The Dating Game Pt. 2: Transparency

Happy Friday Folks and welcome to this week's edition of "She Said, He Said." Before we get started, we have an announcement. Friends, Romans, and countrymen, lend us your ears. Last week we made some promises, and everything we said we meant. Unfortunately, we have to take a few things back. We told you we would dissect and expound upon the topic of dating. We promised you that we’d continue our dating series with a conversation on the ever exciting, yet oh so complicated, topic of sex; but we can’t. We will live up to that promise, but it will have to be next week. This week another topic has piqued our interest, grabbed our hands and demanded our attention. Nearly every week we get suggestions on how to make the blog bigger and better. And most times, we put those on our list of topics to discuss but continue to address the topics we want at that moment. But that doesn’t mean we don’t listen; we receive a lot of suggestions and ideas (by all means keep ‘em coming) and this is a once a week platform so we have to pick and choose what we cover and when. However, this week, the perfect storm of events came together which lead to this post.

One of our blog followers made a suggestion that we talk about relationship transparency to which we responded, “duly noted” and kindly placed it in the suggestions pile. Combine that suggestion with the fact that Notre Dame linebacker and Heisman Trophy runner-up Manti Te’O was allegedly “catfished” or “catfished” himself, we couldn’t resist the urge to address this topic immediately. In light of this incident, we realized that the dating world may be confused, perplexed or ignorant to what is required in a relationship. As one of our followers so eloquently put it, “real relationships [including dating] are about transparency.” While this sounds good in theory and seems quite intuitive and straight forward, judging from what we’ve seen and heard as of late, it clearly isn’t as straight-forward as we would like to believe. So, allow us to provide our two cents on transparency as it relates to relationships.

Most of you are aware of and have seen the captivating and mesmerizing MTV show entitled “Catfish”. If you haven’t, you have to ask yourself, “what is my life about?”If you are among the group that needs to “get your life,” allow us to provide you with a brief summation.  The show actually started out as a documentary movie based upon the dating experience of a young man named Yaniv “Nev” Schulman. Nev (living in New York City) began a long-distance online relationship with a woman named Megan (living in Michigan), whom he had only met on Facebook. Nev and Megan talked all the time and began dating. After falling in love, Nev was determined to meet the woman of his dreams. However, when he met her, he discovered that the woman he had been talking to was not the woman he had fallen in love with and that she lied and made up the entire Megan persona. After Nev’s film debuted in 2010, he received hundreds of emails from people with similar experiences of heartbreak, heartache and pain. Shortly thereafter, “Catfish” the TV show was born. In the show, Nev and his camera crew travel across the country helping others figure out whether they’re being “Catfished” (yes “catfish” is a noun, a verb and, in certain circumstances, an adjective).

Now, we will admit that we have watched every episode of “Catfish” and we will continue to tune in until the Good Lord says otherwise or it gets cancelled. However, we also admit that after most episodes, we are thoroughly confused by how the “catfish victim” or “catfishee” if you will, didn’t see ANY signs of odd behavior or never explored the questions they had (until the very end) about whether this person really was who he/she said he/she was. In the age of Google, Bing, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, public records requests and everything else, it is hard to believe that people haven’t done their research. It’s also hard to believe that people genuinely fall in love with someone they meet on the internet, through a social media site, but never Skype, Face-time, video-chat, or see in person. However, not only does this sh*t happen, it happens all the time.

This.Is.Not.Normal. So, if you happen to be in a “serious relationship” with someone whom you’ve never met, never seen and have no date certain of when you are going to see them, you may quite possibly be getting “catfished”. Relationships and dating are about truly being transparent with your boo, love bunny, partner, significant other, fiancé, or spouse. How can you fall in love with a person whom you don’t really know? How can you engage in conversations about getting married, having children and growing old together when you’ve never even seen this person, and your only forms of communication are texts and the Facebook pictures they send to you? You can’t. Point, blank, period. You just can’t.

Now, while we’ve been discussing transparency in the case of “catfish” relationships, transparency also extends to real relationships with a person you see, interact and interface with everyday. Yes, we are talking to you people who are in relationships but think it’s okay to lead secret lives. As our follower stated, “real relationships are about transparency. NOT being Facebook friends with someone you are seriously dating or someone that you like a lot is bulls**t,” and we agree. If you’re dating someone more seriously than just a date here or a date there, or have gone so far as to put a title on your relationship, you need to open yourself up to your significant other and keep it 100. Most times, people keep secrets or live secret lives for 2 main reasons: (1) they are attention whores who may say and do things that test the bounds of acceptable behavior within the confines of a relationship; or (2) they are actual hoes and, let’s be frank, sharing social media with you would severely inhibit that.  Good people that is not transparency. In fact, it is the opposite of transparency.

If you are in a relationship with someone, you should not feel like you’re always in the dark. Instead, you should know of your boo’s whereabouts because he/she tells you and not because you had to snoop around; you should know that he/she has a Facebook page and not be prohibited from being Facebook friends; and you should be able to follow your significant other on Twitter and Instagram because he/she has nothing to hide. Unless you actively decide that you do not want to follow or befriend your significant other, there is no reason that you should be prevented from doing so. But, if you decide that you don’t want to follow or befriend him/her because every time you log-on to Facebook or Instagram you feel thoroughly disrespected and are completely pissed off by the content of your boo’s page, you may need to find a new boo with more appropriate social media sites. Bottom line, there is never any justification for feeling like this is normal behavior because it’s not. If you’re in a relationship with someone who keeps secrets, maintains some semblance of illusion or mystery and isn’t a magician or a secret agent—you should probably consider your options and contemplate moving on to the next one. Always remember, not being in a relationship is better than being in a relationship with a ghost.

As we stated from the beginning, relationships are about transparency. If you are in a relationship, both you and your significant other should be able to speak freely, tell each other anything, and know the intricacies of each other’s lives. You should also have the opportunity to know what each other looks like, see each other in person and have a relationship that involves more than just a few phone calls, text messages and emails. Be open, be honest, be upfront. If you can’t do those things, maybe you need to reconsider why you’re in a relationship. However, if you want to stay in the relationship, you need to become a member of the Do Better Coalition and the first rule of the Do Better Coalition is to DO BETTER. If not, let your partner or spouse go so that he/she is free to find somebody else.

So good people, the moral of the story is that catfish has its place and that’s on the bottom of lakes, rivers and tributaries. It does not belong in your dating life unless you’re serving it up with a plate of grits and hush puppies for dinner. Also, remember the importance of transparency and you will be good to go. Until we meet again, don’t get “catfished”!