The Dating Game Part 4: Monogamy

Happy Friday and welcome to the final installment of the “She Said, He Said” mini-series entitled, “The Dating Game”. To date, we’ve covered the intricacies of the first date, the concept of “catfishing” and the need for dating/relationship transparency, and the great world of sex. So, you’re probably thinking, what more is there to talk about? A lot! The reality is that dating must have an end-game. At some point, your dating situation either fails or it continues to strengthen, grow and become more than just dating. The vast majority of us have dated people who just didn’t work out because of bad sex, crazy and psychotic behavior, lack of attraction, lack of intelligence, divergent life paths or any other number of reasons. However, the situation clearly wasn’t meant to be so we stopped dating these people. By the same token, we’ve also dated people with whom we ultimately engaged in meaningful relationships because we wanted to explore where it would go, we fell in love, we found our perfect person or we just got tired of running the streets.

Regardless of the reason, when dating, you ultimately have to sh*t or get off the pot and decide whether to move on or to keep the good thing going.  Assuming that you are interested in keeping the good thing going, we’re going to take you through the final few stages of the dating game so you don’t mess this up. Don’t worry, you can thank us later.

Monogamy
Most men believe monogamy to be “an old, old wooden ship that was used in the Civil War era.” That, gentlemen, is incorrect. Monogamy occurs when two people decide they only want to date, screw and share a shower (unless one or both is an athlete) with each other. If you’ve gotten to the point where this is even an option, congratulations you’ve made it to the “Big Leagues.” But don’t take this position lightly. What you do here could have longstanding ramifications on your life and the lives of others. Think the Butterfly Effect without Ashton Kutcher and the creepiness of the movie.

For men and women, monogamy is a big step and you shouldn’t let anyone, not your priest, therapist, significant other or mother pressure you into taking the “monogamy plunge” before you are 100% ready. That means 100% ready to put away your heauxish ways, 100% ready to cut-off all the jumpoffs, 100% ready to publicly claim your significant other, and 100% ready to be committed to making the relationship work in word, thought, and deed.

Once you decide you are going to be monogamous, things change. For instance, if you decide that part of your monogamy move involves living with your significant other, if you prematurely shack up with your partner, it could feel like fire and brimstone are raining down on your life if you don’t have your mind right. Gentlemen, it’s no longer okay to only clean the house when it smells or when company is coming over and you can no longer only go to the grocery store once you’ve finished the last beer.  You have also got to stop leaving the toilet seat up because that’s not okay. In the same vein ladies, once you decide it’s all about “Man X”, you have to change some of your ways. Yes, you will have to cook a real meal; no, you cannot leave your feminine products lying around the bathroom; and no, you cannot monopolize the DVR by recording every single show on VH1 and Bravo.  The moral of the story, ladies and gents, is that you must adjust and share because you’re not single anymore. That’s one of the quintessential tenets of monogamy.

Yes, we know that after what we just said, monogamy seems like a cross between hell and prison, but it’s really not that bad. So, if you’re still interested in being monogamous, the million dollar question is: when is monogamy warranted? We’re glad you asked. Monogamy is warranted when you’re tired of dating every Tom, Dick, Malik, Juan, Mary, Lisa, Bonisha, or Isabella and you’re ready to just be with one person. Monogamy is warranted when you’re ready to deal with the fact that if your partner pisses you off, you have to work it out because you have no one to run to. Monogamy is warranted when you’re ready to deal with the prospects of spending the next 18 years to life with this person in the event a child should result from your unholy union. Monogamy is warranted when you feel like you’ve found your perfect person.

Until you reach that point, play on playa. There’s nothing worse than getting into a relationship out of boredom or just for the sake of being in a relationship. Actually, this is bad on all fronts because you aren’t invested in the relationship, you are sure to cheat, and you may bring out the crazy in your significant other because you have toyed with his/her emotions. So again, if you aren’t ready to go balls to the wall with someone, keep it pimpin partna. However, do not be selfish. If you’re going to play, give your partner(s) full knowledge, or some semblance of full knowledge, about what you’re doing. In other words, don’t be out here running the streets while you have someone thinking y’all are two steps away from the altar. That’s not cool and it may get you cut, shot, or otherwise physically injured. Just be honest. But, as a disclaimer, we can’t promise that your honesty will eliminate the likelihood that you’ll get cut. We can say, however, that it will drastically lower the chances.

Meet The Family & Friends

After becoming a couple, there will come a point where you and your significant other will need to meet each other’s family and friends. Only you two will know the right time for these introductions, but there are some salient take home points you should know. One, please don’t bring your boo home to your folks too early in the relationship because you may scare them off. Meeting the family is a huge step and you don’t want it to occur before you know whether this relationship really has potential. A premature meeting may instill fear in the heart of your significant other because he/she may think the relationship’s moving too fast or that your family is crazy and needs to be committed. Neither of these are good options. So, talk it through as a couple and decide (together) the best time to meet the folks.

With regard to meeting the crew, it’s a little easier to meet friends because they are usually less judgmental and always around. However, please remember that you are trying to impress his/her friends so act accordingly. On your first meeting, don’t get so drunk that you throw up in the best friend’s car or cuss out another friend just because. Also, don’t be so standoffish and quiet that they think you are an utter and complete jerk, bi**h or douchebag. There is a happy medium so find it.

At the end of the day, the goal is to be liked and respected by your significant other’s inner circle, especially if you plan on keeping them around. While there are many relationships that continue in spite of a family’s disdain for the significant other, it creates extremely tense and unhealthy situations that no one wants to deal with. For instance, what girl wants to spend holidays with her boyfriend’s family when Aunt Cathy keeps referring to her as “that trick with Billy”? Or, what guy wants to be forced to eat dinner with his girl’s ex-boyfriend every Sunday because her parents invite the ex in hopes that she will “see the light and dump the loser”? Nobody. No one wants to be in an awkward and uncomfortable situation. So the moral of the story kiddies: find someone your family and friends like and always put your best foot forward when trying to get them to like you.

Meet Me At the Alter

Once you’ve gone on your first date, continued dating, engaged in sex to ensure that you are comfortable sleeping with this person for the rest of your life, entered into the monogamy zone, introduced him/her to the family and friends, received approval from the family and friends and realize that none of this has scared your significant other away, the only thing left to do is tie the knot. Again, marriage is not something that should be entered into lightly or prematurely. When you propose, you need to be 100% certain that you are committed to spending the rest of you living days on Earth with this person. It may take you 5 months or 5 years to make that determination, but just make sure you’re ready when you take the plunge. 

As you begin or continue to traverse the rocky and windy road that is the dating game, we wish you luck and much success. We hope that our tips have been helpful and will see you through on your journey. And above all else, enjoy the ride! 

The Dating Game, Pt 3: Sex!

Sex, all the time.

Sex, on my mind!

Sex, everywhere I go. I’m tryna let you know.

It’s stronger than any drug, even love.

S-E-X!

-“Three Letter Word” Jamie Foxx

Thank God it’s Friday! We don’t know what has been going on in your world, but we can surely say that it has been one hectic, long and cold week around here. However, it’s finally Friday and we are glad to welcome you to another edition of “She Said, He Said.” As you know, a couple of weeks ago, we decided to address the ever-evolving world of dating and the rules that govern the dating game. Since there is so much to discuss, we decided to create a mini-series on the topic because in the months leading up to this series, it had become abundantly clear to us that many of you were playing way too fast and loose with the rules and were quickly on your way to ending up in a roadside ditch. However, since we don’t want to see the demise of your love life and don’t want you to end up in a roadside ditch, we decided to pen this series called “The Dating Game.”

The series began, as it should have, with us talking about first dates and everything you need to know about them. We talked about what to wear, what to do and who pays. Last week we took a slight, yet related, detour to discuss catfishing and the need for transparency in dating and relationships. For those of you who missed last week’s post, no we were not talking about catching an actual catfish; if that’s what you thought, you need to quickly read last week’s blog post for more info and get your life immediately. So, here we are in week 3 of our mini-series and what are we talking about? Well, we’re glad you asked. This week, ladies and gentlemen, we’re talking about sex. Now, let us forewarn you, this week’s post is not a Danielle Steele novel, an ode to “Fifty Shades of Grey”, or a letter to Penthouse magazine. No, this is a serious discussion about the basics, just the basics, of sex. While those of you who think you’re the “Kobe Bryant’s” of sex because you’ve been in the game for a while and believe that there is nothing to learn here, don’t get it twisted, there is always something to be learned. And for those of you who are the “Kyrie Irving’s” of sex, rookies in the game still trying to master the rules and the techniques, you may feel overwhelmed but no worries, we’re here to help. So, read slowly, take good notes and call if you have questions.

Before we dive in, we would be remiss if we didn’t give you the real about sex. Let’s face facts, in an ideal world, we would all follow the words of the Good Book and abstain from having sex until we are married. We say this for two reasons: (1) because the Bible says so; and (2) because sex complicates things. Anyone who has had more than one partner knows that sex adds a whole different dimension to any type of relationship and unfortunately, that new dimension isn’t always a good one. For those of you at home, work, or the hair salon reading this shaking your head and saying “nuh uhn”, you’re lying to yourself. For all you ladies with that “Ill Na Na”, you know you’ve had your fair share of stalkers who’ve come after you begging for the goods long after you’ve vanquished them. And for the mandingo warriors in the audience, many of you know what it means to hit the bottom and you’ve experienced having a chick text you from her man’s house asking when you’re going to knock her down again, even though you’ve told her countless times, a million different ways, that you’re done. Even for those of you with just average or above-average sex games, there is something about the melding of two (or more) bodies together in that animalistic methodology that causes people to act crazy. So beware because sex can often take a great thing to something very strange and completely unwanted.

As we stated earlier, in an ideal world, everyone would wait until they’re married to have sex. However, this world isn’t ideal. People do what they want to do and the reality is that most people will not wait until marriage to “get down on it”. Sex is everywhere so why wouldn’t we want to get some, especially if everyone else is? So, in this day and age, for the vast majority of folks all across the globe it’s all about sex. Lucky for you, this blog post will help you navigate the waters. Without further adieu, in the words of Salt ‘N’ Pepa, “Let’s talk about sex, baby. Let’s talk about you and me. Let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things, that may be. Let’s talk about sex!”

Jump-offs

We’ve talked about jump-offs before so you know how we feel about the nature of this relationship. Jump-offs have such a maligned name that many people are hesitant to even speak of the jump-off relationship/situation outside of the comforts of their circle or therapist’s office. However, there are some benefits to this relationship. One of the benefits of having a jump-off is sexploration. Sexploration is defined as a refinement of sexual skills where there are very few boundaries, which can take you to heights (and depths) unknown. Jump-off situations usually arise because a person doesn’t want to be in a relationship but needs a buddy to keep the bed warm at night or to be available for a few minutes of sexual healing at 3 in the morning. If you’re in this boat, a jumpoff is the perfect sexual relationship for you-no drama, no strings, and limited boundaries.

However, you must remember the cardinal rules: You don’t make love to a jump-off, you merely have sex with a jump-off. As BBD said, “you can slap it up, flip it, rub it down” but oh noooooo, you can’t love it, cry about it, cry in it or catch feelings for it. No sir and no ma’am, that is not a part of this game plan.

One Night Stand

What’s the difference between a one night stand and a jump off? We’re glad you asked. A jump off relationship may continue on for a significant length of time while a one night stand cannot, hence the reason it is called a one night stand. Since we are keeping it 100, you need to know that one night stands are typically the products of drunken nights, random vacation interactions and poor judgment. We would venture to say that Ciroc and Patron have produced more one night stands than Coke (the cola). The appeal of this arrangement is that there are no strings attached and after you’ve done the deed, you don’t ever have to see, hear from or talk to this person again. It’s one and done. Truth be told, if you’ve never had one, you might want to put it on your bucket list.

Keep it Live

There is a reason why nearly every married with children type of sitcom talks about how boring married sex can be. That’s because once people get married, they become complacent and lazy and stop performing the sexual tricks they performed when they were “auditioning” to get their mate. If you were David Copperfield before you got married, don’t think it’s okay to put your tricks away and become a birthday party magician. That’s not cool. We know as time moves on, work hours become longer, family responsibilities grow, life gets in the way and body parts begin to expand like the Red Sea and sink like the Titanic. However, that has NOTHING to do with the romance, the fire, and the spark that should endure in any relationship. If you want to keep the relationship, you’ve gotta keep the sex. Point blank period.

By our very nature, we grow tired of things after a while. It’s the reason why every year men buy a different version of the same video game (Madden, NBA2k, Call of Duty). It’s the reason why women buy the same sweater, dress, or pair of shoes in 4 different colors. It’s the reason why you buy your kids a million toys for Christmas because one just isn’t enough to last them until their birthday or next Christmas. You have to keep it live and you have to keep it fresh. So, get some condiments, some toys, some instructional videos and have at it. Failure to do so may make you a complicit actor in the demise of your relationship.

Making Love

This is, by far, the most serious yet amazing sexual experience any two people can have. What separates sex, a jump off, a one-night stand and some run of the mill sexcapade from making love? It’s the passion, the feeling, the emotions, and the love. When you make love to someone, you’re not just trying to climax or get your rocks off.  When you make love to someone, it’s more than just one person’s selfish means to an end; it is a journey to mutual gratification. It is pleasure and, in some cases pain (the good kind), but it is a sensual expression of love. You can’t make love to and with everyone and you can’t do it with just anybody. Making love should be reserved to your special person, a person with whom you are in love.

In closing, while we may or may not believe in abstinence, there’s a reason why other people do; and it’s not just because of religious beliefs or possible life complications. The reality is that every time you have sex with a person, you take some aspect of that interaction with you as you move on to the next one. Whether it’s the experience, the emotions, or a virus, you take it with you. So, there is something to be said about keeping your numbers low and watching who you sleep with because you may not want to take an entire men’s basketball team or the cheerleading squad with you everywhere you go. But hey, we’re just here to help because we know that ultimately, you’re going to do what you want to. And, as you do what you do—just wrap it up, keep it safe, and try to avoid making and having babies unless you have planned it or you absolutely want to! Until next time, stay safe out there!