The Dating Game, Pt 3: Sex!

Sex, all the time.

Sex, on my mind!

Sex, everywhere I go. I’m tryna let you know.

It’s stronger than any drug, even love.

S-E-X!

-“Three Letter Word” Jamie Foxx

Thank God it’s Friday! We don’t know what has been going on in your world, but we can surely say that it has been one hectic, long and cold week around here. However, it’s finally Friday and we are glad to welcome you to another edition of “She Said, He Said.” As you know, a couple of weeks ago, we decided to address the ever-evolving world of dating and the rules that govern the dating game. Since there is so much to discuss, we decided to create a mini-series on the topic because in the months leading up to this series, it had become abundantly clear to us that many of you were playing way too fast and loose with the rules and were quickly on your way to ending up in a roadside ditch. However, since we don’t want to see the demise of your love life and don’t want you to end up in a roadside ditch, we decided to pen this series called “The Dating Game.”

The series began, as it should have, with us talking about first dates and everything you need to know about them. We talked about what to wear, what to do and who pays. Last week we took a slight, yet related, detour to discuss catfishing and the need for transparency in dating and relationships. For those of you who missed last week’s post, no we were not talking about catching an actual catfish; if that’s what you thought, you need to quickly read last week’s blog post for more info and get your life immediately. So, here we are in week 3 of our mini-series and what are we talking about? Well, we’re glad you asked. This week, ladies and gentlemen, we’re talking about sex. Now, let us forewarn you, this week’s post is not a Danielle Steele novel, an ode to “Fifty Shades of Grey”, or a letter to Penthouse magazine. No, this is a serious discussion about the basics, just the basics, of sex. While those of you who think you’re the “Kobe Bryant’s” of sex because you’ve been in the game for a while and believe that there is nothing to learn here, don’t get it twisted, there is always something to be learned. And for those of you who are the “Kyrie Irving’s” of sex, rookies in the game still trying to master the rules and the techniques, you may feel overwhelmed but no worries, we’re here to help. So, read slowly, take good notes and call if you have questions.

Before we dive in, we would be remiss if we didn’t give you the real about sex. Let’s face facts, in an ideal world, we would all follow the words of the Good Book and abstain from having sex until we are married. We say this for two reasons: (1) because the Bible says so; and (2) because sex complicates things. Anyone who has had more than one partner knows that sex adds a whole different dimension to any type of relationship and unfortunately, that new dimension isn’t always a good one. For those of you at home, work, or the hair salon reading this shaking your head and saying “nuh uhn”, you’re lying to yourself. For all you ladies with that “Ill Na Na”, you know you’ve had your fair share of stalkers who’ve come after you begging for the goods long after you’ve vanquished them. And for the mandingo warriors in the audience, many of you know what it means to hit the bottom and you’ve experienced having a chick text you from her man’s house asking when you’re going to knock her down again, even though you’ve told her countless times, a million different ways, that you’re done. Even for those of you with just average or above-average sex games, there is something about the melding of two (or more) bodies together in that animalistic methodology that causes people to act crazy. So beware because sex can often take a great thing to something very strange and completely unwanted.

As we stated earlier, in an ideal world, everyone would wait until they’re married to have sex. However, this world isn’t ideal. People do what they want to do and the reality is that most people will not wait until marriage to “get down on it”. Sex is everywhere so why wouldn’t we want to get some, especially if everyone else is? So, in this day and age, for the vast majority of folks all across the globe it’s all about sex. Lucky for you, this blog post will help you navigate the waters. Without further adieu, in the words of Salt ‘N’ Pepa, “Let’s talk about sex, baby. Let’s talk about you and me. Let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things, that may be. Let’s talk about sex!”

Jump-offs

We’ve talked about jump-offs before so you know how we feel about the nature of this relationship. Jump-offs have such a maligned name that many people are hesitant to even speak of the jump-off relationship/situation outside of the comforts of their circle or therapist’s office. However, there are some benefits to this relationship. One of the benefits of having a jump-off is sexploration. Sexploration is defined as a refinement of sexual skills where there are very few boundaries, which can take you to heights (and depths) unknown. Jump-off situations usually arise because a person doesn’t want to be in a relationship but needs a buddy to keep the bed warm at night or to be available for a few minutes of sexual healing at 3 in the morning. If you’re in this boat, a jumpoff is the perfect sexual relationship for you-no drama, no strings, and limited boundaries.

However, you must remember the cardinal rules: You don’t make love to a jump-off, you merely have sex with a jump-off. As BBD said, “you can slap it up, flip it, rub it down” but oh noooooo, you can’t love it, cry about it, cry in it or catch feelings for it. No sir and no ma’am, that is not a part of this game plan.

One Night Stand

What’s the difference between a one night stand and a jump off? We’re glad you asked. A jump off relationship may continue on for a significant length of time while a one night stand cannot, hence the reason it is called a one night stand. Since we are keeping it 100, you need to know that one night stands are typically the products of drunken nights, random vacation interactions and poor judgment. We would venture to say that Ciroc and Patron have produced more one night stands than Coke (the cola). The appeal of this arrangement is that there are no strings attached and after you’ve done the deed, you don’t ever have to see, hear from or talk to this person again. It’s one and done. Truth be told, if you’ve never had one, you might want to put it on your bucket list.

Keep it Live

There is a reason why nearly every married with children type of sitcom talks about how boring married sex can be. That’s because once people get married, they become complacent and lazy and stop performing the sexual tricks they performed when they were “auditioning” to get their mate. If you were David Copperfield before you got married, don’t think it’s okay to put your tricks away and become a birthday party magician. That’s not cool. We know as time moves on, work hours become longer, family responsibilities grow, life gets in the way and body parts begin to expand like the Red Sea and sink like the Titanic. However, that has NOTHING to do with the romance, the fire, and the spark that should endure in any relationship. If you want to keep the relationship, you’ve gotta keep the sex. Point blank period.

By our very nature, we grow tired of things after a while. It’s the reason why every year men buy a different version of the same video game (Madden, NBA2k, Call of Duty). It’s the reason why women buy the same sweater, dress, or pair of shoes in 4 different colors. It’s the reason why you buy your kids a million toys for Christmas because one just isn’t enough to last them until their birthday or next Christmas. You have to keep it live and you have to keep it fresh. So, get some condiments, some toys, some instructional videos and have at it. Failure to do so may make you a complicit actor in the demise of your relationship.

Making Love

This is, by far, the most serious yet amazing sexual experience any two people can have. What separates sex, a jump off, a one-night stand and some run of the mill sexcapade from making love? It’s the passion, the feeling, the emotions, and the love. When you make love to someone, you’re not just trying to climax or get your rocks off.  When you make love to someone, it’s more than just one person’s selfish means to an end; it is a journey to mutual gratification. It is pleasure and, in some cases pain (the good kind), but it is a sensual expression of love. You can’t make love to and with everyone and you can’t do it with just anybody. Making love should be reserved to your special person, a person with whom you are in love.

In closing, while we may or may not believe in abstinence, there’s a reason why other people do; and it’s not just because of religious beliefs or possible life complications. The reality is that every time you have sex with a person, you take some aspect of that interaction with you as you move on to the next one. Whether it’s the experience, the emotions, or a virus, you take it with you. So, there is something to be said about keeping your numbers low and watching who you sleep with because you may not want to take an entire men’s basketball team or the cheerleading squad with you everywhere you go. But hey, we’re just here to help because we know that ultimately, you’re going to do what you want to. And, as you do what you do—just wrap it up, keep it safe, and try to avoid making and having babies unless you have planned it or you absolutely want to! Until next time, stay safe out there!