The Jump-Off Commandments

“Jump-off, jump-off the girl [guy] is a jump-off!”

-Lil Wayne “It’s Me Snitches (Remix)”

Happy Friday! First, we’d like to thank everyone who took the time to read our first blog post here on She Said, He Said. The support was overwhelming and we definitely feel the love. Now, here comes the hard part: keeping you informed, entertained and coming back for more. So, in an effort to accomplish those goals, we have decided to sprinkle today’s post with Krispy Kreme crumbs. Well here goes nothing. Today’s topic is: “The Jump-off.”

What is a “jump-off” you say? Well, we’re glad you asked. Urbandictionary.com defines a jump-off as “a casual sexual partner.” Now, before you never misbehaving, no sex having, perfect people turn away, give us a minute (and keep reading). If we all are brutally honest with ourselves, we all have been, dealt with or know someone who has been a jump-off. Tell the truth and shame the devil (Amen, Amen).

The million dollar question for today is, is there really something wrong with jump-off’s? The answer is no. Just like grass, the gazelle and the lion, who all have their role and place in the circle in life, so does the jump off. So long as neither party involved is married, involved or an extraterrestrial creature, we believe it’s ok to have and/or be a jump off. In the words of a famous singer, “I don’t see nothing wrong….”  I mean honestly, what’s so wrong about messing with a woman you only have to see after dark or dealing with a man who never expects you to cook, clean or listen to his bullsh*t? Absolutely nothing and herein lies the beauty of “The Jump-off.”

We’d be remiss if we didn’t admit that jump-off’s have gotten a bad rap. They have been ostracized, criticized and demonized about as bad as Royce from Basketball Wives. They’ve been talked about, lied on and mistreated like a poor man at a Romney fundraiser. But, just as Dru Hill asked about the stranger in their bed, we wondered “Why?”  And we have deduced that the bad rap exists because there are no rules, at least none that are universally followed.

In this country we live in called America, there are rules. There are rules for Monopoly, football and calling out sick, just as there are rules for Mario Brothers, MMA and school. Without rules there would be chaos and it would be impossible to beat your oldest sibling in board games and difficult to get questions answered in elementary school. So, clearly, everything needs rules. In order to improve jump-off relations, we’ve decided to give you a set of rules entitled the 8 Jump-Off Commandments.

The 8 Jump-off Commandments:

1.    Thou shall decide in the beginning what it is and what is isn’t.

Everyone has the prerogative to change their mind about what they want to wear to work, what shows to watch and which shows to DVR, and what to eat for dinner. Unfortunately, you do not have the right to change your mind about whether a person is/is not a jump-off. Turning an ex or a friend into a jump-off or vice versa is a no-no because it blurs the lines. And as we will tell you time and time again, in order for the jump-off situation to work, there must be clear lines.

             

2.  Thou shall not get attached.

The relationship with a jump-off is temporary, meaning it’s supposed to last about as long as a Tic Tac or a piece of Juicy Fruit. When either party gets connected you have ceased to have jump-off relations and you now have a boyfriend/girlfriend. If this is NOT what you want, don’t get attached. And if you feel yourself getting attached, in the words of Andre 3000: “don’t do it, reconsider” (“International Player’s Anthem”).

3.    Thou shall treat your jump-off with respect.

Just because you’re casually having sex with someone doesn’t mean you have to be a douche about it. Treat others how you want to be treated. Jump-off’s included.

4.    Thou shall not turn your jump-off into a house wive/house husband.

Once a jump-off, always a jump-off; that is the motto, at least in the eyes of the person the jump-off was jumping around with. You cannot, should not and we hope to God will not attempt to alter this relationship. Just remember that forever is a long time….

5.   Thou shall not lie to your jump-off.

Call a spade a spade and a jump-off a jump-off. The minute you start lying is the minute spades gets confusing, somebody gets shot and jump-off relations enter into some weird gray area.  The jump off world is very black and white-either it is or it ain’t; we don’t do gray around these here parts. If/when the jump-off is ready to move on and you aren’t, don’t keep them around. Let them go and keep it moving.

  

6.    Thou shall not date your jump-off.

Don’t rock out with your jump-off, don’t watch movies with your jump-off and don’t have dinner with your jump-off. Doing any of these things could be misinterpreted as dating and dating a jump-off is forbidden. Thou shall ONLY engage in relations and relations-related activities with your jump-off.  The word is jump-off for a reason: you are to jump on, jump off and go home.  Don’t get caught up in wanting to spend the night and spend extra, unnecessary time with said jump off because that is when feelings get involved, signals get switched and we enter that ugly gray zone. If you want to rock out, watch movies and have dinner, do it with somebody, anybody other than the jump off.

7.    Thou shall not have a jump-off if you have a girlfriend/boyfriend, significant other or anybody who may perceive that he/she is your significant other.

While this sounds obvious, it is probably the most broken jump-off commandment in the history of jump-offdom.  You may not, shall not, and cannot secure a jump off when you are in some sort of monogamous situation. It is hurtful, it is dangerous and it’s just wrong. We’d hate for your significant other to pull a Jazmine Sullivan and “bust the windows out your car.” If you want a jump-off become single and hit the block, but don’t try to have your cake and eat it too.

8.    Thou shall neva, eva, eva, eva, eva get knocked up by the jump-off or allow the jump-off to knock you up.

This can’t happen, ever in life. As previously mentioned, a jump-off is a jump-off for a reason. They are in your life for a reason and a season, but they are NOT meant to be in your life for a lifetime. A baby equals a lifetime of being stuck to this jump-off forever, and that is not what you want. So, in all of your jump-off endeavors, please wrap it up and keep it tight. Safety is the first priority, but avoiding jump-off pregnancies is a close second. Just ask yourself, “how would I explain this to my jump-off offspring?”

Now that we have imparted our infinite wisdom, you must know that the information contained in the 8 Jump-Off Commandments can be beneficial for any-and-everybody. Jump-offs come in all shapes, sizes and ages so feel free to share.  For instance, your 52 year-old divorcee neighbor who has sworn off marriage but feels that she needs some TLC every now and then may thank you for sharing this knowledge. Or, your 22 year old cousin who recently had his heart broken by his high school sweetheart of 6 years may regain his swag and love you forever for sharing this knowledge.  Finally, you just might use it because baby it’s cold outside and you’re not looking for love, and we just saved you from making a huge jump-off mistake…you’re welcome (smile). So, in closing, if you’re going to engage in Jump-Off relations please be mature and responsible. Now, as always, feel free to do what you will with this information and we will see you again next Friday!

Men Speak in Blue-Women Speak in Pink

“Men speak in blue and women speak in pink.”~Lauryn C. Williams

Happy Friday and cheers to the freakin’ weekend! Welcome to the “She Say, He Say” experience.  As you very well may know, opinions on relationships are like germs: you know everyone has 'em, but you'd prefer that they keep those opinions to themselves. Part of the problem with relationship advice is that often times it comes from an unreliable source. For instance, either the advice-giver has been married (and divorced) multiple times or is single and hasn’t been on a date in years. Or, the advice comes from the view of one-sex which, unless you’re in a same-sex relationship, may not be all that helpful. If you’re a woman, taking advice from another woman about dealing with men is like taking advice from Mitt Romney on how to deal with poor people. Not advisable. We feel like the best relationship advice provides insight from both perspectives because it’s only together that a reasonable and rational conclusion may be reached; so, here we are.

Now, let us make it abundantly clear that these are our thoughts based on our years of experience with family, friends and our personal love affairs. We aren’t being compensated for this, and we definitely haven’t researched this stuff, so you take this information at your own peril and feel free to do what you please with our germs...we mean advice.  Enjoy!

Once we decided to write this blog, we then had to decide what to write about. He immediately thought we should talk sex, lies and videotapes and she immediately thought we should do something a little less graphic. Although, we will probably talk sex, lies and videotapes sometime in the near future because it’s provocative.  After much thought and discussion, we thought it might be a good idea to start with communication. The idea for this post came from a statement made over brunch by one of her best friends. The statement was that “Men speak in blue and women speak in pink,” which usually leads to a communication disconnect which results in a clusterf**k of emotions and gives both parties a headache and an attitude.

Communication, or lack thereof, can quite possibly be the root of all evil in relationships.  Failure to communicate can result in unhappiness, divorce, silence and even cheating—none of which is good in a relationship.  However, in all conversations about love, life, and relationships, the universal issue that plagues all couples, jump offs, homies, lovers and friends is the communication issue.  Sometimes it’s failure to communicate, other times its inability to communicate, and then at other times, it can simply be inability to hear and/or process what is being communicated.  In other words, maybe you just aren’t hearing the words that are coming out of the other person’s mouth.

Let’s look at a few examples:

1)  She says: “Babe, can you please wash the dishes?”  He hears: “It doesn’t matter when/how it gets done, so long as it gets done.”

(2)  She says: “I think we should spend more time together?”  He hears: “She wants to dominate my free time and keep me away from my friends.”

(3)  He says: “Why does it take you so long to get dressed?” She hears: “I want you to hurry up because I don’t feel like waiting for you. The longer you take, the longer it will be until I can get back to watching tv and playing Call of Duty.

(4)  He says: “Why do you shop so much?” She hears: This man is always trying to control how I spend my money. He can buy the new pair of Lebrons, but he has to make a comment when I go to DSW and buy a few new pairs of shoes?!?  

In these examples, it is absolutely clear that the words being communicated are translated and heard in a totally different way by the listener.  So, while words are being communicated, there is a glitch in the processing and transmission, which leads to a whole other set of relationship problems.

So, what to do?  While it’s not a fool-proof plan to solving all relationship woes, one of the best things to do is to be an active listener.  This means that during a conversation, men have to put down the PS3 controller and the remote and women need to pause Basketball Wives and minimize the online shopping site to give their significant other their full, undivided attention.  You then need to listen to the words coming out of the other person’s mouth—don’t create some negative reply, don’t think about what he/she didn’t do last week, and don’t cop an immediate attitude-just hear him/her out.  Finally, you need to step outside your personal box and start trying to process information like your significant other would. 

The easiest way to avoid and resolve conflicts is to understand where the other person is coming from, which is difficult when the sexes normally see an identical situation differently. To alleviate this problem, take the time to think in another color. “What does she think when I say this?” or “What does he mean when he says this?” Just because what you say or think makes sense to you, doesn’t mean it makes sense to your partner. Communication is about getting your view across to the other person. If they don’t understand the message you’re trying to convey then we have a breakdown in communication which will lead to subsequent problems. Everyone wants to be heard and understood. Reach your partner where they are and not where you think they should be.  And then, give them an opportunity to get to where you think they should be; but help them get there. Convey the message in a way they’ll understand so that you’re both on the same page. When women start thinking in blue and men start thinking in pink, it will make communication that much easier. We promise it won’t make you too rough or any less of a man; in fact, your significant other will probably love you more and make it worth your while (hint, hint). Nobody said this would be easy, but it’s definitely a start.  Good luck!