The Jump-Off Commandments

“Jump-off, jump-off the girl [guy] is a jump-off!”

-Lil Wayne “It’s Me Snitches (Remix)”

Happy Friday! First, we’d like to thank everyone who took the time to read our first blog post here on She Said, He Said. The support was overwhelming and we definitely feel the love. Now, here comes the hard part: keeping you informed, entertained and coming back for more. So, in an effort to accomplish those goals, we have decided to sprinkle today’s post with Krispy Kreme crumbs. Well here goes nothing. Today’s topic is: “The Jump-off.”

What is a “jump-off” you say? Well, we’re glad you asked. Urbandictionary.com defines a jump-off as “a casual sexual partner.” Now, before you never misbehaving, no sex having, perfect people turn away, give us a minute (and keep reading). If we all are brutally honest with ourselves, we all have been, dealt with or know someone who has been a jump-off. Tell the truth and shame the devil (Amen, Amen).

The million dollar question for today is, is there really something wrong with jump-off’s? The answer is no. Just like grass, the gazelle and the lion, who all have their role and place in the circle in life, so does the jump off. So long as neither party involved is married, involved or an extraterrestrial creature, we believe it’s ok to have and/or be a jump off. In the words of a famous singer, “I don’t see nothing wrong….”  I mean honestly, what’s so wrong about messing with a woman you only have to see after dark or dealing with a man who never expects you to cook, clean or listen to his bullsh*t? Absolutely nothing and herein lies the beauty of “The Jump-off.”

We’d be remiss if we didn’t admit that jump-off’s have gotten a bad rap. They have been ostracized, criticized and demonized about as bad as Royce from Basketball Wives. They’ve been talked about, lied on and mistreated like a poor man at a Romney fundraiser. But, just as Dru Hill asked about the stranger in their bed, we wondered “Why?”  And we have deduced that the bad rap exists because there are no rules, at least none that are universally followed.

In this country we live in called America, there are rules. There are rules for Monopoly, football and calling out sick, just as there are rules for Mario Brothers, MMA and school. Without rules there would be chaos and it would be impossible to beat your oldest sibling in board games and difficult to get questions answered in elementary school. So, clearly, everything needs rules. In order to improve jump-off relations, we’ve decided to give you a set of rules entitled the 8 Jump-Off Commandments.

The 8 Jump-off Commandments:

1.    Thou shall decide in the beginning what it is and what is isn’t.

Everyone has the prerogative to change their mind about what they want to wear to work, what shows to watch and which shows to DVR, and what to eat for dinner. Unfortunately, you do not have the right to change your mind about whether a person is/is not a jump-off. Turning an ex or a friend into a jump-off or vice versa is a no-no because it blurs the lines. And as we will tell you time and time again, in order for the jump-off situation to work, there must be clear lines.

             

2.  Thou shall not get attached.

The relationship with a jump-off is temporary, meaning it’s supposed to last about as long as a Tic Tac or a piece of Juicy Fruit. When either party gets connected you have ceased to have jump-off relations and you now have a boyfriend/girlfriend. If this is NOT what you want, don’t get attached. And if you feel yourself getting attached, in the words of Andre 3000: “don’t do it, reconsider” (“International Player’s Anthem”).

3.    Thou shall treat your jump-off with respect.

Just because you’re casually having sex with someone doesn’t mean you have to be a douche about it. Treat others how you want to be treated. Jump-off’s included.

4.    Thou shall not turn your jump-off into a house wive/house husband.

Once a jump-off, always a jump-off; that is the motto, at least in the eyes of the person the jump-off was jumping around with. You cannot, should not and we hope to God will not attempt to alter this relationship. Just remember that forever is a long time….

5.   Thou shall not lie to your jump-off.

Call a spade a spade and a jump-off a jump-off. The minute you start lying is the minute spades gets confusing, somebody gets shot and jump-off relations enter into some weird gray area.  The jump off world is very black and white-either it is or it ain’t; we don’t do gray around these here parts. If/when the jump-off is ready to move on and you aren’t, don’t keep them around. Let them go and keep it moving.

  

6.    Thou shall not date your jump-off.

Don’t rock out with your jump-off, don’t watch movies with your jump-off and don’t have dinner with your jump-off. Doing any of these things could be misinterpreted as dating and dating a jump-off is forbidden. Thou shall ONLY engage in relations and relations-related activities with your jump-off.  The word is jump-off for a reason: you are to jump on, jump off and go home.  Don’t get caught up in wanting to spend the night and spend extra, unnecessary time with said jump off because that is when feelings get involved, signals get switched and we enter that ugly gray zone. If you want to rock out, watch movies and have dinner, do it with somebody, anybody other than the jump off.

7.    Thou shall not have a jump-off if you have a girlfriend/boyfriend, significant other or anybody who may perceive that he/she is your significant other.

While this sounds obvious, it is probably the most broken jump-off commandment in the history of jump-offdom.  You may not, shall not, and cannot secure a jump off when you are in some sort of monogamous situation. It is hurtful, it is dangerous and it’s just wrong. We’d hate for your significant other to pull a Jazmine Sullivan and “bust the windows out your car.” If you want a jump-off become single and hit the block, but don’t try to have your cake and eat it too.

8.    Thou shall neva, eva, eva, eva, eva get knocked up by the jump-off or allow the jump-off to knock you up.

This can’t happen, ever in life. As previously mentioned, a jump-off is a jump-off for a reason. They are in your life for a reason and a season, but they are NOT meant to be in your life for a lifetime. A baby equals a lifetime of being stuck to this jump-off forever, and that is not what you want. So, in all of your jump-off endeavors, please wrap it up and keep it tight. Safety is the first priority, but avoiding jump-off pregnancies is a close second. Just ask yourself, “how would I explain this to my jump-off offspring?”

Now that we have imparted our infinite wisdom, you must know that the information contained in the 8 Jump-Off Commandments can be beneficial for any-and-everybody. Jump-offs come in all shapes, sizes and ages so feel free to share.  For instance, your 52 year-old divorcee neighbor who has sworn off marriage but feels that she needs some TLC every now and then may thank you for sharing this knowledge. Or, your 22 year old cousin who recently had his heart broken by his high school sweetheart of 6 years may regain his swag and love you forever for sharing this knowledge.  Finally, you just might use it because baby it’s cold outside and you’re not looking for love, and we just saved you from making a huge jump-off mistake…you’re welcome (smile). So, in closing, if you’re going to engage in Jump-Off relations please be mature and responsible. Now, as always, feel free to do what you will with this information and we will see you again next Friday!