Manage Your Expectations-Part 2: Where did your expectations come from?

Now that it’s February, we can stop saying Happy New Year. So, we will just say welcome to the latest edition of “She Said, He Said”. Last week, in Part 1 of “Manage Your Expectations-The Series”, we asked the critical question- “What are your expectations?” If you missed it, shame on you! Now immediately go back and catch up before reading part 2. I mean you could read part 2 and then go back to part 1, but why would you do that? Exactly! So this week, for our next series installment, we explore the answers to “Where did your expectations come from?”

When we briefly touched upon the root of expectations last week, it should have become clear that expectations come from an amalgamation of sources that come together to create the perfect storm of terribleness; a terribleness that is responsible, at least in part, for your relationship troubles.  So what, you ask, are the prime sources of our unrealistic expectations? Great question! One of the prime contributors of unrealistic romantic expectations is The Disney Company (please don’t sue us). Yep, the company that brought us Mickey Mouse, the Lion King and Toy Story also delivered extreme doses of unrealistic relationship expectations. Don’t believe us? Well ask yourself these questions: Why do so many women think they are princesses? Why do so many men believe that no matter how beastly they may be on the outside, as long as they are nice guys, they’ll find their princess? Why does looking at lion cubs on National Geographic engender warm feelings? Walt “Mothereffing” Disney, that’s why (again, please don’t sue us).  But the Disney Company isn’t the only responsible party for your unreasonable expectations.

Society

Society creates these constructs, or rules if you will, that we consciously or subconsciously (mostly the latter), buy into. These constructs are hammered into us day in and day out on television, and in our music, movies and books until we finally succumb to what society wants us to believe—that all women should cook and clean; that all men should be the primary breadwinners in the home and pay the bills; and that you and your partner must be equally yoked in terms of education, occupation and other external, often unimportant, factors. Okay, so you listen to these words from society, you buy in, and then you get burned because society’s mandates aren’t always right and they don’t always apply to your life. Instead, your life looks something like this: your woman can barely boil a pot of water and she rarely does the dishes; your man makes less money than you so you take the lion’s share of the responsibility for paying bills; and while you graduated from college and law school to become a successful attorney, she took a different route by not going to college, and instead choosing to pursue her passion as an actress or pole dance instructor. According to society, when you look at your life, you can only conclude that it sucks and that you’ve done something very wrong with regard to your love life. However, the million dollar question is, “Are you happy with your circumstances?” If so, who gives a damn about “what society says”?

All too often, society dictates what we want, how we think, whom we desire and what classifies as a successful or appropriate relationship. However, what it often creates are unrealistic expectations. For example, society makes women think we need a knight in shining armor to take us away from our troubles, show us the world, and save us from ourselves and the horrible plight of being single and alone. No man or woman should be waiting on someone else to save them. The ugly truth is that if you keep stepping on the edge of that skyscraper praying for Superman to catch you when you fall, eventually you’ll realize the only thing that will catch you will be the cold, hard, pavement called reality. So save yourself the time and trouble and get it together. For us sane people, all of that stuff we mentioned is just that-stuff; stuff that society has told us we need to have a successful relationship. However, what we really need and want is a partner to come home to; one who loves us unconditionally (flaws and all), enjoys many of the things we enjoy and is a great partner (flaws and all). In the same vein, society has conditioned men to believe that their ideal woman should cook 5-course meals, that men should rarely express their opinions and they should walk softly and carry a big stick (pun intended). The reality is that society can’t govern your relationships and that your expectations must be managed and not dictated by these constructs.

Parents (or lack thereof)
Please see your therapist for that. We neither have the time, energy, nor degrees to facilitate this aspect of the conversation, but you do need to address it.

Pretty Girl Syndrome (PGS)

Women suffering from PGS are convinced that they can have any and every guy they so desire simply because they are pretty. Now, to a large degree, this is true. “Pretty women” are presented with greater options and they do have their pick of a much larger man pool than “average” or “less than average” looking woman. Notice all the quotations? Great! We put these terms in quotations because we firmly believe that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and that one man’s “6” is another man’s “10”, and vice versa. However, for argument’s sake, we’re speaking in generalities because, generally speaking, society has determined what is or is not attractive and the world has bought in. But we digress.

The problem with PGS is that your pretty girl status only lasts so long. To keep it 100, the main issue is that pretty women have their choice of mates, until they don’t! And herein lies the problem. As a PGS sufferer, you are clear and vocal about your preferences, which you treat as requirements, because you’re fine as wine, your ish doesn’t stink and your hair is laid hunty! On top of that, since middle school, you have always gotten away with summarily dismissing otherwise qualified gentlemen because you can. If he was an inch too short, made a few grand less than you required, or didn’t pledge in college, it was on to the next (because there was always a next). For a “pretty” girl, there is always a next, with one on deck, two on the bench, and a few in the D-League waiting for that call to “The Show”. Then one day, it’s all gone! The well has run dry and there is no next. You wake up and realize that you have no potential suitors, you’ve never been married, you’re childless and all you have is your dog Sparky, a fridge full of hummus, and a cold bed at the age of 42. Why? Because you thought that you would always be hot and that you would always have your pick of suitors. Unfortunately, you were so wrapped up in yourself that you didn’t realize this was virtually impossible. And now you’re miserable because all of the things you always dreamed of (love, marriage, and babies) seem so unattainable. That is the gift and the curse of expectations guided by PGS.

We’ve given you a ton of information this week, but we are just scratching the surface. So we’re going to stop here, put a pen in it and continue this discussion next week. Between this post and the post from last week, we are fairly certain that you can begin to determine the source of your expectations, if you are honest with yourself. As you think about the root of your expectations, consider how you feel about them-like, dislike, want to change, etc.

We hope you’ve enjoyed the series so far but be sure to come back next week for the latest installment. Plus, if you have any questions, comments or suggestions for the blog, email us at: hesaidshesaid101@gmail.com, Follow us on Twitter at @S_HeSaidBlog or just comment directly on the blog. Until next week, don’t be a hater while drinking your juice in the hood.