happy that you woke up on the right side of the bed this morning next to the man/woman of your dreams. Be glad that the sun is shining and it’s not that cold out. Smile simply because you’re amazing and that will do wonders for you and your relationship. Trust us.

If you’re single, be happy, content and at peace with that because you’re single for a reason. Either by choice or because the last person you dealt with wasn’t the one for you. However, there’s a strong likelihood that you won’t be single for long. So, while you’re in your “single season”, enjoy you. Evaluate your previous relationships to see what you can and should do better when the next best thing comes your way. Relish in the fact that you can come and go as you please, don’t have to share your space and can party like a rockstar til 4 in the morning without being subjected to 20 questions and a mean side-eye. Hell, embrace being a heaux if that’s what you’re into, but just enjoy it. Don’t lament, don’t cry, and don’t pout. Enjoy the silver lining in being single and be okay with it because single doesn’t last forever and it definitely has its perks!

2. Leave the past in the past and let it go.
We’ve all been hurt, pissed, sad, disappointed, mad or all of the above in relationships, be it our past relationships or the one we are in now because no relationship is perfect. However, if you want to challenge our theory, please let us know because you must have some sort of magic potion and we want to be your marketing and legal team. But, assuming that you’ve been hurt at one point or another, it’s a new year so it’s time to let that hurt go; it is time to forgive, not forget, and move past it. What’s the point in shying away from love and relationships? There isn’t one. What good does it do to constantly dredge up the past and remind your significant other of the time he/she did or didn’t do something? None. Holding onto this hurt and pain does nothing more than prevent you from being open to dating and love and put a strain on your relationship because you harbor resentment and can’t let it go. So, for 2013, the goal is to let go of the pain you felt by being cheated on; let go of the disappointment you felt when your boo wasn’t as happy as you believe he/she should have been for you and let go of every negative thought that consumes you, eats away at you and puts a strain on your relationship. Starting today, we encourage you to learn from the negative experiences and govern yourself accordingly. Use them as teachable moments intended for you to grow and become a better person, not to become an angry, bitter pessimist. It will truly help and you’ll thank us later.

3. Do a new thing
If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten. The same date-night routine becomes boring, “Spaghetti Wednesdays” become dreadful and missionary gets old.  So add some spice to your relationship. Try salsa lessons or game night. Try a new recipe or, if cooking isn’t your thing, cooking lessons. And try sex in strange (legal) places. No one likes to do the same thing over and over and over again. Even things you used to like you grow bored with because they have lost their freshness and are now about as desirable as year old milk. There’s nothing wrong with routine and doing something you should set your clock to. So, DO NOT rearrange the house to look like a South American jungle on a whim to do something new. However, DO try the new Peruvian restaurant or spoken word night at a local club.

4. Do better
There’s always room for improvement. Even in the glamour relationships of Jay-Z and Beyonce or Brad and Angelina I’m sure if both couples were honest, they’d admit there are things that could stand to be better. We’re going to go out on a limb and say we aren’t them and could stand for some home improvements as well. We all have quirks, attributes or idiosyncracies that aren’t easy for our partner to deal with; i.e., smoking, excessively talking to yourself, or your OCD. While some habits may be harder to amend than others, that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try. While your partner may have accepted your bad habit as a part of who you are, we all know they’d love you more if you stopped smoking crack or leaving your toenail clippings everywhere. Don’t try to change every quirk overnight and at the same time  or you could be creating an equally as big or greater monster (think nicotine addict trying to kick the habit cold turkey). But change is good so try fixing one thing at a time, incrementally, and see how it helps.

5. Have fun!
This may seem self-explanatory but how many of us, if we’re being honest, are stuck in a monotonous, fun-less relationship? We know times are hard and the rent is due and many of us are working more hours to pay more bills and likely aren’t seeing more money. We get it. But one of the things that makes the daily grind bearable is a good home life. Work may suck, your co-workers may annoy you and you may secretly plot your bosses accidental firing or demise. But if things are great at home, your castle, your safe haven, it makes you feel a little less like stabbing yourself with a rusty knife.

Do the things that you’ve always loved-going to the movies, museums or trying new restaurants and don’t be afraid to try new things like travelling, theme parks or making your own password-encrypted home-movies; the possibilities are endless.

We, here at the blog, never claim to be perfect, and we don’t purport to always be right or have all the answers; but, we believe that based on our experiences we’re pretty damn close. Take our advice as suggestions, not mandates, and use them as liberally or conservatively as necessary to float your boat or find your lost remote. Best of luck in 2013 and tell a friend to tell a friend about us. Happy New Year!

Holiday Shopping Guide

Greetings, Happy Holidays and welcome to this week’s edition of “She Said, He Said.” We hope everyone is as much in the holiday spirit as we are-drinking Eggnog, attending holiday parties with endless supplies of food and libations and riding around the streets blasting Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas” at the highest decibel your radio can attain. ChristmasHanuKwanzaa is one of our favorite times of the year, not just because of the presents, food and spiked eggnog but because of how happy and pleasant people are during this time of year. If you’re like most Americans, you probably haven’t completed your Christmas shopping yet. With less than a week til Christmas, you’re probably still struggling with what to get somebody on your list. Woohoo, you’re in luck because we can help you in that endeavor. However, if you’re wondering what decorative plate to get your 80-year old grandmother or which video game to buy your niece/nephew, sadly, we can’t help you so you’ll have to look elsewhere. If you’re wondering what to get the man who has everything or the woman who wants everything, this isn’t the place for that either. But, if you’re wondering which individuals on your “Romance Roster” deserve gifts, you’re certainly in the right place and we’re here to help.

We here at “She Said, He Said” have repeatedly said that we neither advocate nor endorse cheating-not by you, your mom or Olivia Pope. While it is easy to act on your animal instincts, defy the constraints of you or your love interest’s relationship and jump the bones of the side piece, it’s not a good look to hurt the other unknowing participants in the love triangle/square/octagon for 5 minutes of bumping and grinding. However, we aren’t naïve and are fully aware of the fact that a lot of people do it. Perhaps even you. So, rather than turn a blind eye to your sticky situation, we have decided to help you make the best of it, especially during the holiday season. We would hate for you to get shot, stabbed or castrated for giving a bad gift or even worse, not giving a gift at all. However, as with everything, there are boundaries.

As you know, the holiday season means gift giving and EVERYONE always expects a gift. This includes your co-workers, your boss, your wife, your husband, your mistress, and your jumpoff; like we said, everybody wants something especially for Christmas. So what to do?  First, you have to decide who you’re going to give gifts to. I know many of you think this is a no-brainer, but it isn’t. Every year, during the holiday season, millions of Americans go into debt because they spend too lavishly on gifts or buy too many in an effort to be Santa’s substitute. However, in the words of our dear friend Sweet Brown, “Aint nobody got time for dat!” And that is why we are here. We’re going to help you avoid Christmas gift-giving pitfalls and supply helpful tips, hints and advice with the “She Said, He Said Holiday Shopping Guide.” We will tell you who deserves a gift, supply ideas on what to buy and advise you on anything else we think you need to know.

<    1.    Husband/Wife

The first person, and hopefully only love interest, you should buy a gift for is your lawfully wedded mate. This person took a vow to love, to hold, to clean and to deal with your dirty drawls til death do you part. Therefore, he/she should be rewarded accordingly.  There are a lot of factors that go into gift giving. You must consider your spouse’s age, height, weight, interests and medical conditions before deciding on a gift. However, since we don’t have this information for each and every reader, we’ll do our best to give general advice with wide applicability.  

We believe Christmas is the time of year when you purchase wishful and useful gifts. Save the chocolates, sexy underwear and spa gifts for Valentine’s Day and think iPads, watches and over-priced headphones. Also, pay close attention to hints your spouse may have dropped over the course of the past 3-6 months. If he mentions wanting the Dark Knight Trilogy on Blu-ray or the new Jordan’s that drop today, listen to those statements and get those as gifts-he will love you forever. And if she mentions needing a pair of designer shoes or wanting to go on a shopping spree, run to the store and pick out a pair or get her a gift card and she’ll melt in your hands. Getting your spouse what he/she has mentioned in passing not only ensures that you give great gifts, it also gets you out of the dog house for all those times you were accused of not listening. If this isn’t a win-win, then we don’t know what is.  Now, this list isn’t exhaustive, just illustrative of where your thinking should be. The moral of the story is: 1. Your spouse should get a gift; and 2. It should be nice and useful.

<    2.   Boyfriend/Girlfriend

This next group only applies to you non-married individuals. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, of course they should get a gift. These are the people who voluntarily and willingly tolerate you and your bullsh*t despite having no legally binding contract or vow to God that compels them to do so. In most cases, the only thing that separates these people from a spouse is a ring. As such, gift accordingly and gift well. As a helpful word to the wise, the longer you have been together, the better the gift should be. For example, if you have only been with your man for a month, maybe you don’t want to buy the $1,400 Bose stereo system; however, a gift card or some nice shoes/clothes would be nice. In the same vein, if you’ve been with your girl for 4 years and aren’t pulling out a ring to propose (which she is absolutely expecting), you might want to come to the table with something a bit more upscale like a Gucci or Louis Vuitton purse so you can continue to stay out of the dog house. Again, just mere suggestions, we’re simply trying to help.

<    3.  Mistress/Mister

Now, here comes the tricky part. Just because we don’t support your extra-marital/relationship affair doesn’t mean we’re going to write you off as an adulterer and kick you out of the circle. Let us be clear, we hate the adultery not the adulterer and will love you in spite of all of your transgressions. And, it’s because of this love that we don’t want to see you meet your untimely demise when your mistress/mister offs you for not buying them a Christmas gift or decides to spread the news about your affair on your Twitter and Facebook accounts, with links to Instagram photos of you two boo’d up when you were supposed to be visiting your mother last weekend. In order to keep doing what you do, the reality is that you have to pay the cost to be the boss. In this instance, “boss” is a euphemism for a “cheater” who must have testicles the size of a T-Rex if he/she chooses to have an extra-marital affair. But, we digress.

When doing your holiday shopping, you absolutely must buy this person a gift. However, by no means should it even be as close to as nice as your spouse’s. If you bought your spouse a Tiffany necklace, unless you’re a congressman, buy your mistress a bracelet from the pawn shop. If you bought your husband a Breitling watch, buy your mister a Fossil. You want to give them something nice enough that they don’t complain or rock the boat, but not so nice that they get accustomed to fancy and expensive gifts or think this fling may last longer than it will. And, just so you know, it should not last any longer than the day after Christmas. Capiche?

<   4. Jump-Off

Last, but certainly not least, (well actually this person is the least of all considerations) is the jump-off. Do not, we repeat DO NOT, buy your jump off a Christmas gift; don’t even give him/her a Christmas Card.  The only gift they should be getting is some hard **** and bubble gum, or inversely that good good and some Doublemint. The minute you start buying your jump-off gifts is the moment you elevate the jump-off’s status to mistress/mister and, in some extreme cases, girlfriend/boyfriend which is against protocol. Unless this is your intent, and per the “Jump-Off Commandments” we have no earthly idea why it would be, “Don’t do it, reconsider, read some liter-a-ture on the subject.”

While it may sound harsh, that’s just the way it is. We didn’t write the “Jump-Off Commandments”, we just passed them down for the good of the order. Well, maybe we did write them but we didn’t come up with them. These are the rules that have been passed down from generation to generation and have been time-tested and pimp approved, just ask Katt Williams.  

Now, when you hit the mall this weekend, you should be in and out in no time. We hope this post is of assistance to you and keeps you from going astray. If not, go back to the mall, fix your mistakes and get on the good gift-giving foot.  As it’s the holidays, we are going to enjoy Christmas week with family and friends but will be back the first Friday in January with another installment for your reading pleasure. We love ya’ll, appreciate ya’ll and  hope you have a very Merry Christmas, a Happy Hannukah, a blessed Kwanzaa and a Happy New Year! 

Sharing Spaces-Part 2

Happy Friday and welcome to this week’s edition of “She Said, He Said.” Last week we delved into the topic of co-habitation with your significant other. We decided to split the list in half (sort of) to give us the space to expand on each point in greater depth and detail and to prevent you from reading something akin to a novel. You’re welcome. You may have noticed that last week’s points were about getting the space and decorating it. This week’s points focus on what to do now that you have your house, condo, apartment or room in your parents’ house and have to share it with someone else. Just to recap, last week we covered points 1 and 2 which stated:

(1)   Don’t move into your significant other’s space; get a space together.

(2)   Be an active participant in the decorating process

Now that you’ve done these two things, what’s next? Well, we’re glad you asked:

(3)   Believe in the concept of division of labor and share chores

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away men left the house, went to work and served as the primary breadwinners and when they came home, the house was clean and dinner was on the table ready for consumption. Then something happened to change all of that. We had the Industrial Revolution, World Wars I and II, the Woman’s Suffrage Movement, the Civil Rights Movement, the advent of Feminism, the Recession, Major College Conference Re-Alignment and Notre Dame (it has to partly be their fault because it always is) and the role of women changed. Women began to enter the workforce in large numbers and they went from being housewives to working wives and from stay-at-home moms to working moms. While this has been great for women, most men think this seismic shift is a tragedy. However, it’s a grim reality men need to come to grips with.

The reality is that in most homes with two able-bodied adults, both people work. Additionally, the increase of women in both the workplace and corporate America means that she isn’t just working teacher’s hours or doing shift work that allows her to get off between the hours of 3:00pm and 5:00pm. Instead, more women are performing jobs that require long hours, involve immense amounts of travel and may be just as demanding, if not more, than the guy’s.  So sadly, she may not have time to cook, clean, wash the dishes, put in 5 loads of laundry, and take care of the kids after working a 10-12 hour day. What’s a man to do?

A man has got to pitch in, do his part and hope he can at least get some happy endings for sharing the load. Seriously speaking, since both parties eat, sleep, and live in this residence, it’s in the best interests of both parties to make sure the place doesn’t end up on an episode of hoarders or end up being condemned. However you decide to divvy up the chores is between you and your mate, but division of labor is something that must be done in order to keep the peace and a clean house. So guys, you need to step it up. However, as a caveat to women, She says, “A man’s willingness to step up does not mean you can fall back. More specifically, don’t stop cooking, cleaning or doing your part in the relationship just because you have help because that’s not cool.”

As a final note, there are no jobs or household chores that are inherently more womanly/manly than others. As such, it is okay not to conform to stereotypical gender roles when choosing your chores.  It’s perfectly fine for men to dust and women to fix toilets, if that’s your thing. However, you must know your partners strengths and weaknesses and divide the tasks accordingly. If your boyfriend is colorblind, perhaps it’s in the best interests of you and your expensive undergarments for him not to be assigned the laundry. If your girlfriend is about as good a cook as Shaq is at shooting free throws, perhaps you should do the cooking or order more carryout. In the absence of a glaring weakness towards one chore or another, evenly divide them and rotate so no one always gets stuck doing the chore(s) they absolutely hate each and every time. 

(4)   Compromise with TV time

In some homes, TV time can be the precursor to Wrestle Mania, it’s just that bad. She wants to watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians and he wants to watch Dexter so there is a standoff and the last person standing gets to control the television; this is never a good situation. Unfortunately, many people face this nightly dilemma because in an effort to save money, quite a few of our friends either don’t have TVs or don’t have one in every room. While this may be good for preserving your pockets and the planet, it could be bad for your health, safety and hospital bill.

No person needs to watch TV all day, every day. No one. Therefore, it is imperative that neither party dominate the remote during the primetime lineup. Unless, of course, you find yourself in some sort of utopian relationship where you two happen to like all the same shows and the matter of who holds the remote is just a formality. However, this is a highly unlikely situation so it’s more likely that he’ll want to watch one set of shows and she’ll want to watch another at the same da*n time. But if you only have one TV, what to do? You share AND you buy a DVR or a Netflix subscription, then you pray that you don’t fight over who is taking up more space on the DVR.

Technology is one of the best things that ever happened to relationships. In this particular instance, the addition of a DVR or a subscription to HULU or Netflix helps resolve the issue of one person being able to watch his/her favorite show to the detriment of his/her partner. You get to watch one and record the other so you can watch it later. In fact, some television subscription services even allow you to watch the show the same day it comes out on your laptop or tablet, making it a truly worthwhile investment. Once you take full advantage of all the greatness that is technology, the only decision you’re left to make is who gets to watch what show first and who is forced to wait. Well that’s a decision best left for you and your partner to decide because we can’t fix everything.

(5)   Never forget the importance of alone time for you and your boo

Alone time…does this really exist when you’re sharing space with your significant other? Yes it should and yes it does. The only person you should spend every waking moment with is God and, if we’re honest, many of us ditch him far too much. The point we are trying to make is that it’s irrational and kind of creepy to spend every single moment of every single day with your partner. People need alone time and should have that alone time to think and just be, and that alone time should include more minutes than those used during showers and meetings with the porcelain throne. We are speaking of real, significant alone time that can be spent on reading, playing video games, writing, exercising, or whatever it is that men do when their woman cannot stand to be with them another second. 

It’s important for people to remember that when you enter into a relationship, you are an individual. And in the sad event that your relationship doesn’t work out, you’ll still be an individual. So, don’t lose that individuality just because you become someone’s significant other. Plus, couples who do EVERYTHING together and can’t stand to be separated for more than a couple of minutes in public are just weird and kinda gross (yes, we’re judging). It’s like watching a snake swallow its prey-you hate to watch it, but you have to watch because you want to know how the process works.

So don’t be gross. Instead, maintain your individuality and continue to do the things you enjoyed doing prior to entering into the relationship, unless those things were hunting down murderers or putting bricks in the hood. If not, continue to do you. Having interests outside of your partner allows you to continue to be you and have something to talk about. It also keeps the relationship interesting because distance and separation are really a good thing, in moderation. If you do everything together what is there to share or talk about?

 

In conclusion, living with your significant other can be challenging, daunting and outright scary. Even “relationship experts” have problems living with the ones they love. Putting two people in the same place and asking them to coexist in harmony is a tall task but it isn’t impossible. It takes  a lot of work and commitment from both partners for the shared spaces experiment to truly work. It’ll be what you what you make it. Good luck!

Sharing Spaces-Part 1

Happy Friday! Now that the work week is over on to the fun stuff, the latest edition of “She Said, He Said.” Yay! Hooray beer! Again, thank you to all who have been avid readers from day one and welcome to the newbies. Today’s topic is about co-habitation with your significant other. Since the beginning of time, one of the hardest things to do is to live with someone else. He’s one of five, comes from a big family and is used to sharing everything because he has lived with someone each and every year of his life while she’s an only child who is accustomed to having her own space and doing things her way, without the input of others. Yet, both of us have often had trouble allowing others into our respective personal spaces.  Sound familiar?  

As humans, no matter how loving, giving, caring, compassionate, selfless (or any other term you’d like to use for nice) we are, at some point or another we all want to be alone, focus on self and do things “my” way. Blame it on DNA, blame it on code red/Aunt Flo, blame it on the boogie, or whatever you decide to attribute it to-that is on you. But the fact of the matter is that alone time is a premium that everyone wants and needs; plus, living alone would make so many things so much easier. However, despite this clear and convincing evidence that everyone needs his or her own personal space, we still decide to cohabitate with the person we love. This is partly because society frowns upon married people living apart and partly because, if we’re being honest, the goodies are much easier to get when you share the same bed with your love interest. So, it appears that cohabitation is a necessary evil. Now that we know how we got here, we now have to figure out how to make this co-habitation experience work.  

As previously stated, the clear way to avoid the pain and agony that accompanies living with someone else is to get a decked out bachelor/bachelorette pad, a dog and just live alone. Great! Problem solved. However, if you’re married, engaged, homeless or just so in love with your mate that you’re willing to endure something that at times may feel like self-inflicted torture, here are a few suggestions that may help ease the pain. Rather than make a long numerical list, we decided to split this post into 2 parts so that we could narrow it down to a handful of points and expand on those. This week we’re covering points 1 and 2 and next week we’ll cover points 3-5.  

(1)   Don’t move into your significant other’s space; get a space together.

We’re all selfish, to some degree or another, and a lot of times (especially during arguments) one person will say something like “get you’re a** out of my bed and out of my house” or “don’t leave mouthwash residue in my sink.” Clearly, there is a feeling of personal invasion on the part of the person who originally possessed the space prior to his/her significant other’s arrival. The problem with this mindset is that when you move in with someone, most of what used to be yours now partly belongs to the other person (conceptually that is, not legally). So, in light of the fact that the couch, lamp or closet space has been yours and yours alone forever, by default, you use the pronoun “my” instead of “our” and completely offend your significant other. Not only do you piss him/her off, you also make him/her feel unwanted and that’s never a good thing. No person ever wants to feel as though he/she is unwanted, unwelcomed and infringing upon your space because that feeling sucks. Therefore, if you have been known to engage in this type of offensive behavior a time or five, don’t worry because this is a common mistake many couples make.  However, for future reference, in order to help you avoid this issue, once you’ve decided to move in with your partner you should find a place together. That way, neither party can claim the entire space as his/her own, neither party can make his/her significant other feel like a space invader and it surely prevents you from wondering how many girls/guys have played strip poker and done other inappropriate things with your mate in the living room.

(2)   Be an active participant in the decorating process

Once you’ve decided on a mutually agreed upon living space, you then have to decorate it. Guys, we know what you’re thinking “I don’t care what it looks like so long as it’s clean, comfortable and doesn’t look like the inside of a Martha Stewart catalog.” But trust us, you do care.” For most guys, living alone affords them a certain sense of freedom they can’t have with their partners. Let’s face it, most bachelor pads look exactly the same: leather couches, big flat screen TVs, movie posters, a wall full of DVDs that must include Scarface and The Godfather, and gaming systems that allow you to shoot and kill animated terrorists. However, the important items missing from this equation are a dining room table, coasters, a coffee table, real plates, bed skirts, wall art that doesn’t come from a gangster movie and other stuff that never crossed your mind because it doesn’t seem important. But, this is one of the reasons you need to cohabitate because, trust us, your female counterpart will notice, care and immediately begin redecorating the space in her head.  But, fellas listen closely: in order to avoid having your place look like something out of Home Goods or Crate & Barrel, participate in the decoration process. No one expects you to be the David Tutera (think Bill Belichick of weddings) of home décor, but if you want any piece of furniture you can actually put your feet on and don’t want anything that you stare at for hours wondering what the hell it is, then at the very least look in the catalogues and go to the store with her so that you can say “yay” or “nay” a couple of times when asked for your opinion. And guys, another key reason you should participate in the decoration process is because you will be sorely disappointed when you come home to a house full of décor you don’t like and a receipt that has you wondering how she could have possibly spent so much money…and on what? So, just get involved so everyone can agree on the look of “our place”. 

Now that we’ve figured out how to get to and through the first steps of co-habitation, we will next need to figure out how in the hell we make this “shacking up” thing work.  So, hopefully you’ve learned lots today, or at least enough to get you started and have you ready for next week’s part deux. Enjoy your weekend and see you next week!