Holiday Shopping Guide

Greetings, Happy Holidays and welcome to this week’s edition of “She Said, He Said.” We hope everyone is as much in the holiday spirit as we are-drinking Eggnog, attending holiday parties with endless supplies of food and libations and riding around the streets blasting Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas” at the highest decibel your radio can attain. ChristmasHanuKwanzaa is one of our favorite times of the year, not just because of the presents, food and spiked eggnog but because of how happy and pleasant people are during this time of year. If you’re like most Americans, you probably haven’t completed your Christmas shopping yet. With less than a week til Christmas, you’re probably still struggling with what to get somebody on your list. Woohoo, you’re in luck because we can help you in that endeavor. However, if you’re wondering what decorative plate to get your 80-year old grandmother or which video game to buy your niece/nephew, sadly, we can’t help you so you’ll have to look elsewhere. If you’re wondering what to get the man who has everything or the woman who wants everything, this isn’t the place for that either. But, if you’re wondering which individuals on your “Romance Roster” deserve gifts, you’re certainly in the right place and we’re here to help.

We here at “She Said, He Said” have repeatedly said that we neither advocate nor endorse cheating-not by you, your mom or Olivia Pope. While it is easy to act on your animal instincts, defy the constraints of you or your love interest’s relationship and jump the bones of the side piece, it’s not a good look to hurt the other unknowing participants in the love triangle/square/octagon for 5 minutes of bumping and grinding. However, we aren’t naïve and are fully aware of the fact that a lot of people do it. Perhaps even you. So, rather than turn a blind eye to your sticky situation, we have decided to help you make the best of it, especially during the holiday season. We would hate for you to get shot, stabbed or castrated for giving a bad gift or even worse, not giving a gift at all. However, as with everything, there are boundaries.

As you know, the holiday season means gift giving and EVERYONE always expects a gift. This includes your co-workers, your boss, your wife, your husband, your mistress, and your jumpoff; like we said, everybody wants something especially for Christmas. So what to do?  First, you have to decide who you’re going to give gifts to. I know many of you think this is a no-brainer, but it isn’t. Every year, during the holiday season, millions of Americans go into debt because they spend too lavishly on gifts or buy too many in an effort to be Santa’s substitute. However, in the words of our dear friend Sweet Brown, “Aint nobody got time for dat!” And that is why we are here. We’re going to help you avoid Christmas gift-giving pitfalls and supply helpful tips, hints and advice with the “She Said, He Said Holiday Shopping Guide.” We will tell you who deserves a gift, supply ideas on what to buy and advise you on anything else we think you need to know.

<    1.    Husband/Wife

The first person, and hopefully only love interest, you should buy a gift for is your lawfully wedded mate. This person took a vow to love, to hold, to clean and to deal with your dirty drawls til death do you part. Therefore, he/she should be rewarded accordingly.  There are a lot of factors that go into gift giving. You must consider your spouse’s age, height, weight, interests and medical conditions before deciding on a gift. However, since we don’t have this information for each and every reader, we’ll do our best to give general advice with wide applicability.  

We believe Christmas is the time of year when you purchase wishful and useful gifts. Save the chocolates, sexy underwear and spa gifts for Valentine’s Day and think iPads, watches and over-priced headphones. Also, pay close attention to hints your spouse may have dropped over the course of the past 3-6 months. If he mentions wanting the Dark Knight Trilogy on Blu-ray or the new Jordan’s that drop today, listen to those statements and get those as gifts-he will love you forever. And if she mentions needing a pair of designer shoes or wanting to go on a shopping spree, run to the store and pick out a pair or get her a gift card and she’ll melt in your hands. Getting your spouse what he/she has mentioned in passing not only ensures that you give great gifts, it also gets you out of the dog house for all those times you were accused of not listening. If this isn’t a win-win, then we don’t know what is.  Now, this list isn’t exhaustive, just illustrative of where your thinking should be. The moral of the story is: 1. Your spouse should get a gift; and 2. It should be nice and useful.

<    2.   Boyfriend/Girlfriend

This next group only applies to you non-married individuals. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, of course they should get a gift. These are the people who voluntarily and willingly tolerate you and your bullsh*t despite having no legally binding contract or vow to God that compels them to do so. In most cases, the only thing that separates these people from a spouse is a ring. As such, gift accordingly and gift well. As a helpful word to the wise, the longer you have been together, the better the gift should be. For example, if you have only been with your man for a month, maybe you don’t want to buy the $1,400 Bose stereo system; however, a gift card or some nice shoes/clothes would be nice. In the same vein, if you’ve been with your girl for 4 years and aren’t pulling out a ring to propose (which she is absolutely expecting), you might want to come to the table with something a bit more upscale like a Gucci or Louis Vuitton purse so you can continue to stay out of the dog house. Again, just mere suggestions, we’re simply trying to help.

<    3.  Mistress/Mister

Now, here comes the tricky part. Just because we don’t support your extra-marital/relationship affair doesn’t mean we’re going to write you off as an adulterer and kick you out of the circle. Let us be clear, we hate the adultery not the adulterer and will love you in spite of all of your transgressions. And, it’s because of this love that we don’t want to see you meet your untimely demise when your mistress/mister offs you for not buying them a Christmas gift or decides to spread the news about your affair on your Twitter and Facebook accounts, with links to Instagram photos of you two boo’d up when you were supposed to be visiting your mother last weekend. In order to keep doing what you do, the reality is that you have to pay the cost to be the boss. In this instance, “boss” is a euphemism for a “cheater” who must have testicles the size of a T-Rex if he/she chooses to have an extra-marital affair. But, we digress.

When doing your holiday shopping, you absolutely must buy this person a gift. However, by no means should it even be as close to as nice as your spouse’s. If you bought your spouse a Tiffany necklace, unless you’re a congressman, buy your mistress a bracelet from the pawn shop. If you bought your husband a Breitling watch, buy your mister a Fossil. You want to give them something nice enough that they don’t complain or rock the boat, but not so nice that they get accustomed to fancy and expensive gifts or think this fling may last longer than it will. And, just so you know, it should not last any longer than the day after Christmas. Capiche?

<   4. Jump-Off

Last, but certainly not least, (well actually this person is the least of all considerations) is the jump-off. Do not, we repeat DO NOT, buy your jump off a Christmas gift; don’t even give him/her a Christmas Card.  The only gift they should be getting is some hard **** and bubble gum, or inversely that good good and some Doublemint. The minute you start buying your jump-off gifts is the moment you elevate the jump-off’s status to mistress/mister and, in some extreme cases, girlfriend/boyfriend which is against protocol. Unless this is your intent, and per the “Jump-Off Commandments” we have no earthly idea why it would be, “Don’t do it, reconsider, read some liter-a-ture on the subject.”

While it may sound harsh, that’s just the way it is. We didn’t write the “Jump-Off Commandments”, we just passed them down for the good of the order. Well, maybe we did write them but we didn’t come up with them. These are the rules that have been passed down from generation to generation and have been time-tested and pimp approved, just ask Katt Williams.  

Now, when you hit the mall this weekend, you should be in and out in no time. We hope this post is of assistance to you and keeps you from going astray. If not, go back to the mall, fix your mistakes and get on the good gift-giving foot.  As it’s the holidays, we are going to enjoy Christmas week with family and friends but will be back the first Friday in January with another installment for your reading pleasure. We love ya’ll, appreciate ya’ll and  hope you have a very Merry Christmas, a Happy Hannukah, a blessed Kwanzaa and a Happy New Year! 

Sharing Spaces-Part 2

Happy Friday and welcome to this week’s edition of “She Said, He Said.” Last week we delved into the topic of co-habitation with your significant other. We decided to split the list in half (sort of) to give us the space to expand on each point in greater depth and detail and to prevent you from reading something akin to a novel. You’re welcome. You may have noticed that last week’s points were about getting the space and decorating it. This week’s points focus on what to do now that you have your house, condo, apartment or room in your parents’ house and have to share it with someone else. Just to recap, last week we covered points 1 and 2 which stated:

(1)   Don’t move into your significant other’s space; get a space together.

(2)   Be an active participant in the decorating process

Now that you’ve done these two things, what’s next? Well, we’re glad you asked:

(3)   Believe in the concept of division of labor and share chores

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away men left the house, went to work and served as the primary breadwinners and when they came home, the house was clean and dinner was on the table ready for consumption. Then something happened to change all of that. We had the Industrial Revolution, World Wars I and II, the Woman’s Suffrage Movement, the Civil Rights Movement, the advent of Feminism, the Recession, Major College Conference Re-Alignment and Notre Dame (it has to partly be their fault because it always is) and the role of women changed. Women began to enter the workforce in large numbers and they went from being housewives to working wives and from stay-at-home moms to working moms. While this has been great for women, most men think this seismic shift is a tragedy. However, it’s a grim reality men need to come to grips with.

The reality is that in most homes with two able-bodied adults, both people work. Additionally, the increase of women in both the workplace and corporate America means that she isn’t just working teacher’s hours or doing shift work that allows her to get off between the hours of 3:00pm and 5:00pm. Instead, more women are performing jobs that require long hours, involve immense amounts of travel and may be just as demanding, if not more, than the guy’s.  So sadly, she may not have time to cook, clean, wash the dishes, put in 5 loads of laundry, and take care of the kids after working a 10-12 hour day. What’s a man to do?

A man has got to pitch in, do his part and hope he can at least get some happy endings for sharing the load. Seriously speaking, since both parties eat, sleep, and live in this residence, it’s in the best interests of both parties to make sure the place doesn’t end up on an episode of hoarders or end up being condemned. However you decide to divvy up the chores is between you and your mate, but division of labor is something that must be done in order to keep the peace and a clean house. So guys, you need to step it up. However, as a caveat to women, She says, “A man’s willingness to step up does not mean you can fall back. More specifically, don’t stop cooking, cleaning or doing your part in the relationship just because you have help because that’s not cool.”

As a final note, there are no jobs or household chores that are inherently more womanly/manly than others. As such, it is okay not to conform to stereotypical gender roles when choosing your chores.  It’s perfectly fine for men to dust and women to fix toilets, if that’s your thing. However, you must know your partners strengths and weaknesses and divide the tasks accordingly. If your boyfriend is colorblind, perhaps it’s in the best interests of you and your expensive undergarments for him not to be assigned the laundry. If your girlfriend is about as good a cook as Shaq is at shooting free throws, perhaps you should do the cooking or order more carryout. In the absence of a glaring weakness towards one chore or another, evenly divide them and rotate so no one always gets stuck doing the chore(s) they absolutely hate each and every time. 

(4)   Compromise with TV time

In some homes, TV time can be the precursor to Wrestle Mania, it’s just that bad. She wants to watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians and he wants to watch Dexter so there is a standoff and the last person standing gets to control the television; this is never a good situation. Unfortunately, many people face this nightly dilemma because in an effort to save money, quite a few of our friends either don’t have TVs or don’t have one in every room. While this may be good for preserving your pockets and the planet, it could be bad for your health, safety and hospital bill.

No person needs to watch TV all day, every day. No one. Therefore, it is imperative that neither party dominate the remote during the primetime lineup. Unless, of course, you find yourself in some sort of utopian relationship where you two happen to like all the same shows and the matter of who holds the remote is just a formality. However, this is a highly unlikely situation so it’s more likely that he’ll want to watch one set of shows and she’ll want to watch another at the same da*n time. But if you only have one TV, what to do? You share AND you buy a DVR or a Netflix subscription, then you pray that you don’t fight over who is taking up more space on the DVR.

Technology is one of the best things that ever happened to relationships. In this particular instance, the addition of a DVR or a subscription to HULU or Netflix helps resolve the issue of one person being able to watch his/her favorite show to the detriment of his/her partner. You get to watch one and record the other so you can watch it later. In fact, some television subscription services even allow you to watch the show the same day it comes out on your laptop or tablet, making it a truly worthwhile investment. Once you take full advantage of all the greatness that is technology, the only decision you’re left to make is who gets to watch what show first and who is forced to wait. Well that’s a decision best left for you and your partner to decide because we can’t fix everything.

(5)   Never forget the importance of alone time for you and your boo

Alone time…does this really exist when you’re sharing space with your significant other? Yes it should and yes it does. The only person you should spend every waking moment with is God and, if we’re honest, many of us ditch him far too much. The point we are trying to make is that it’s irrational and kind of creepy to spend every single moment of every single day with your partner. People need alone time and should have that alone time to think and just be, and that alone time should include more minutes than those used during showers and meetings with the porcelain throne. We are speaking of real, significant alone time that can be spent on reading, playing video games, writing, exercising, or whatever it is that men do when their woman cannot stand to be with them another second. 

It’s important for people to remember that when you enter into a relationship, you are an individual. And in the sad event that your relationship doesn’t work out, you’ll still be an individual. So, don’t lose that individuality just because you become someone’s significant other. Plus, couples who do EVERYTHING together and can’t stand to be separated for more than a couple of minutes in public are just weird and kinda gross (yes, we’re judging). It’s like watching a snake swallow its prey-you hate to watch it, but you have to watch because you want to know how the process works.

So don’t be gross. Instead, maintain your individuality and continue to do the things you enjoyed doing prior to entering into the relationship, unless those things were hunting down murderers or putting bricks in the hood. If not, continue to do you. Having interests outside of your partner allows you to continue to be you and have something to talk about. It also keeps the relationship interesting because distance and separation are really a good thing, in moderation. If you do everything together what is there to share or talk about?

 

In conclusion, living with your significant other can be challenging, daunting and outright scary. Even “relationship experts” have problems living with the ones they love. Putting two people in the same place and asking them to coexist in harmony is a tall task but it isn’t impossible. It takes  a lot of work and commitment from both partners for the shared spaces experiment to truly work. It’ll be what you what you make it. Good luck!

Sharing Spaces-Part 1

Happy Friday! Now that the work week is over on to the fun stuff, the latest edition of “She Said, He Said.” Yay! Hooray beer! Again, thank you to all who have been avid readers from day one and welcome to the newbies. Today’s topic is about co-habitation with your significant other. Since the beginning of time, one of the hardest things to do is to live with someone else. He’s one of five, comes from a big family and is used to sharing everything because he has lived with someone each and every year of his life while she’s an only child who is accustomed to having her own space and doing things her way, without the input of others. Yet, both of us have often had trouble allowing others into our respective personal spaces.  Sound familiar?  

As humans, no matter how loving, giving, caring, compassionate, selfless (or any other term you’d like to use for nice) we are, at some point or another we all want to be alone, focus on self and do things “my” way. Blame it on DNA, blame it on code red/Aunt Flo, blame it on the boogie, or whatever you decide to attribute it to-that is on you. But the fact of the matter is that alone time is a premium that everyone wants and needs; plus, living alone would make so many things so much easier. However, despite this clear and convincing evidence that everyone needs his or her own personal space, we still decide to cohabitate with the person we love. This is partly because society frowns upon married people living apart and partly because, if we’re being honest, the goodies are much easier to get when you share the same bed with your love interest. So, it appears that cohabitation is a necessary evil. Now that we know how we got here, we now have to figure out how to make this co-habitation experience work.  

As previously stated, the clear way to avoid the pain and agony that accompanies living with someone else is to get a decked out bachelor/bachelorette pad, a dog and just live alone. Great! Problem solved. However, if you’re married, engaged, homeless or just so in love with your mate that you’re willing to endure something that at times may feel like self-inflicted torture, here are a few suggestions that may help ease the pain. Rather than make a long numerical list, we decided to split this post into 2 parts so that we could narrow it down to a handful of points and expand on those. This week we’re covering points 1 and 2 and next week we’ll cover points 3-5.  

(1)   Don’t move into your significant other’s space; get a space together.

We’re all selfish, to some degree or another, and a lot of times (especially during arguments) one person will say something like “get you’re a** out of my bed and out of my house” or “don’t leave mouthwash residue in my sink.” Clearly, there is a feeling of personal invasion on the part of the person who originally possessed the space prior to his/her significant other’s arrival. The problem with this mindset is that when you move in with someone, most of what used to be yours now partly belongs to the other person (conceptually that is, not legally). So, in light of the fact that the couch, lamp or closet space has been yours and yours alone forever, by default, you use the pronoun “my” instead of “our” and completely offend your significant other. Not only do you piss him/her off, you also make him/her feel unwanted and that’s never a good thing. No person ever wants to feel as though he/she is unwanted, unwelcomed and infringing upon your space because that feeling sucks. Therefore, if you have been known to engage in this type of offensive behavior a time or five, don’t worry because this is a common mistake many couples make.  However, for future reference, in order to help you avoid this issue, once you’ve decided to move in with your partner you should find a place together. That way, neither party can claim the entire space as his/her own, neither party can make his/her significant other feel like a space invader and it surely prevents you from wondering how many girls/guys have played strip poker and done other inappropriate things with your mate in the living room.

(2)   Be an active participant in the decorating process

Once you’ve decided on a mutually agreed upon living space, you then have to decorate it. Guys, we know what you’re thinking “I don’t care what it looks like so long as it’s clean, comfortable and doesn’t look like the inside of a Martha Stewart catalog.” But trust us, you do care.” For most guys, living alone affords them a certain sense of freedom they can’t have with their partners. Let’s face it, most bachelor pads look exactly the same: leather couches, big flat screen TVs, movie posters, a wall full of DVDs that must include Scarface and The Godfather, and gaming systems that allow you to shoot and kill animated terrorists. However, the important items missing from this equation are a dining room table, coasters, a coffee table, real plates, bed skirts, wall art that doesn’t come from a gangster movie and other stuff that never crossed your mind because it doesn’t seem important. But, this is one of the reasons you need to cohabitate because, trust us, your female counterpart will notice, care and immediately begin redecorating the space in her head.  But, fellas listen closely: in order to avoid having your place look like something out of Home Goods or Crate & Barrel, participate in the decoration process. No one expects you to be the David Tutera (think Bill Belichick of weddings) of home décor, but if you want any piece of furniture you can actually put your feet on and don’t want anything that you stare at for hours wondering what the hell it is, then at the very least look in the catalogues and go to the store with her so that you can say “yay” or “nay” a couple of times when asked for your opinion. And guys, another key reason you should participate in the decoration process is because you will be sorely disappointed when you come home to a house full of décor you don’t like and a receipt that has you wondering how she could have possibly spent so much money…and on what? So, just get involved so everyone can agree on the look of “our place”. 

Now that we’ve figured out how to get to and through the first steps of co-habitation, we will next need to figure out how in the hell we make this “shacking up” thing work.  So, hopefully you’ve learned lots today, or at least enough to get you started and have you ready for next week’s part deux. Enjoy your weekend and see you next week!

The Privacy Act

“She/[He] don’t have to know.”

-John Legend “She Don’t Have to Know”

Season’s Greetings and welcome to another edition of “She Said, He Said”. For those of you who came to the blog last week looking for a new post and were disappointed not to find one, we would like to thank you for your addiction and hope you keep coming back. It was Thanksgiving week and while many of you were out of the office and enjoying quality time with family and friends, so were we. We hope you had a great holiday and a relaxing break because we certainly did. But, we’re back now and we promise never to leave you hanging again. Unless, of course, Jay Z and Beyonce call. But that’s understandable right?

Today’s topic ladies and gentlemen is privacy. What is it and does it, or even should it, exist within the construct of a monogamous relationship? We know it definitely exists when dealing with a “jump-off” because there are questions neither party gets to ask and neither party is obligated to answer by the very nature of the relationship! However, when it comes to monogamy, questions are raised. The concept of a monogamous relationship is that two people who care about each other choose and consent to date, sex and co-mingle with each other and ONLY each other. They share food, space and bodily fluids, but the question is should they share secrets. Here is where the writers of this blog differ. She says, “Absolutely” and he says, “(Hell) No.”

He Says

A wise man once said, “secrets don’t make friends.” Let’s be honest, that wasn’t a man who said that, it was a woman who wanted the password to her man’s cell phone. Guys always have and always will believe in keeping secrets. In turn, women always have and always will believe in NOT having secrets, except for when it comes to: girl talk; how much she spent shopping; and her significant other’s business. And herein lies the problem.

I don’t believe in a blanket prohibition on sharing secrets. Certainly, there are things that should be shared between partners. When it comes to health, home and family there shouldn’t be any secrets except when it is absolutely necessary. You shouldn’t keep secrets from your significant other about your diabetes, heart condition or that bump in your nether regions that you’re clearly concerned about. You shouldn’t hide from your partner the fact that there is a leak in the basement which ruined the Christmas ornaments and the man cave. And you certainly shouldn’t conceal the fact that your crazy Uncle Joe, the one whose favorite candy is booger sugar, asked if he could crash at your place for a few days (weeks) until he gets back on his feet. Certain things should be shared. However, I do not believe in mandatory disclosure for most topics outside of those mentioned above.

The fact of the matter is that before you decided to engage in this “monogamy experiment” you were your own person and if the relationship doesn’t work out, you’ll still be your own person. While you’re merging your life, space and finances with someone else, you can’t lose your individuality and sense of identity. For example, there are some things that your friends share with you that shouldn’t be shared with your partner. If you tell one too many stories about that “loose” friend, your partner will begin to question whether you’re birds of a feather. Tell too many secrets about your torrid past and your significant other may never look at you the same way again. Some things in the past should stay there and only be brought to the present in your head.

However, those are not the only kinds of secrets that arise in relationships. The other secrets people in relationships often keep are those things you know will hurt your partner but you have NO DESIRE to share, i.e., unsightly weight gain, a meal your significant other worked on all day that you wouldn’t feed to your pet or the fact that you really don’t like your partner’s mom. Should those things be shared when you know your partner will flip out like Carey (who is Carey? This is lost on me so it may be lost on others) or is it better to safeguard those secrets and keep them to yourself for the sake of peace? The best answer is to keep some things to yourself.

Not everything that goes on between you and your friends, at work, or even throughout the course of the day is fodder for conversation at the dinner table or on the couch with your significant other. Some jokes you share with friends over the phone won’t be funny to someone else, especially if it’s about the kid with the helmet you guys used to pick on, or the girl who you harassed because her shirt never quite covered her larger than normal mid section so it’s okay to keep this information to yourself.  

Is it a crime to hide these things? Is it a tragedy that you don’t share everything? I certainly don’t think so. Just because you share space, finances and may have merged your DNA doesn’t mean that you have to share everything. Share the important things: life, love, memories, and family but  keep the inside jokes, email passwords and location of secret C.I.A. missions close to the vest.  

She Says

“Lies and secrets, they are like a cancer in the soul. They eat away what is good and leave only destruction behind.”

-Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince

Here’s the thing about secrets and relationships for me: I’m not really concerned about the little secrets that were referenced above because 99% of the time, people don’t care about what their significant other and his/her best friend talked about last night or last week.  Most people don’t even really want to know EVERY little detail about their significant other’s past because it may start to taint the way they look at you, feel about you, think about you, judge you and trust you which is detrimental to your relationship.

So yes, I agree with him that secrets will always be kept in relationships. For instance, if you buy your significant other a Christmas gift in February, you will have to keep it a secret until December 25^th. If your best friend tells you something and asks you not to tell anyone, you need to keep that secret because your best friend was likely there long before your significant other and will likely be there long after your significant other, if your relationship might don’t make it. So while secrets are a natural part of life, not all secrets are good secrets to have when you’re in a relationship. More specifically, I’m talking about bad secrets, the ones that can often break a relationship; those secrets that cripple the foundation of relationships, destroy couples and debilitate a relationship that could otherwise be amazing.

Let’s take a step back and revisit the concept of cheating for a brief moment. As we discussed in Cheating: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (http://driveme2drink.blogspot.com/2012/11/cheating-good-bad-and-ugly.html), cheating is not just a physical act, it can also be an emotional act and this is where having secrets in relationships gets ugly.  Let’s look at a few examples:

1)    A man in a monogamous relationship is constantly texting some other chick who is his “friend” at all hours of the night. However, the texts are flirty and would be wholly offensive to his girl. There are sexual innuendos, pictures, and terms of endearment being tossed around, but he continues to tell his girl the other chick is just a friend. She knows her man talks to this friend fairly regularly and she’s cool with it, but she has no idea that they’re having these types of conversation because he keeps those major details a secret.  Herein lies the problem. Aside from the fact that something like this should NEVER happen because it is wrong on so many levels, his secrets are negatively impacting his relationship, whether he knows it or not. While he thinks it’s not that serious because nothing is ever going to happen between them, she knows how much he loves his girl and she knows they are just friends, he is diverting attention away from his relationship and investing it somewhere else, and one may think he is also engaging in emotional infidelity. Plus, I’m pretty sure his girl would be fire hot if she knew her man was carrying on these types of conversations with old girl, and that is why he keeps it a secret. Yet, if it wasn’t that serious, why didn’t he tell his girl about the nature of these conversations with his friend?   Because he knows that his behavior is not okay. So, he has to keep it a secret because it might get him left, cut, or running from flying plates. Good secret? I think not.

2)    A dude has asked his girl to stop talking to her ex because he doesn’t trust that dude. He thinks the guy is still trying to get at her, he’s not feeling how he treated her during their relationship and he feels disrespected by that relationship. Yet, she continues to talk to the ex via gchat, text message, and email on occasion. She may even see him every so often-nothing remotely romantic or inappropriate-but that’s her friend and they are cool. Well, one day, they run into each other on the street and are just talking about life, work, his new relationship, etc. for like 20 minutes-nothing major. She gets home from work, her man asks about her day, and she tells him about the entire day EXCEPT for the random run-in with her ex. She chooses to omit that part of her day and keep her encounter a secret. Even though nothing happened and nothing went down, she has a secret because she did something that she knew was problematic. Good secret? I don’t think so. Yes, this may be one of those secrets he referenced earlier (the kind you keep to avoid hurting your significant other in an effort to keep the peace), but why engage in behavior that you have to keep a secret especially when you know your significant other’s position/feelings/emotions on that issue? As I said, secrets can do major damage to your relationship and, the way I see it, it’s easier to just tell the truth and face the consequences up front instead of getting caught later on. No matter how tightly secrets are kept, some always come to light and when your significant other finds out that you lied/omitted information/or kept a secret of this magnitude, trust, faith and your relationship may be down the drain…and for what?

I could go on and on with examples illustrating the detrimental effects of keeping secrets in relationships; however, my point is that secrets, in and of themselves, are not the problem. The types of secrets people keep are the problem. Secrets will always exist, but if you feel you have to lie or omit information just to kick it, the secret you possess probably isn’t a good secret. In a relationship, you should be able to be open and honest with your significant other about all things-be they good or bad-no matter what the other person’s response may be, that’s called maturity. I recognize that sometimes omissions may occur to keep the peace, but the real question one should ask when deciding whether to keep a secret is: If my partner ever finds out about this secret, what will it do to our relationship? Will he/she leave me? Will he/she stop trusting me? Will he/she believe that I have deceived/hurt/disrespected him/her? Will he/she even care? If you have any semblance of care and concern for your significant other and your relationship, the answers to these questions will clearly guide you on what to do about disclosing information to your boo. Bottom line as I see it, those secrets that could negatively impact or affect the nature of your relationship and all the important components of monogamy such as trust, honest, respect and loyalty have no place in your relationship. In my opinion, if you keep secrets that you know will cause hurt and pain to your partner, either you shouldn’t have those secrets or maybe you don’t need to be in a relationship. Just a thought.

It is clear that we have differing opinions on the topic of privacy in relationships. He says: secrets are ok in limited situations and she says: there are very few instances in which secrets are okay.  We said it from the beginning and have echoed this time and time again, we won’t always agree, which is the beauty of this blog. Men and women often see things differently and we strive to share those views and maybe save a relationship or 2 in the process. 

CHEATING: THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY

As we were thinking about the topic for this week’s blog, it occurred to us that the entire world seems to be completely engrossed in and enamored with this General Petraeus “cheating scandal”; so much so that it has monopolized the top time slots for every single news outlet everyday this week. As we discussed this situation and questioned why the world feels they deserve to have any insight into this family’s personal business and whether or not Petraeus’ wayward male parts have negatively affected his ability to do his job, it got us to thinking that maybe this week’s topic should be about cheating. As we said when we first started this blog, we try to deliver the male and female perspectives, which means we certainly will not always agree. This may be one of those days. So, we decided to do a true she said, he said layout about cheating. Here goes nothing.

HE SAYS

If you’ve ever been in a monogamous relationship, have a pulse and haven’t done a stint at Guantanamo Bay, chances are you’ve either cheated, been cheated on or both. As a person with male parts I’ve been asked time and time again, “Why do men cheat?” And my answer each and every time is that “It’s complicated.” Contrary to popular belief, and the Declaration of Independence, all men are not created equal. Sure, we have biological similarities and most of us maintain membership in the “He Man Woman Haters Club” but aside from that we’re vastly different. Take, for example, the fact that I have 3 brothers. We share similar skin complexions, facial features and mannerisms which are largely attributed to the fact that we share DNA and were raised together. However, outside of that, we are as different as RGIII’s socks and people who know all of us will attest to that fact. We think differently, we behave differently, and we operate differently based upon our own thoughts, beliefs and reasoning.

I, personally, am a firm believer in the idea that everything happens for a reason, whether we understand that reason or whether it’s a good one is beside the point, but there is a reason. And that reason differs from hombre to hombre. While all men are different, just like women, we can be grouped generally. Now, there always have been and always will be outliers and exceptions to the rules. Most people can’t run the 40 yard dash in less than 4.4 seconds but then you have Michael Vick, Devin Hester and Usain Bolt who are exceptions to that rule. So, before I get started, I don’t want you world class speed negroes complaining about how you’re better or different than everybody else; that’s already been addressed. With that said, allow me to speak on a few generalities for a minute:

I believe that men cheat for three principal reasons:

1. Impulse
2. In Search of the Missing Link-The 80/20 Rule
3. In Response to Pain and Hurt

Now let me explain, in greater detail, what I mean.

1. Impulse

Men are impulsive creatures and this goes back to the age of the Flintstones. You saw something you wanted to eat, you clubbed it, speared it, or shot it with an arrow, killed it and ate it. The same thing applied when it came to dealing with the fairer sex. Men would pick a woman, grab a woman and have their way with her. As archaic and barbaric as it may sound, we’re only 150 years removed (perhaps less) from the time when that type of behavior was acceptable (think slavery). 

Some argue that it’s natural instinct for men to act on their impulses and I agree. However, I do not condone, support or encourage impulsive behavior, unless it’s taking shots on your birthday. Then it’s not an option, it’s an obligation. Seriously speaking, the argument “I just couldn’t help it” just doesn’t work. If everyone acted on impulse, society would be no different than the Serengeti and we would be no better than animals roaming the wild. Animals act on impulse. They get hungry, they kill and they eat. They get a rise in their nature, they find a female and they get their rocks off. Fellas, are you really trying to tell me we’re no better than a wildebeest? Are you saying that you don’t have more brain and will power than a simian that eats and throws its own feces? If you are, clearly I’m the outlier in this equation, but you tell me.

2. In Search of the Missing Link-The 80/20 Rule

The second reason men cheat is to find what they don’t have at home. One of the things I loathe most are posts, tweets, and status updates about someone’s mate being perfect. Unless you’re married to Jesus, that simply isn’t the truth. Now, what you may have found is the person who is perfect for you as they accept you for you, flaws, dirty drawls and all. But I assure you, you have not found the perfect person. If that were true, half of all marriages wouldn’t end in divorce. If it were true, all of those people getting divorced/separated would be leaving the perfect person, which would make them retarded or just dead wrong; you choose.

Once you’ve come to the realization that the person you’ve met isn’t perfect and is lacking something you believe to be important, but may not necessarily be, essential, many go in search of that missing link, the 20%. Herein lies the problem. We’ve already established that perfection in human form doesn’t exist. So your quest is futile. You won’t find the exception to the rule, you’ll only find the missing 20%. Then you’re forced to deal with not one but two women, which may initially seem fun and exciting; however, once you really get into it, you’ll find out that it isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. Just think about it. All of the things that we complain about women in our meetings would be doubled or tripled and that’s not what you want. Think on that.

3. In Response to Pain/Hurt

The third reason why men cheat is because we’ve been hurt. I hate to say it and I hope that saying this doesn’t jeopardize my club membership, but men are some of the softest creatures in the world. Most women wear their emotions outwardly and proudly carry and display them like they would a Gucci bag, which is part of the problem we have in dealing with you unstable creatures (but that’s another post). Men, on the other hand are hurt by someone, take that hurt in, put it in a trash bag, burn it, place it in a safe and then throw away the key. The problem with this is that so long as the hurt remains inside, it is a hindrance and since we’ve thrown away the key, the only way to truly do away with the pain is to hire an explosives/demolition team, which in this metaphor would be a tragic/catastrophic event. And who the hell has the time, money, or intestinal fortitude for that? Nobody!

As men, we cheat because we’ve been cheated on and never want to be caught slipping again. We cheat because we gave our heart to a woman before and refuse to give another slimy (insert expletive) another chance to hurt us. We cheat because we haven’t healed yet and are still carrying around the pain and anguish from our previous relationship(s) into our subsequent relationship(s) thereby dooming them from the start. No matter how expensive the luggage may be that we carry our baggage in, it’s still heavy and problematic and no amount of baggage fees will convince someone to carry it for you

In order to address the act of infidelity, I believe it is critical that we examine the reason behind why a man cheats because that may help prevent future occurrences and get to the heart of the problem. Is it because he’s Tiger Woods and needs to be sent to sex therapy? Or, does he need to be subjected to a viewing of “Why Did I Get Married” to fully understand the application of the 80/20 rule? Or, should he take some time out to heal old wounds before getting back into the game? Figure out the why and the act may never happen again.

SHE SAYS

Personally, I think cheating is bulls*it and something that can be avoided, even though I have been guilty of cheating once or twice in my past life. However, my past indiscretions don’t negate my feelings on cheating and the fact that it’s bulls*it. Cheating is the epitome of selfishness. While most people only think of cheating as physical acts such as sex and forms of foreplay, cheating can also occur on an emotional level, which may be worse than physical cheating in some ways. If you’re confused, let me explain. Emotional cheating occurs when people go outside of their relationship to talk and fill the touchy-feely void that their partner isn’t fulfilling. Emotional cheating often leads to physical cheating because the constant talking, sharing, and expenditure of emotional energy creates some weird synergy between two people that is based on feelings, emotions, and some level of emotional and mental intimacy; it’s deeper than sex, it’s deeper than physical interaction and it is detrimental to all relationships because that’s the person your man/woman often leaves you for, so beware. But, also be alert because if you do decide to leave your man/woman for that other person, they could be your 20% and then what…was it really worth it?

The million dollar question is why do people cheat? Well, from my experience of being on both ends of the cheating spectrum, people cheat primarily because they want to, they think they can, and somewhere in their minds, they believe that it is acceptable behavior, but it’s not. When you decide to update your Facebook status from “Single” to “In a relationship”, you have changed the game. Presumably, you’re in a relationship with someone who you like enough, at least for the moment, to want to be in a “monogamous” relationship with; therefore, the expectation is that you are dating, emotionally engaged with, and sexing only that one person, isn’t that why you got into the relationship in the first place? If not, why not just make him/her a jumpoff??? Whatever your reason, you decided to become boyfriend/girlfriend with this person and along with that title comes a number of expectations. Yet, it is clear in a number of relationships that a title (boyfriend/girlfriend, fiancé, husband, and wife) is just that--a title and has very little bearing on the way we act and behave in relationships and that my friends, is a hot and spicy mess.

Contrary to the popular espousing of all cheaters, cheating is never an accident. A cheater has never cheated and said “whoops, I was just sitting on the couch twiddling my thumbs, with no intention of engaging in sex, and somehow my clothes fell off and I magically became naked. Then, wouldn’t ya know, [insert name] somehow appeared on top of/underneath/in front of/behind me and took advantage of me” because if they did, that would not be cheating, it would be rape.  Cheating is an active choice that a person makes, just like choosing to wake up in the morning and go to work, choosing to eat chicken versus steak for dinner, and choosing to watch The Wire over Sex and the City. Every time a person cheats, he/she makes a decision to do their partner dirty. Point. Blank. Period. There is never a reason or excuse that justifies cheating behavior, yet we hear them (and make them) all the time. Some of my personal favorites are:

•       She didn’t support my dreams and the other chick was there to talk to and was always so supportive.
•             I love my man but he doesn’t know how to put it down and old boy puts in that work.
•            Once we got married, she stopped doing the things that attracted me to her and there are a hundred women throwing themselves at me so it was just too easy.
•       He’s always out with his boys and leaves me at home so I had to figure out how to occupy my time.
•       My all time favorite- my wife and kids are taken care of and don’t ever want for anything, I’m not leaving them, but I just can’t help it—I like sex. 

Again, none of these are valid reasons for a person to cheat on their significant other or spouse. If a person is unhappy there are 2 options: communicate and work through it or leave. Cheating is clearly not one of those options so we should stop doing it.  If you are a cheater, you should definitely reconsider your actions because it’s not fair to your partner, assuming he/she is monogamous, it’s not fair to your children, and it’s really not fair to your relationship. So again, just don’t do it.

The other thing about cheating is that it’s so one sided. Usually, one party is cheating and getting their rocks off while the other party is monogamous and sitting at home playing the role of good significant other.  As far as I’m concerned, if you feel you have to cheat, let’s all just cheat. Let me have just as much fun and excitement as you have on a daily basis-it only seems fair.  If we do that, let’s just have an open relationship and everybody can get it in…I’m just saying.

Again, we aren’t experts; we are merely providing our opinions based on past experiences. However, we will leave you with a few words from the Good Book. Thou shall not commit adultery and thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife or anything that is thy neighbor’s.  We just want ya’ll to get to heaven!

Can You Stand the Rain?

“On a perfect day, I know that I can count on you. When that’s not possible, tell me can you weather the storm? Cause I need somebody who will stand by me. Through the good times and bad times, she will always, always be right there.

Sunny days, everybody loves them. Tell me baby, can you stand the rain? Storms will come, this we know for sure. But can you stand the rain?

Love unconditional, I’m not asking just of you.  And girl to make it last, I’ll do whatever needs to be done. But I need somebody who will stand by me, when it’s tough she won’t run; she will always be right there for me….Cause I want you and I need you and I love you baby…tell me baby-will you be there for me?”

~“Can You Stand the Rain” by New Edition

Happy Friday! We’d like to first start by sending our thoughts and prayers out to all of those suffering from and affected by the devastating effects of the recent mega-storm Hurricane Sandy. Keep your heads up, know that we are praying for you, and know that it will get better.

Today’s topic was clearly inspired by the soulful melodies of New Edition.  For those of us fortunate enough to have been around during the great musical era of Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky, Mike, Ralph T and Johnny G, we’re sure this song brings back great memories of good music and good times in the 80’s. For the young’uns who have no idea who these people are…we’re sorry. You guys really missed out on some good stuff.  Now that we’ve taken a brief trip down memory lane, let’s get down to the business of standing the rain.

New Edition asked it best when they said “all the days won’t be perfect, but tell me can you stand the rain?” We ALL know that relationships are hard work. ALL relationships are hard work; whether it’s the one with your best friend, your parents or your significant other. Part of the reason why relationships are such hard work is because you are dealing with the personalities (yes, multiple) of another person in situations you don’t have sole control over. And if time has proven nothing else, it has certainly shown us that things can and will always go wrong and/or be problematic when we can’t completely control a situation.  Welcome to the world of relationships.  So, take it as a foregone conclusion that relationships are tough, that all days won’t be sunny and that more often than not, you will think about quitting your significant other, giving up on the relationship, walking away, cheating, and/or being alone because “I don’t need this sh*t” and “I can do bad all by my da*n self.” However, just because you can doesn’t mean that you should.   

As we said, this relationship thing can be the toughest, most difficult thing task you will ever undertake for so many reasons: (1) you have to manage the personalities of your partner and concern yourself with the words, deeds, thoughts, actions and feelings of that other person; (2) you have to manage your own personalities; (3) you have to manage both your own and your partner’s expectations; (4) you have to step outside of your own personal comfort zone of likes and dislikes (the one you’ve had your entire life) and enter into some fuzzy space that merges/incorporates your partner’s likes and dislikes; and (5) you may have to hang around and be nice to people you’re not that fond of because they are your partner’s close friends. While this is not an all-inclusive list, clearly these 5 things are 5 of the more important relationship components. Yet, if you love your partner/significant other and want your relationship to have a fighting chance, these are things you must do 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.  Or, you can just take the easy way out and quit.

Quitting is definitely the easiest approach. For instance, why not quit when you come home after a long day at work and you’re upset with your girl, again, for having been home all day but for deciding not to go grocery shopping and for leaving you starving with no food to cook and/or eat? Or, why not go back to being single when your man  decides (for the sixth weekend in a row) that he wants to spend the entire weekend in the house watching sports and doesn’t want to go anywhere with you during any of the 48 hours contained in the weekend?  And, isn’t it easier to get rid of him when he never cooks or cleans, and then has the audacity to always leave the toilet seat up so that you fall into the toilet each and every time you use the restroom? Absolutely, put ’em out!  That will solve all of your problems!  While this is true, it creates a new set of problems you probably weren’t considering in your anger.

For instance, while you won’t have to clean up after two people, you will come home to an empty house with no post-work banter, no one to eat dinner with and no one to even ask the simple things like “how was your day?”  And while you don’t have to listen to someone moan and groan about what you did or didn’t do properly, you also won’t have anyone to cuddle with at night, engage in random bouts of freaky stuff at 3:35am on a workday with, or just sit with on the couch while watching a Redbox movie and drinking a glass of wine.  We are definitely not saying that you should stay in a relationship you aren’t happy in and/or don’t want to be in, but you definitely should not give up on your partner and/or your relationship because of rainy days and the storms that will surely come.

Storms in relationships are inevitable. Sometimes the storm could be a passing shower, other times it could be a Nor’easter. It could swoop in like a tropical storm or come barreling in as a hurricane, but trust and believe that the storms and the rainy days are coming. For some couples the storms may come once every 7-10 days and for other couples they may come every 3-6 months, but they will always appear. Instead of giving up, readjust to how you handle the storm because it is in these moments that you not only see what you’re made of individually, but also how committed you are to your partner and your relationship.  If you believe in the relationship and the person that you’re with, step out of your comfort zone during storms so you can weather them. Here are a few examples to illustrate what we mean:

If you are argumentative: step back, don’t say a word and give yourself a minute to breathe and process information before responding; if you do this, the storm will end much faster and much differently than your storms in the past. 

If you shut down and tune out your partner because you think he/she has been talking 10 minutes too long: try changing your body language and/or do something to show that you really are listening and not just sitting there waiting for your partner to shut up so you can go back to watching tv. If you do this, the storm may end differently. 

If she gets emotional during arguments and begins to cry: even if you don’t understand why she’s crying, reach out to her and pull her in for a hug. It doesn’t completely resolve the situation, but at least she knows you care and the storm ends differently.

Again, these are just a few examples, but you get our drift. In order to have a different storm outcome, you have got to do something different.  Giving up is not the answer, fighting harder is. Push through, stay the course and stand the rain!

The Jump-Off Commandments

“Jump-off, jump-off the girl [guy] is a jump-off!”

-Lil Wayne “It’s Me Snitches (Remix)”

Happy Friday! First, we’d like to thank everyone who took the time to read our first blog post here on She Said, He Said. The support was overwhelming and we definitely feel the love. Now, here comes the hard part: keeping you informed, entertained and coming back for more. So, in an effort to accomplish those goals, we have decided to sprinkle today’s post with Krispy Kreme crumbs. Well here goes nothing. Today’s topic is: “The Jump-off.”

What is a “jump-off” you say? Well, we’re glad you asked. Urbandictionary.com defines a jump-off as “a casual sexual partner.” Now, before you never misbehaving, no sex having, perfect people turn away, give us a minute (and keep reading). If we all are brutally honest with ourselves, we all have been, dealt with or know someone who has been a jump-off. Tell the truth and shame the devil (Amen, Amen).

The million dollar question for today is, is there really something wrong with jump-off’s? The answer is no. Just like grass, the gazelle and the lion, who all have their role and place in the circle in life, so does the jump off. So long as neither party involved is married, involved or an extraterrestrial creature, we believe it’s ok to have and/or be a jump off. In the words of a famous singer, “I don’t see nothing wrong….”  I mean honestly, what’s so wrong about messing with a woman you only have to see after dark or dealing with a man who never expects you to cook, clean or listen to his bullsh*t? Absolutely nothing and herein lies the beauty of “The Jump-off.”

We’d be remiss if we didn’t admit that jump-off’s have gotten a bad rap. They have been ostracized, criticized and demonized about as bad as Royce from Basketball Wives. They’ve been talked about, lied on and mistreated like a poor man at a Romney fundraiser. But, just as Dru Hill asked about the stranger in their bed, we wondered “Why?”  And we have deduced that the bad rap exists because there are no rules, at least none that are universally followed.

In this country we live in called America, there are rules. There are rules for Monopoly, football and calling out sick, just as there are rules for Mario Brothers, MMA and school. Without rules there would be chaos and it would be impossible to beat your oldest sibling in board games and difficult to get questions answered in elementary school. So, clearly, everything needs rules. In order to improve jump-off relations, we’ve decided to give you a set of rules entitled the 8 Jump-Off Commandments.

The 8 Jump-off Commandments:

1.    Thou shall decide in the beginning what it is and what is isn’t.

Everyone has the prerogative to change their mind about what they want to wear to work, what shows to watch and which shows to DVR, and what to eat for dinner. Unfortunately, you do not have the right to change your mind about whether a person is/is not a jump-off. Turning an ex or a friend into a jump-off or vice versa is a no-no because it blurs the lines. And as we will tell you time and time again, in order for the jump-off situation to work, there must be clear lines.

             

2.  Thou shall not get attached.

The relationship with a jump-off is temporary, meaning it’s supposed to last about as long as a Tic Tac or a piece of Juicy Fruit. When either party gets connected you have ceased to have jump-off relations and you now have a boyfriend/girlfriend. If this is NOT what you want, don’t get attached. And if you feel yourself getting attached, in the words of Andre 3000: “don’t do it, reconsider” (“International Player’s Anthem”).

3.    Thou shall treat your jump-off with respect.

Just because you’re casually having sex with someone doesn’t mean you have to be a douche about it. Treat others how you want to be treated. Jump-off’s included.

4.    Thou shall not turn your jump-off into a house wive/house husband.

Once a jump-off, always a jump-off; that is the motto, at least in the eyes of the person the jump-off was jumping around with. You cannot, should not and we hope to God will not attempt to alter this relationship. Just remember that forever is a long time….

5.   Thou shall not lie to your jump-off.

Call a spade a spade and a jump-off a jump-off. The minute you start lying is the minute spades gets confusing, somebody gets shot and jump-off relations enter into some weird gray area.  The jump off world is very black and white-either it is or it ain’t; we don’t do gray around these here parts. If/when the jump-off is ready to move on and you aren’t, don’t keep them around. Let them go and keep it moving.

  

6.    Thou shall not date your jump-off.

Don’t rock out with your jump-off, don’t watch movies with your jump-off and don’t have dinner with your jump-off. Doing any of these things could be misinterpreted as dating and dating a jump-off is forbidden. Thou shall ONLY engage in relations and relations-related activities with your jump-off.  The word is jump-off for a reason: you are to jump on, jump off and go home.  Don’t get caught up in wanting to spend the night and spend extra, unnecessary time with said jump off because that is when feelings get involved, signals get switched and we enter that ugly gray zone. If you want to rock out, watch movies and have dinner, do it with somebody, anybody other than the jump off.

7.    Thou shall not have a jump-off if you have a girlfriend/boyfriend, significant other or anybody who may perceive that he/she is your significant other.

While this sounds obvious, it is probably the most broken jump-off commandment in the history of jump-offdom.  You may not, shall not, and cannot secure a jump off when you are in some sort of monogamous situation. It is hurtful, it is dangerous and it’s just wrong. We’d hate for your significant other to pull a Jazmine Sullivan and “bust the windows out your car.” If you want a jump-off become single and hit the block, but don’t try to have your cake and eat it too.

8.    Thou shall neva, eva, eva, eva, eva get knocked up by the jump-off or allow the jump-off to knock you up.

This can’t happen, ever in life. As previously mentioned, a jump-off is a jump-off for a reason. They are in your life for a reason and a season, but they are NOT meant to be in your life for a lifetime. A baby equals a lifetime of being stuck to this jump-off forever, and that is not what you want. So, in all of your jump-off endeavors, please wrap it up and keep it tight. Safety is the first priority, but avoiding jump-off pregnancies is a close second. Just ask yourself, “how would I explain this to my jump-off offspring?”

Now that we have imparted our infinite wisdom, you must know that the information contained in the 8 Jump-Off Commandments can be beneficial for any-and-everybody. Jump-offs come in all shapes, sizes and ages so feel free to share.  For instance, your 52 year-old divorcee neighbor who has sworn off marriage but feels that she needs some TLC every now and then may thank you for sharing this knowledge. Or, your 22 year old cousin who recently had his heart broken by his high school sweetheart of 6 years may regain his swag and love you forever for sharing this knowledge.  Finally, you just might use it because baby it’s cold outside and you’re not looking for love, and we just saved you from making a huge jump-off mistake…you’re welcome (smile). So, in closing, if you’re going to engage in Jump-Off relations please be mature and responsible. Now, as always, feel free to do what you will with this information and we will see you again next Friday!

Men Speak in Blue-Women Speak in Pink

“Men speak in blue and women speak in pink.”~Lauryn C. Williams

Happy Friday and cheers to the freakin’ weekend! Welcome to the “She Say, He Say” experience.  As you very well may know, opinions on relationships are like germs: you know everyone has 'em, but you'd prefer that they keep those opinions to themselves. Part of the problem with relationship advice is that often times it comes from an unreliable source. For instance, either the advice-giver has been married (and divorced) multiple times or is single and hasn’t been on a date in years. Or, the advice comes from the view of one-sex which, unless you’re in a same-sex relationship, may not be all that helpful. If you’re a woman, taking advice from another woman about dealing with men is like taking advice from Mitt Romney on how to deal with poor people. Not advisable. We feel like the best relationship advice provides insight from both perspectives because it’s only together that a reasonable and rational conclusion may be reached; so, here we are.

Now, let us make it abundantly clear that these are our thoughts based on our years of experience with family, friends and our personal love affairs. We aren’t being compensated for this, and we definitely haven’t researched this stuff, so you take this information at your own peril and feel free to do what you please with our germs...we mean advice.  Enjoy!

Once we decided to write this blog, we then had to decide what to write about. He immediately thought we should talk sex, lies and videotapes and she immediately thought we should do something a little less graphic. Although, we will probably talk sex, lies and videotapes sometime in the near future because it’s provocative.  After much thought and discussion, we thought it might be a good idea to start with communication. The idea for this post came from a statement made over brunch by one of her best friends. The statement was that “Men speak in blue and women speak in pink,” which usually leads to a communication disconnect which results in a clusterf**k of emotions and gives both parties a headache and an attitude.

Communication, or lack thereof, can quite possibly be the root of all evil in relationships.  Failure to communicate can result in unhappiness, divorce, silence and even cheating—none of which is good in a relationship.  However, in all conversations about love, life, and relationships, the universal issue that plagues all couples, jump offs, homies, lovers and friends is the communication issue.  Sometimes it’s failure to communicate, other times its inability to communicate, and then at other times, it can simply be inability to hear and/or process what is being communicated.  In other words, maybe you just aren’t hearing the words that are coming out of the other person’s mouth.

Let’s look at a few examples:

1)  She says: “Babe, can you please wash the dishes?”  He hears: “It doesn’t matter when/how it gets done, so long as it gets done.”

(2)  She says: “I think we should spend more time together?”  He hears: “She wants to dominate my free time and keep me away from my friends.”

(3)  He says: “Why does it take you so long to get dressed?” She hears: “I want you to hurry up because I don’t feel like waiting for you. The longer you take, the longer it will be until I can get back to watching tv and playing Call of Duty.

(4)  He says: “Why do you shop so much?” She hears: This man is always trying to control how I spend my money. He can buy the new pair of Lebrons, but he has to make a comment when I go to DSW and buy a few new pairs of shoes?!?  

In these examples, it is absolutely clear that the words being communicated are translated and heard in a totally different way by the listener.  So, while words are being communicated, there is a glitch in the processing and transmission, which leads to a whole other set of relationship problems.

So, what to do?  While it’s not a fool-proof plan to solving all relationship woes, one of the best things to do is to be an active listener.  This means that during a conversation, men have to put down the PS3 controller and the remote and women need to pause Basketball Wives and minimize the online shopping site to give their significant other their full, undivided attention.  You then need to listen to the words coming out of the other person’s mouth—don’t create some negative reply, don’t think about what he/she didn’t do last week, and don’t cop an immediate attitude-just hear him/her out.  Finally, you need to step outside your personal box and start trying to process information like your significant other would. 

The easiest way to avoid and resolve conflicts is to understand where the other person is coming from, which is difficult when the sexes normally see an identical situation differently. To alleviate this problem, take the time to think in another color. “What does she think when I say this?” or “What does he mean when he says this?” Just because what you say or think makes sense to you, doesn’t mean it makes sense to your partner. Communication is about getting your view across to the other person. If they don’t understand the message you’re trying to convey then we have a breakdown in communication which will lead to subsequent problems. Everyone wants to be heard and understood. Reach your partner where they are and not where you think they should be.  And then, give them an opportunity to get to where you think they should be; but help them get there. Convey the message in a way they’ll understand so that you’re both on the same page. When women start thinking in blue and men start thinking in pink, it will make communication that much easier. We promise it won’t make you too rough or any less of a man; in fact, your significant other will probably love you more and make it worth your while (hint, hint). Nobody said this would be easy, but it’s definitely a start.  Good luck!