Manage Your Expectations: Part 2a

Happy Valentine’s Day beautiful Couples, Singles and Side pieces and welcome to another edition of “She Said, He Said”. We thought about tending to our personal romantical situations and leaving you without a blog post on this St. Valentine’s Day of love. However, we thought better of it. Plus the wine and sushi can wait.

A few weeks ago we introduced you to the “Manage Your Expectations” series. In Part 1, we discussed “What are your expectations?” In Part 2 of the series we talked about, “Where did your expectations come from?” Since this topic is so deep, we’re going to continue our discussion from last week. Next week, we will finish the series. So if you’ve missed anything, go back, catch up and hop up on it (Justin Timberlake voice). Now it’s time for the conclusion of “Where did your expectations come from?”

Unattractive Girl Syndrome (UGS)

On the flip side of the coin of PGS is UGS. Once again, society rears its ugly head to eff up our expectations. UGS is a by-product of low self-esteem, bullying and various other mechanisms that lead women to believe they are “ugly”. With UGS, a woman fundamentally believes that she has to engage in heaux activities and slut it up in order to get the man she wants because she is (physically) unattractive and this is the only way she will get chose. And this is dead wrong! No one should be defined or dictated by what society or others say about you; all that matters is what YOU say about you. If you are comfortable with who you are, be confident in that and prove the haters wrong each and every day! If you are not comfortable with you, work on those things you can change and embrace those things you can’t change. The key is to love you first-flaws and all-and tell society and every naysayer to kiss you’re a**! Okay, now back to the post.

A wise man once said, “Hoe problems ain’t no problem,” which is a core tenet of man law. A conversation about “hoes and hoe activities typically go like this: “Old girl is a hoe? Who cares? Is she clean though? She slept with how many? I don’t give a da*n about her body count. Can she put it down? Her nickname is the head doctor? I’ll be her patient. Send her over.” Most men live by the creed, “I want a woman who’s a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets.” What man doesn’t value a woman who can rock some heels, a black dress, make-up not done by a mortician or a clown and can handle her own at a cocktail party while giving you great sex first thing in the morning, or in the bathroom at the holiday office party? However, if you get a little too freaky in the bedroom, a little too soon in the relationship, fair or not, eyebrows are raised. Instead of enjoying the moment, old boy will be asking, “Who taught you that?” And contrary to popular belief, the correct answer isn’t “Yeezy taught me.”

Now, girls with UGS often provide men with some of their freakiest escapades. These so called outcasts, throw-aways, and thots, if you will, are willing to do it all because they believe that in order to have a fighting chance against the “beautiful women” of the world, they have to be Pixie the porn star. Unfortunately, that’s not good for you and the reality is that men both love and hate that. They love it because it gives them a story to tell. But, once they’re home alone, playing back the mental tape from the sexcapade, they begin to assume that you’ve been around more than a hoolahoop. Not a good look.

Pick of the Litter Syndrome

Now let’s be clear; while we’ve focused on women-centered issues, fellas have their shi* with them too. Let a ninja be half-way good looking, have enough singles in his pocket to make it drizzle at the strip club, a degree from The University of Phoenix, and 0 dependents, and he thinks he’s God’s gift to women. While those attributes alone don’t make him God’s gift to anybody, it’s hard to discount the fact that he’s kind of a big deal. Since men, particularly men of color, with degrees, no children, no STD’s, a job and his own spot are few and far between, being in this elite group breeds a high degree of confidence in even the most humble of men. But who can blame him? He is on record as having witnessed the eyes of women enlarge like a cartoon character when they find out what he does for a living.

So you’re a big fish in a small pond. Congratulations, the force is with you. However, herein lies the problem gentlemen. We often overplay our hands. We begin to run through women like a rat through a cheese store and are as reckless with women’s emotions as a bull in a China shop. Foul. For the men who have no desire, ever in life, to have a wife, kids, a dog, a house and a white picket fence, go forth and prosper. Strap up and relay your intentions to the women you ensnare in your trap. For the men who, at some point or another, want to have a family, you can’t do this sh*t forever. If you do, you too will wake up one day, 40 and alone with a condo full of stuff from Brookstone, a pocket full of money and no one to share it with. And the only thing you can think about is the one (2, 3, 4 or 5) that you let get away. Or, in the alternative, you wake up next to the world’s biggest, craziest bi**h, who just happens to be your wife (for better or worse), humming Ne-yo’s “Do You Ever” all day every day.

A wise man once said, “Girls are like buses. Miss one next 15 one comin’.” And many men govern their lives according to this principal. However, in doing so, some lose sight of the fact that even buses stop running as the night goes on. Being a man similarly situated as the one described in this section, makes finding a mate like fishing for catfish on a catfish farm (easy). Overfish that pond or catch and release too many and you’ll find that the prize catches you had in your younger days come fewer and farther in between in your older days. To think you can do what you’ve always done (run through chicks like a hot knife through butter) and get something you’ve never had or can keep hold of a (good woman) is insane in the membrane. Insane in the brain. In short, you can be cooler than a polar bear’s toenails and flyer than a G6, but if you want to have healthy and successful relationship you must manage your expectations.

We hope you’ve enjoyed the series so far and will come back next week for our last series installment entitled, “Now what?” Remember, if you have any questions, comments or suggestions for the blog, email us at: hesaidshesaid101@gmail.com, Follow us on Twitter at @S_HeSaidBlog or just comment directly on the blog. Until next week, don’t be a hater while drinking your juice in the hood.

Manage Your Expectations-Part 2: Where did your expectations come from?

Now that it’s February, we can stop saying Happy New Year. So, we will just say welcome to the latest edition of “She Said, He Said”. Last week, in Part 1 of “Manage Your Expectations-The Series”, we asked the critical question- “What are your expectations?” If you missed it, shame on you! Now immediately go back and catch up before reading part 2. I mean you could read part 2 and then go back to part 1, but why would you do that? Exactly! So this week, for our next series installment, we explore the answers to “Where did your expectations come from?”

When we briefly touched upon the root of expectations last week, it should have become clear that expectations come from an amalgamation of sources that come together to create the perfect storm of terribleness; a terribleness that is responsible, at least in part, for your relationship troubles.  So what, you ask, are the prime sources of our unrealistic expectations? Great question! One of the prime contributors of unrealistic romantic expectations is The Disney Company (please don’t sue us). Yep, the company that brought us Mickey Mouse, the Lion King and Toy Story also delivered extreme doses of unrealistic relationship expectations. Don’t believe us? Well ask yourself these questions: Why do so many women think they are princesses? Why do so many men believe that no matter how beastly they may be on the outside, as long as they are nice guys, they’ll find their princess? Why does looking at lion cubs on National Geographic engender warm feelings? Walt “Mothereffing” Disney, that’s why (again, please don’t sue us).  But the Disney Company isn’t the only responsible party for your unreasonable expectations.

Society

Society creates these constructs, or rules if you will, that we consciously or subconsciously (mostly the latter), buy into. These constructs are hammered into us day in and day out on television, and in our music, movies and books until we finally succumb to what society wants us to believe—that all women should cook and clean; that all men should be the primary breadwinners in the home and pay the bills; and that you and your partner must be equally yoked in terms of education, occupation and other external, often unimportant, factors. Okay, so you listen to these words from society, you buy in, and then you get burned because society’s mandates aren’t always right and they don’t always apply to your life. Instead, your life looks something like this: your woman can barely boil a pot of water and she rarely does the dishes; your man makes less money than you so you take the lion’s share of the responsibility for paying bills; and while you graduated from college and law school to become a successful attorney, she took a different route by not going to college, and instead choosing to pursue her passion as an actress or pole dance instructor. According to society, when you look at your life, you can only conclude that it sucks and that you’ve done something very wrong with regard to your love life. However, the million dollar question is, “Are you happy with your circumstances?” If so, who gives a damn about “what society says”?

All too often, society dictates what we want, how we think, whom we desire and what classifies as a successful or appropriate relationship. However, what it often creates are unrealistic expectations. For example, society makes women think we need a knight in shining armor to take us away from our troubles, show us the world, and save us from ourselves and the horrible plight of being single and alone. No man or woman should be waiting on someone else to save them. The ugly truth is that if you keep stepping on the edge of that skyscraper praying for Superman to catch you when you fall, eventually you’ll realize the only thing that will catch you will be the cold, hard, pavement called reality. So save yourself the time and trouble and get it together. For us sane people, all of that stuff we mentioned is just that-stuff; stuff that society has told us we need to have a successful relationship. However, what we really need and want is a partner to come home to; one who loves us unconditionally (flaws and all), enjoys many of the things we enjoy and is a great partner (flaws and all). In the same vein, society has conditioned men to believe that their ideal woman should cook 5-course meals, that men should rarely express their opinions and they should walk softly and carry a big stick (pun intended). The reality is that society can’t govern your relationships and that your expectations must be managed and not dictated by these constructs.

Parents (or lack thereof)
Please see your therapist for that. We neither have the time, energy, nor degrees to facilitate this aspect of the conversation, but you do need to address it.

Pretty Girl Syndrome (PGS)

Women suffering from PGS are convinced that they can have any and every guy they so desire simply because they are pretty. Now, to a large degree, this is true. “Pretty women” are presented with greater options and they do have their pick of a much larger man pool than “average” or “less than average” looking woman. Notice all the quotations? Great! We put these terms in quotations because we firmly believe that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and that one man’s “6” is another man’s “10”, and vice versa. However, for argument’s sake, we’re speaking in generalities because, generally speaking, society has determined what is or is not attractive and the world has bought in. But we digress.

The problem with PGS is that your pretty girl status only lasts so long. To keep it 100, the main issue is that pretty women have their choice of mates, until they don’t! And herein lies the problem. As a PGS sufferer, you are clear and vocal about your preferences, which you treat as requirements, because you’re fine as wine, your ish doesn’t stink and your hair is laid hunty! On top of that, since middle school, you have always gotten away with summarily dismissing otherwise qualified gentlemen because you can. If he was an inch too short, made a few grand less than you required, or didn’t pledge in college, it was on to the next (because there was always a next). For a “pretty” girl, there is always a next, with one on deck, two on the bench, and a few in the D-League waiting for that call to “The Show”. Then one day, it’s all gone! The well has run dry and there is no next. You wake up and realize that you have no potential suitors, you’ve never been married, you’re childless and all you have is your dog Sparky, a fridge full of hummus, and a cold bed at the age of 42. Why? Because you thought that you would always be hot and that you would always have your pick of suitors. Unfortunately, you were so wrapped up in yourself that you didn’t realize this was virtually impossible. And now you’re miserable because all of the things you always dreamed of (love, marriage, and babies) seem so unattainable. That is the gift and the curse of expectations guided by PGS.

We’ve given you a ton of information this week, but we are just scratching the surface. So we’re going to stop here, put a pen in it and continue this discussion next week. Between this post and the post from last week, we are fairly certain that you can begin to determine the source of your expectations, if you are honest with yourself. As you think about the root of your expectations, consider how you feel about them-like, dislike, want to change, etc.

We hope you’ve enjoyed the series so far but be sure to come back next week for the latest installment. Plus, if you have any questions, comments or suggestions for the blog, email us at: hesaidshesaid101@gmail.com, Follow us on Twitter at @S_HeSaidBlog or just comment directly on the blog. Until next week, don’t be a hater while drinking your juice in the hood.

Manage Your Expectations-Part 1: What Are Your Expectations?

Happy New Year (we told you—you were going to have to deal with this until January 31^st) and welcome to another edition of “She Said, He Said.” Last week, we introduced our new series entitled “Managing Your Expectations” and today we bring you part 1. So, strap in, hold on, keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times and enjoy the ride. Disclaimer: We will NOT be responsible for any loss of limbs if you choose to be hard-headed.

Before we dive in, we must revisit the question we asked last week in order to address “What are your expectations about relationships?” Now, before you start lying and saying you don’t have any, we’re going to stop you right there; before your pants catch on fire or the Good Lord turns you into a pillar of salt. She has expectations, He has expectations, we ALL have expectations and that’s life. No matter how big or small they may be, we all expect something out of our relationships. Romance, trust, honesty, monogamy, sex at your disposal and the list goes on. These are all expectations and whether you have some or all of them, you definitely have them.

Examining the type of relationship you have (jump-off, side-chick, significant other), is the first step in determining whether your expectations are even reasonable. For example, if you’re a woman, who happens to be a side-chick, and you’re expecting your partner in your “side relationship” to buy you a gift for Valentine’s Day, Christmas, or your birthday, your bar is too high and you are suffering from Unrealistic Expectation Syndrome (UES). If you’re a man who expects your significant other (wife or girlfriend) to be okay with you coming and going as you please without so much as a call, a text, or a tweet, sir, your bar is too high and you, too, are suffering from UES. As we’ve discussed before, relationships come with rules and expectations and whether you agree or not, it is what it is. You can fight that uphill battle about setting your own rules and doing what you want, but unless both parties mutually agree to abandon the rules, which in and of itself would be a rule to abandon the rule, ultimately leaving you with rules, one or the both of you will be screwed. Do you see where we’re going with this? Just wanted to let you, “I’m an exception to the rule” fools know early, that you’re not.

So what are your expectations? People’s expectations differ depending on their lives, upbringing and experiences. Did you watch a lot of Disney movies? Did you have a father or father-figure in your life? Did you have positive examples of what a healthy romantic relationship looks like? Did you watch a lot of “The Cosby Show”? All of these things affect your ideas and expectations of relationships. We believe that there are a few different types of expectations. Now, you may get to the end of this post and say, “Hey none of these fit me” to which we’ll reply “Who gives a sh*t, you missed the point!” So, you should know early that these words of wisdom are not the results of studies and experiments conducted using the scientific method. It’s a blog about our experiences, observations and commentary on relationships. If you’re looking for a scientific breakdown about why your expectations are fu**ed up, go hire a therapist. If you would like a humorous, anecdotal, observation on expectations from a male and female perspective, we’re your team. Now that the riff raff has cleared the room, let’s get down to business. .

 

She Said:

Ladies, there’s an old adage that says “When life hands you lemons, add some Vodka and make a lemon drop.” (Well that may not be what it says, but that’s what you should do!) In relationships, life hands you lemons ALL of the time. Think about it-we’ve all had relationships that went wrong for any number of reasons: cheating issues, lack of attention issues, sex issues, lack of ambition issues, not on my level issues, chivalry issues, pick an issue and insert here—and when they went wrong, we left.

However, there are also times when situations could never even turn into relationships because of what I like to call non-starters. The dictionary defines a non-starter as an idea, proposal, or candidate with no chance of being accepted or successful. So, take a minute and think about all the people who approached you, hollered at you, asked for your number, or tried to get put on that were just non-starters. I’ll wait! I’m sure your list has at least 5 people (I’m being VERY generous) that fall into the non-starter category because they were too short, didn’t dress well, didn’t speak properly, didn’t have the right level of education, worked in blue collar professions, so on and so forth. 

Why is this important? Because when you take the list of reasons that your relationships went wrong and combine them with your reasons for classifying folks as non-starters, you should realize that you passed up on a lot of people. But the million dollar question is why do we, as women, do this? The million dollar answer for a vast majority of us is what I like to call “The Princess Diary” syndrome. I will willingly testify that I had it for most of my life and if you are honest with yourself, there is a high chance that you had/have it too. To explain, the Princess Diary syndrome goes something like this: I grew up with a mom, dad, grandparent, aunt, uncle, or other close relative constantly telling me that I am the most special girl in the whole wide world. They bought me the best of everything, they rewarded my good behavior, they showered me with love, hugs, and kisses and I was (and quite possibly still am) a princess! On top of that, as I got older, they told me that any man I dated needed to treat me like the princess/queen that I am.

Now, again, I was that girl (and in some ways I still am); and as much as I love my family for treating me like a princess, real life didn’t quite conform to these requirements and my princess-level expectations proved to not be all that realistic when it came to dating. For starters, when you’re treated like a princess for much of your life, you have a certain expectation that most things will go your way (because they always have). You didn’t have to compromise, navigate personalities, figure out how to be the bigger person in arguments, admit and acknowledge that you just might be wrong, or do any of the other things relationships require you to do in order to be successful; so you’re not prepared for all of these things when you start dating. Further, the princess diary syndrome makes you think that there is a true prince charming out there who will come dashing in on a white horse, sweep you off your feet and take you (and all of your baggage, hang-ups, personality defects, and issues) to some far away enchanted land with unicorns and butterflies where you two will live happily ever after (because that’s what happens in “Snow White” and “Sleeping Beauty”). But in real life, when times are hard, the rent is due and you’re stealing from Peter to pay Paul to keep the lights on, you feel like the world is crashing down around you and you’re wondering where you went wrong because this doesn’t happen to princesses.

When analyzing the Princess Diary Syndrome, the biggest problem it creates for women is the notion that it’s all about you. Unfortunately, it doesn’t prepare you for all of the trials and tribulations that happen in real life or for the realities of life that come along with relationships. It gives you a false sense of reality that puts you at the center of the universe and often results in you being alone because you are looking for prince charming and, honestly ladies, he doesn’t exist like he does in the storybooks.

The other issue we, as women, face is what I have entitled the D.R.A.K.E. fallacy. As you may know, Drake stands for Do Right And Kill Everything. If you suffer from the D.R.A.K.E. fallacy, you believe that if you do right and kill everything, you will end up with the person of your dreams and live happily ever after. Sadly this is not true either; another lesson the dating game taught me well.

The D.R.A.K.E. fallacy is the biggest culprit of “list” making. We are all familiar with the “list”; in fact, most of us have had one (even if it wasn’t written down). For example, you may desire a man who must be taller than 5’10” (so you can still be shorter than him when you wear heels), athletic, funny, honest, romantic, sensitive, must be a white collar professional (doctor/lawyer/accountant), should come from a good family background, must speak intelligently, must have gone to college, definitely needs a post-graduate degree, and must put it down in the bedroom. Now, you’ve created this list because you may be a 5’5” Legislative Aide on Capitol Hill with a Bachelors from Yale and a Masters in Public Policy from Duke, who enjoys long walks in the park and weekend trips to the beach. Not to mention, your parents are both physicians who went to top of the line universities for undergrad and medical school, you have two siblings (one lawyer, one accountant), you grew up in a 6 bedroom mini-mansion in Baldwin Hills and most of your friends belonged to Jack and Jill (even if this doesn’t completely mirror your life, I’m sure there are many similarities). So, clearly, it is only fitting that your mate match your fly, pound for pound.

Now see, here’s the rub. Ideally, the plan is to have someone that meets every qualification on your list. Unfortunately, that may not happen; in fact, it’s more likely than not that it won’t happen. While you may find someone with some, or even most, of the qualities/attributes that you want, you will never get everything and that’s just life. Maybe he’s great, but he sucks in the sack. Or maybe he’s an accountant but never got that MBA from Wharton and he attended University of Phoenix for undergrad. Or maybe, just maybe, he’s accident prone so he never played sports and is zero percent athletic—do these qualify as deal breakers? Too often the answer is yes; and too often women may miss out on their soul-mate and perfect partner because of it. And to keep it all the way 100, many times, when women date/marry the man with every attribute on the list, the relationship fails and they realize that their list wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be after all.

So, when you live by the Do Right And Kill Everything fallacy, you do yourself a disservice because you disqualify really good candidates based upon the fact that your “happily ever after” mate needs to look and be just like you. Unfortunately, happily ever after doesn’t really look like that in real life and this may be the reason your relationships just haven’t been working out—because you need to manage your expectations

 

He Said:

Fellas, this is the He speaking in the “She Said, He Said” partnership. I’ll do the secret handshake so you know it’s really me and not She writing this. (Secret Handshake). Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s get down to business. Every man knows that, “Bi**hes be tripping.” Sorry Oprah. This is one of the basic tenets of “Man Law”. With that being said, fellas, admit it, we be tripping too. Harder than MJ after being crossed-over by Allen Iverson. Don’t worry I’m not here to beat you up, after all I’m one of you. I’m here to point out our shortcomings in an attempt to wrestle the upper-hand from women in the battle of the sexes. “He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened,” Lao Tzu. Let’s get enlightened brothers.

Gentlemen, while it’s common knowledge that women have expectations, often times so lofty and unattainable that not even The Most Interesting Man in the World could reach them; we, too, have our own lofty expectations, which I’ve broken down into two categories.

The first type of unreasonable expectations are the ones I call the “Prince of Zamunda” expectations. These guys believe that “I can go out and sow my royal oats, and at the end of my shenanigans, my princess will be there waiting.” Guys with this line of thinking believe that we can knock down everything walking and that the good girls are supposed to stay chained to a bed with their chastity belts on, waiting for us to conquer them. That’s not how it works. If we’re knocking down everything that’s walking, unless you’re knocking down dudes and blow up dolls, conceivably you’re knocking down “potential princesses”. It’s completely and totally irrational to believe that it’s okay to rack up a body count as high as your top score on Mario Bros. yet hold in contempt the women who helped you get there. It’s like LeBron accepting D-Wade taking a supporting role when he came to Miami then being mad at him for not taking more shots. It doesn’t work like that. Plus, why would a woman who views herself as a “potential princess” ever want to submit to your sexual wilds if she knows she’ll be out of the running by “giving into her human lustful desires”? We’re disincentivizing them, which is counterproductive.

Anything we can do, women can do as well, except open pickle jars, take out the trash, determine the sex of a baby and lift their own luggage. However, short of that, they’re equal. If a 3 digit body count is good for you, it should be good for them. If you’re allowed to have sexcapades that rival Playboy Letters, then they should be allowed to have sexcapades that rival Lady Playboy letters or whatever the female equivalent is to Playboy. Believing that you can and they can’t is hypocrisy at its finest and forces women to lie or stop having sex. And since women are human too, let’s assume that they’re lying as opposed to not having sex.

I would even go so far as to say that if we could collectively agree to stop slandering women for giving us what we want (sex), more women would be open to doing it. No more coaxing, coddling, or lying about your intentions to settle down and wife a woman you absolutely positively have no intentions of seeing after you skeet. That could be life, but only if we commit to it.

The next type of unrealistic expectations we exhibit, gentlemen, is what I call the “Stepford Wives” expectations. This guy believes that, “My woman will cook, clean, suck, f**k and raise the kids and all I need to do is supply the bacon, d**k and baby juice (sperm).” Once upon a time, this expectation wasn’t just an expectation, but a real-life facet of life fulfilled by most women in the Western World. Then feminism came along and ruined it along with chilvary, so here we are. Now what?

The changing dynamic of home, work and society doesn’t allow this to be a reality. Yes, women are still marginalized, objectified and sexualized in many aspects of mainstream society but the instances are shrinking every day. While we still have scantily clad cheerleaders and Hooter’s girls, we also have female C.E.O.’s, world leaders and law makers. Like it or not, the world is changing and what once was the status quo is no longer.

The number of stay at home dads is increasing and so is the number of homes where both parents work. The days where men expected women to cook, clean, do the laundry and sex us to our hearts content, not so incidentally coincided with a time where many women didn’t work. However, given the economy and societal advances, that isn’t the case anymore. How can we rationalize turning our women into “house slaves” when they work just as long, if not longer, than we do, contribute just as much, if not more, financially as we do? Explain that Ricky Ricardo? It’s tough. I hate to say it bruhs but we may have to change some diapers, wash a few dishes and learn to cook something other than Hungry Man dinners and hot dogs. Do you have any idea how much more appealing we are to women when we can tell the difference between a chicken and a Cornish hen or know the best way to get grass stains out of a shirt? Bruhs…think about it. I can personally attest to having bedded many a woman on home cooked meals and displays of a clean house. If you cook it they will come.

I hope you don’t think I was beating up on you because I have had to have this same talk with myself. One of the things that separates us from our cavemen ancestors is our ability to think, change and adapt. While the landscape in the domain of male-female relations is ever changing, we can do this. I know we can and we kind of have to unless we’re going to screw prostitutes and fleshlights forever.

Now that we’ve covered expectations, what they are and the problem with them, next week we will delve into Part 2: Changing and Ridding Ourselves of Ridiculous Expectations.

Manage Your Expectations-The Series

Happy New Year (until January is over you’re going to get these New Year’s greetings so suck it up and deal) and welcome back to “She Said, He Said.” Where have we been you ask? Around. Why the long pause in posts? Life. Are you back-back or is this an anomaly? We’re back like Member’s Only jackets and Bugle Boy jeans. So, for our first topic of the New Year, we want to talk about managing your expectations. Here goes nothing.

It has come to our attention, via Twitter, Facebook and talking to wayward souls, that many of you have unreasonably lofty expectations of life, love and Labrador retrievers (we’ll explain later).  We’re not blaming you, at least not completely. There is plenty of blame to go around between you, society, Disney, your parents, Drake, fairy tales, your first love, your physical beauty (or lack thereof), your zodiac sign, etc. In short, there are a lot of places, people and things to point the finger at (except us), but ultimately the largest set of blame rests on your shoulders. A lesson that it took one of us a LONG time to figure out! Now, once you get over the fact that it sucks, you have to solve the problem. The first step to solving a problem is admitting that you have a problem. Now, this admission may take a while and might be accompanied by many journal-writing, self-reflecting, wtf, drunken nights. However, after all that-you’ll come to grips with the fact that you just might have a problem. After that, the next step is figuring out the root of the problem and then uprooting that b**ch like a weed you found in your illustrious rose garden. That’s where we come in. In case you forgot how this works, we’ll refresh your memory.

As you very well may know, opinions on relationships are like germs: you know everyone has 'em, but you'd prefer that they keep those opinions to themselves. Part of the problem with relationship advice is that it often comes from unreliable sources. For instance, either the advice-giver has been married (and divorced) multiple times or is single and hasn’t been on a date in years. Or, the advice comes from the view of one-sex which, unless you’re in a same-sex relationship, may not be all that helpful. If you’re a woman, taking advice from another woman about dealing with men is like taking advice from Chris Christie about diet and exercise or about how not to bully your political opponents. Not advisable. And if you’re a man, the advice you get from your boys will likely lead you right down the path to baby mama drama because you followed the stick and move approach to relationships. Not a good look. With that in mind, we believe that the best relationship advice provides insight from both perspectives because it’s only together that a reasonable and rational conclusion may be reached; so, here we are and you’re welcome! Now back to the topic at hand.

The idea of managing your expectations is thicker than a Luke dancer and more treacherous than “The Trap.” So much so, that we deduced that there was no way we could discuss all of the subtle nuances of this topic in one post. Consequently, we’ve turned it into a series.  You can thank us now (Drake voice). Over the next few weeks, we’ll be exploring your relationship expectations, how you got them, why they’re fu**ed up, why despite their fu**ed up nature you still have them and how to get rid of them. You’re either gonna love us at the end of this series, or be forced to go find yourself a counselor because we will expose the naked truth! Either way, it’s a win-win.  In preparation for Part 1 of the series, we are challenging our readers with a short assignment: Take 5 minutes to write down your relationship/significant other expectations; what do you want in a partner? Feel free to share in the comments section or keep them to yourself-the choice is yours. However, just make sure you do it! Now, stay tuned and enjoy the ride for the next few weeks as we embark upon “Managing Your Expectations-The Series.”

Box Sale

We’re back!!!! We know it has been quite a while since our last post and many of you probably thought we were face down in a road-side ditch; but alas, we’re alive and well. So, to answer the million dollar question of what happened? Life happened. She got busy, He got busy and our blog got lost, kind of like a leash-less kid at Disney. However, the good news is that the blog is no longer lost in the hustle and now we’re letting you know “the blog is back,” in our best Rick Ross voice.  We have truly missed our faithful followers/readers and just want to reiterate how much we appreciate you and your support.

For those new to the blog or those who need a refresher because it has been so long you’ve forgotten the setup, please allow us to explain. As you very well may know, opinions on relationships are like germs: you know everyone has 'em, but you'd prefer that they keep those opinions to themselves. Part of the problem with relationship advice is that it often comes from unreliable sources. For instance, either the advice-giver has been married (and divorced) multiple times or is single and hasn’t been on a date in years. Or, the advice comes from the view of one-sex which, unless you’re in a same-sex relationship, may not be all that helpful. If you’re a woman, taking advice from another woman about dealing with men is like taking advice from Mitt Romney on how to deal with poor people. Not advisable. And if you’re a man, the advice you get from your boys will likely lead you right down the path to baby mama drama because you followed the stick and move approach to relationships. Not a good look. With that in mind, we believe that the best relationship advice provides insight from both perspectives because it’s only together that a reasonable and rational conclusion may be reached; so, here we are.

Now, let us make it abundantly clear that these are our thoughts based solely upon our years of experience with family, friends and our personal love affairs. We aren’t being compensated for this, and we definitely haven’t researched this stuff, so use this information for your benefit (or at your own peril) and feel free to do what you please with our germs...we mean advice. So now, without further delay, let’s get back to business! 

As we thought about our first post out of retirement, we decided that we needed to address a topic that has been on our minds for quite some time; that topic is “Boxes for Sale”. Yeah, we said it and yeah we mean it because this is getting out of control. It has occurred to us via our immense studies, and by studies we mean extensive reviews of our Twitter Timelines and Facebook Feeds, that many women are pricing the box; otherwise known as the lady parts. What do we mean by that? Well, we’re glad you asked.  As of late, there has been much discussion about the growing number of women setting minimum dollar amounts and imposing requirements men must satisfy in order to access the box. For example, in order to get the goods, some women are requiring $200-$2,000 dates, a man who drives a luxury vehicle, or a man who makes “x” amount of dollars. And if he doesn’t drop this dough or meet these requirements, his access to the box is DENIED. Well, herein lies the numerous problems with this mindset.

Ladies, we both recognize and acknowledge that women are valuable and so are your/our goods; therefore, they shouldn’t be freely given away to every Tom, Dick, Harry, Malik or Juan who wants them. However, once access to “the box” comes with financial prerequisites and minimum spending price tags, it takes on a whole new dimension. In some ways, if you adopt this paradigm, you might as well attach a “For Sale” sign to your Victoria Secret’s and a barcode on your box because you’ve just made yourself a product. Once you’ve assigned a dollar amount, prerequisite, or minimum bidding price to your time, talents and tatas, things change.

He says: the price tag makes you a whore. Yes, a whore. Whores charge for their services and once you start imposing mandatory minimums, you enter into the world of the high-priced harlot. Money changes things. The difference between Burger King and a soup kitchen, a homeless shelter and a hotel, a woman and a whore is the exchange of money. If you start pricing the box, don’t be surprised when your customer(s) begins to treat your interactions less like mutual agreements to spend quality time together and more like strict financial transactions. In the financial sector, we operate under the theory of supply and demand; a concept that can be applied to “selling the box”.  For example, if your customer no longer believes your box supply is worth the money he’s shelling out and that there is a more affordable or even better price and product, don’t be surprised if he severs the relationship.  Now, if you don’t want a relationship and don’t mind being likened to a “high priced heaux”, then it’s all good baby girl, do what you do.  However, based upon my observations and experiences, most women want a relationship. If this is in fact your goal, selling your box to the highest bidder does not facilitate this process. In fact, it does the opposite. As a man, I’m just saying.

She says: this concept of pricing the box is ridiculous and needs to quickly go the way of the Dodo (extinction).  In no way do I advocate you just giving up the goods to anyone who wants them, asks for them, or tries to sweet talk you into the sheets. However, if that’s the way you want to get down, I fully support it; just protect yourself. Yet, I cannot understand the concept of only giving the goods to a man who spends no less than $200 on a date, drives a luxury car or has “that good government job”.  Luckily, I’ve never met anyone who actively engages in this line of thought because if I did, my first question would be “Bish are you crazy?!?”  For starters, what about a man spending $200 on a date makes him worthy of getting your goods? Are you only worth $200? If so, your snatch can’t be all that good if all it’s worth is a dinner at Morton’s. Also, is it really that easy for you to just give it up based on a man’s possession of material things? I’m going to step out on a limb and say that his dropping $200 on a date, while carting you around in a S Class Mercedes and telling you that he works on Capitol Hill doesn’t make him any worthier of your lovin’ and that it surely doesn’t somehow make him great boyfriend or husband material. In fact, there’s a great likelihood that he’s a complete douchebag who doesn’t value you and could care less about making you his girlfriend let alone his wife. So, if you want long term-why even bother? If you want to get some, get some, but don’t put a price tag on it because that’s just ridiculous. 

As you can see, we firmly believe that women with these “box accessibility requirements” really need to get over themselves. This is a ridiculous concept that is not going to go over well with most men you will be interested in. However, if this is how you choose to live your life, God speed and let us know how it works out.  But, for what it’s worth, thanks for giving us a great topic of discussionJ! Til we meet again, wrap it up, keep it tight and behave yourselves!  

The Dating Game Part 4: Monogamy

Happy Friday and welcome to the final installment of the “She Said, He Said” mini-series entitled, “The Dating Game”. To date, we’ve covered the intricacies of the first date, the concept of “catfishing” and the need for dating/relationship transparency, and the great world of sex. So, you’re probably thinking, what more is there to talk about? A lot! The reality is that dating must have an end-game. At some point, your dating situation either fails or it continues to strengthen, grow and become more than just dating. The vast majority of us have dated people who just didn’t work out because of bad sex, crazy and psychotic behavior, lack of attraction, lack of intelligence, divergent life paths or any other number of reasons. However, the situation clearly wasn’t meant to be so we stopped dating these people. By the same token, we’ve also dated people with whom we ultimately engaged in meaningful relationships because we wanted to explore where it would go, we fell in love, we found our perfect person or we just got tired of running the streets.

Regardless of the reason, when dating, you ultimately have to sh*t or get off the pot and decide whether to move on or to keep the good thing going.  Assuming that you are interested in keeping the good thing going, we’re going to take you through the final few stages of the dating game so you don’t mess this up. Don’t worry, you can thank us later.

Monogamy
Most men believe monogamy to be “an old, old wooden ship that was used in the Civil War era.” That, gentlemen, is incorrect. Monogamy occurs when two people decide they only want to date, screw and share a shower (unless one or both is an athlete) with each other. If you’ve gotten to the point where this is even an option, congratulations you’ve made it to the “Big Leagues.” But don’t take this position lightly. What you do here could have longstanding ramifications on your life and the lives of others. Think the Butterfly Effect without Ashton Kutcher and the creepiness of the movie.

For men and women, monogamy is a big step and you shouldn’t let anyone, not your priest, therapist, significant other or mother pressure you into taking the “monogamy plunge” before you are 100% ready. That means 100% ready to put away your heauxish ways, 100% ready to cut-off all the jumpoffs, 100% ready to publicly claim your significant other, and 100% ready to be committed to making the relationship work in word, thought, and deed.

Once you decide you are going to be monogamous, things change. For instance, if you decide that part of your monogamy move involves living with your significant other, if you prematurely shack up with your partner, it could feel like fire and brimstone are raining down on your life if you don’t have your mind right. Gentlemen, it’s no longer okay to only clean the house when it smells or when company is coming over and you can no longer only go to the grocery store once you’ve finished the last beer.  You have also got to stop leaving the toilet seat up because that’s not okay. In the same vein ladies, once you decide it’s all about “Man X”, you have to change some of your ways. Yes, you will have to cook a real meal; no, you cannot leave your feminine products lying around the bathroom; and no, you cannot monopolize the DVR by recording every single show on VH1 and Bravo.  The moral of the story, ladies and gents, is that you must adjust and share because you’re not single anymore. That’s one of the quintessential tenets of monogamy.

Yes, we know that after what we just said, monogamy seems like a cross between hell and prison, but it’s really not that bad. So, if you’re still interested in being monogamous, the million dollar question is: when is monogamy warranted? We’re glad you asked. Monogamy is warranted when you’re tired of dating every Tom, Dick, Malik, Juan, Mary, Lisa, Bonisha, or Isabella and you’re ready to just be with one person. Monogamy is warranted when you’re ready to deal with the fact that if your partner pisses you off, you have to work it out because you have no one to run to. Monogamy is warranted when you’re ready to deal with the prospects of spending the next 18 years to life with this person in the event a child should result from your unholy union. Monogamy is warranted when you feel like you’ve found your perfect person.

Until you reach that point, play on playa. There’s nothing worse than getting into a relationship out of boredom or just for the sake of being in a relationship. Actually, this is bad on all fronts because you aren’t invested in the relationship, you are sure to cheat, and you may bring out the crazy in your significant other because you have toyed with his/her emotions. So again, if you aren’t ready to go balls to the wall with someone, keep it pimpin partna. However, do not be selfish. If you’re going to play, give your partner(s) full knowledge, or some semblance of full knowledge, about what you’re doing. In other words, don’t be out here running the streets while you have someone thinking y’all are two steps away from the altar. That’s not cool and it may get you cut, shot, or otherwise physically injured. Just be honest. But, as a disclaimer, we can’t promise that your honesty will eliminate the likelihood that you’ll get cut. We can say, however, that it will drastically lower the chances.

Meet The Family & Friends

After becoming a couple, there will come a point where you and your significant other will need to meet each other’s family and friends. Only you two will know the right time for these introductions, but there are some salient take home points you should know. One, please don’t bring your boo home to your folks too early in the relationship because you may scare them off. Meeting the family is a huge step and you don’t want it to occur before you know whether this relationship really has potential. A premature meeting may instill fear in the heart of your significant other because he/she may think the relationship’s moving too fast or that your family is crazy and needs to be committed. Neither of these are good options. So, talk it through as a couple and decide (together) the best time to meet the folks.

With regard to meeting the crew, it’s a little easier to meet friends because they are usually less judgmental and always around. However, please remember that you are trying to impress his/her friends so act accordingly. On your first meeting, don’t get so drunk that you throw up in the best friend’s car or cuss out another friend just because. Also, don’t be so standoffish and quiet that they think you are an utter and complete jerk, bi**h or douchebag. There is a happy medium so find it.

At the end of the day, the goal is to be liked and respected by your significant other’s inner circle, especially if you plan on keeping them around. While there are many relationships that continue in spite of a family’s disdain for the significant other, it creates extremely tense and unhealthy situations that no one wants to deal with. For instance, what girl wants to spend holidays with her boyfriend’s family when Aunt Cathy keeps referring to her as “that trick with Billy”? Or, what guy wants to be forced to eat dinner with his girl’s ex-boyfriend every Sunday because her parents invite the ex in hopes that she will “see the light and dump the loser”? Nobody. No one wants to be in an awkward and uncomfortable situation. So the moral of the story kiddies: find someone your family and friends like and always put your best foot forward when trying to get them to like you.

Meet Me At the Alter

Once you’ve gone on your first date, continued dating, engaged in sex to ensure that you are comfortable sleeping with this person for the rest of your life, entered into the monogamy zone, introduced him/her to the family and friends, received approval from the family and friends and realize that none of this has scared your significant other away, the only thing left to do is tie the knot. Again, marriage is not something that should be entered into lightly or prematurely. When you propose, you need to be 100% certain that you are committed to spending the rest of you living days on Earth with this person. It may take you 5 months or 5 years to make that determination, but just make sure you’re ready when you take the plunge. 

As you begin or continue to traverse the rocky and windy road that is the dating game, we wish you luck and much success. We hope that our tips have been helpful and will see you through on your journey. And above all else, enjoy the ride! 

The Dating Game, Pt 3: Sex!

Sex, all the time.

Sex, on my mind!

Sex, everywhere I go. I’m tryna let you know.

It’s stronger than any drug, even love.

S-E-X!

-“Three Letter Word” Jamie Foxx

Thank God it’s Friday! We don’t know what has been going on in your world, but we can surely say that it has been one hectic, long and cold week around here. However, it’s finally Friday and we are glad to welcome you to another edition of “She Said, He Said.” As you know, a couple of weeks ago, we decided to address the ever-evolving world of dating and the rules that govern the dating game. Since there is so much to discuss, we decided to create a mini-series on the topic because in the months leading up to this series, it had become abundantly clear to us that many of you were playing way too fast and loose with the rules and were quickly on your way to ending up in a roadside ditch. However, since we don’t want to see the demise of your love life and don’t want you to end up in a roadside ditch, we decided to pen this series called “The Dating Game.”

The series began, as it should have, with us talking about first dates and everything you need to know about them. We talked about what to wear, what to do and who pays. Last week we took a slight, yet related, detour to discuss catfishing and the need for transparency in dating and relationships. For those of you who missed last week’s post, no we were not talking about catching an actual catfish; if that’s what you thought, you need to quickly read last week’s blog post for more info and get your life immediately. So, here we are in week 3 of our mini-series and what are we talking about? Well, we’re glad you asked. This week, ladies and gentlemen, we’re talking about sex. Now, let us forewarn you, this week’s post is not a Danielle Steele novel, an ode to “Fifty Shades of Grey”, or a letter to Penthouse magazine. No, this is a serious discussion about the basics, just the basics, of sex. While those of you who think you’re the “Kobe Bryant’s” of sex because you’ve been in the game for a while and believe that there is nothing to learn here, don’t get it twisted, there is always something to be learned. And for those of you who are the “Kyrie Irving’s” of sex, rookies in the game still trying to master the rules and the techniques, you may feel overwhelmed but no worries, we’re here to help. So, read slowly, take good notes and call if you have questions.

Before we dive in, we would be remiss if we didn’t give you the real about sex. Let’s face facts, in an ideal world, we would all follow the words of the Good Book and abstain from having sex until we are married. We say this for two reasons: (1) because the Bible says so; and (2) because sex complicates things. Anyone who has had more than one partner knows that sex adds a whole different dimension to any type of relationship and unfortunately, that new dimension isn’t always a good one. For those of you at home, work, or the hair salon reading this shaking your head and saying “nuh uhn”, you’re lying to yourself. For all you ladies with that “Ill Na Na”, you know you’ve had your fair share of stalkers who’ve come after you begging for the goods long after you’ve vanquished them. And for the mandingo warriors in the audience, many of you know what it means to hit the bottom and you’ve experienced having a chick text you from her man’s house asking when you’re going to knock her down again, even though you’ve told her countless times, a million different ways, that you’re done. Even for those of you with just average or above-average sex games, there is something about the melding of two (or more) bodies together in that animalistic methodology that causes people to act crazy. So beware because sex can often take a great thing to something very strange and completely unwanted.

As we stated earlier, in an ideal world, everyone would wait until they’re married to have sex. However, this world isn’t ideal. People do what they want to do and the reality is that most people will not wait until marriage to “get down on it”. Sex is everywhere so why wouldn’t we want to get some, especially if everyone else is? So, in this day and age, for the vast majority of folks all across the globe it’s all about sex. Lucky for you, this blog post will help you navigate the waters. Without further adieu, in the words of Salt ‘N’ Pepa, “Let’s talk about sex, baby. Let’s talk about you and me. Let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things, that may be. Let’s talk about sex!”

Jump-offs

We’ve talked about jump-offs before so you know how we feel about the nature of this relationship. Jump-offs have such a maligned name that many people are hesitant to even speak of the jump-off relationship/situation outside of the comforts of their circle or therapist’s office. However, there are some benefits to this relationship. One of the benefits of having a jump-off is sexploration. Sexploration is defined as a refinement of sexual skills where there are very few boundaries, which can take you to heights (and depths) unknown. Jump-off situations usually arise because a person doesn’t want to be in a relationship but needs a buddy to keep the bed warm at night or to be available for a few minutes of sexual healing at 3 in the morning. If you’re in this boat, a jumpoff is the perfect sexual relationship for you-no drama, no strings, and limited boundaries.

However, you must remember the cardinal rules: You don’t make love to a jump-off, you merely have sex with a jump-off. As BBD said, “you can slap it up, flip it, rub it down” but oh noooooo, you can’t love it, cry about it, cry in it or catch feelings for it. No sir and no ma’am, that is not a part of this game plan.

One Night Stand

What’s the difference between a one night stand and a jump off? We’re glad you asked. A jump off relationship may continue on for a significant length of time while a one night stand cannot, hence the reason it is called a one night stand. Since we are keeping it 100, you need to know that one night stands are typically the products of drunken nights, random vacation interactions and poor judgment. We would venture to say that Ciroc and Patron have produced more one night stands than Coke (the cola). The appeal of this arrangement is that there are no strings attached and after you’ve done the deed, you don’t ever have to see, hear from or talk to this person again. It’s one and done. Truth be told, if you’ve never had one, you might want to put it on your bucket list.

Keep it Live

There is a reason why nearly every married with children type of sitcom talks about how boring married sex can be. That’s because once people get married, they become complacent and lazy and stop performing the sexual tricks they performed when they were “auditioning” to get their mate. If you were David Copperfield before you got married, don’t think it’s okay to put your tricks away and become a birthday party magician. That’s not cool. We know as time moves on, work hours become longer, family responsibilities grow, life gets in the way and body parts begin to expand like the Red Sea and sink like the Titanic. However, that has NOTHING to do with the romance, the fire, and the spark that should endure in any relationship. If you want to keep the relationship, you’ve gotta keep the sex. Point blank period.

By our very nature, we grow tired of things after a while. It’s the reason why every year men buy a different version of the same video game (Madden, NBA2k, Call of Duty). It’s the reason why women buy the same sweater, dress, or pair of shoes in 4 different colors. It’s the reason why you buy your kids a million toys for Christmas because one just isn’t enough to last them until their birthday or next Christmas. You have to keep it live and you have to keep it fresh. So, get some condiments, some toys, some instructional videos and have at it. Failure to do so may make you a complicit actor in the demise of your relationship.

Making Love

This is, by far, the most serious yet amazing sexual experience any two people can have. What separates sex, a jump off, a one-night stand and some run of the mill sexcapade from making love? It’s the passion, the feeling, the emotions, and the love. When you make love to someone, you’re not just trying to climax or get your rocks off.  When you make love to someone, it’s more than just one person’s selfish means to an end; it is a journey to mutual gratification. It is pleasure and, in some cases pain (the good kind), but it is a sensual expression of love. You can’t make love to and with everyone and you can’t do it with just anybody. Making love should be reserved to your special person, a person with whom you are in love.

In closing, while we may or may not believe in abstinence, there’s a reason why other people do; and it’s not just because of religious beliefs or possible life complications. The reality is that every time you have sex with a person, you take some aspect of that interaction with you as you move on to the next one. Whether it’s the experience, the emotions, or a virus, you take it with you. So, there is something to be said about keeping your numbers low and watching who you sleep with because you may not want to take an entire men’s basketball team or the cheerleading squad with you everywhere you go. But hey, we’re just here to help because we know that ultimately, you’re going to do what you want to. And, as you do what you do—just wrap it up, keep it safe, and try to avoid making and having babies unless you have planned it or you absolutely want to! Until next time, stay safe out there!