Holiday Shopping Guide

Greetings, Happy Holidays and welcome to this week’s edition of “She Said, He Said.” We hope everyone is as much in the holiday spirit as we are-drinking Eggnog, attending holiday parties with endless supplies of food and libations and riding around the streets blasting Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas” at the highest decibel your radio can attain. ChristmasHanuKwanzaa is one of our favorite times of the year, not just because of the presents, food and spiked eggnog but because of how happy and pleasant people are during this time of year. If you’re like most Americans, you probably haven’t completed your Christmas shopping yet. With less than a week til Christmas, you’re probably still struggling with what to get somebody on your list. Woohoo, you’re in luck because we can help you in that endeavor. However, if you’re wondering what decorative plate to get your 80-year old grandmother or which video game to buy your niece/nephew, sadly, we can’t help you so you’ll have to look elsewhere. If you’re wondering what to get the man who has everything or the woman who wants everything, this isn’t the place for that either. But, if you’re wondering which individuals on your “Romance Roster” deserve gifts, you’re certainly in the right place and we’re here to help.

We here at “She Said, He Said” have repeatedly said that we neither advocate nor endorse cheating-not by you, your mom or Olivia Pope. While it is easy to act on your animal instincts, defy the constraints of you or your love interest’s relationship and jump the bones of the side piece, it’s not a good look to hurt the other unknowing participants in the love triangle/square/octagon for 5 minutes of bumping and grinding. However, we aren’t naïve and are fully aware of the fact that a lot of people do it. Perhaps even you. So, rather than turn a blind eye to your sticky situation, we have decided to help you make the best of it, especially during the holiday season. We would hate for you to get shot, stabbed or castrated for giving a bad gift or even worse, not giving a gift at all. However, as with everything, there are boundaries.

As you know, the holiday season means gift giving and EVERYONE always expects a gift. This includes your co-workers, your boss, your wife, your husband, your mistress, and your jumpoff; like we said, everybody wants something especially for Christmas. So what to do?  First, you have to decide who you’re going to give gifts to. I know many of you think this is a no-brainer, but it isn’t. Every year, during the holiday season, millions of Americans go into debt because they spend too lavishly on gifts or buy too many in an effort to be Santa’s substitute. However, in the words of our dear friend Sweet Brown, “Aint nobody got time for dat!” And that is why we are here. We’re going to help you avoid Christmas gift-giving pitfalls and supply helpful tips, hints and advice with the “She Said, He Said Holiday Shopping Guide.” We will tell you who deserves a gift, supply ideas on what to buy and advise you on anything else we think you need to know.

<    1.    Husband/Wife

The first person, and hopefully only love interest, you should buy a gift for is your lawfully wedded mate. This person took a vow to love, to hold, to clean and to deal with your dirty drawls til death do you part. Therefore, he/she should be rewarded accordingly.  There are a lot of factors that go into gift giving. You must consider your spouse’s age, height, weight, interests and medical conditions before deciding on a gift. However, since we don’t have this information for each and every reader, we’ll do our best to give general advice with wide applicability.  

We believe Christmas is the time of year when you purchase wishful and useful gifts. Save the chocolates, sexy underwear and spa gifts for Valentine’s Day and think iPads, watches and over-priced headphones. Also, pay close attention to hints your spouse may have dropped over the course of the past 3-6 months. If he mentions wanting the Dark Knight Trilogy on Blu-ray or the new Jordan’s that drop today, listen to those statements and get those as gifts-he will love you forever. And if she mentions needing a pair of designer shoes or wanting to go on a shopping spree, run to the store and pick out a pair or get her a gift card and she’ll melt in your hands. Getting your spouse what he/she has mentioned in passing not only ensures that you give great gifts, it also gets you out of the dog house for all those times you were accused of not listening. If this isn’t a win-win, then we don’t know what is.  Now, this list isn’t exhaustive, just illustrative of where your thinking should be. The moral of the story is: 1. Your spouse should get a gift; and 2. It should be nice and useful.

<    2.   Boyfriend/Girlfriend

This next group only applies to you non-married individuals. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, of course they should get a gift. These are the people who voluntarily and willingly tolerate you and your bullsh*t despite having no legally binding contract or vow to God that compels them to do so. In most cases, the only thing that separates these people from a spouse is a ring. As such, gift accordingly and gift well. As a helpful word to the wise, the longer you have been together, the better the gift should be. For example, if you have only been with your man for a month, maybe you don’t want to buy the $1,400 Bose stereo system; however, a gift card or some nice shoes/clothes would be nice. In the same vein, if you’ve been with your girl for 4 years and aren’t pulling out a ring to propose (which she is absolutely expecting), you might want to come to the table with something a bit more upscale like a Gucci or Louis Vuitton purse so you can continue to stay out of the dog house. Again, just mere suggestions, we’re simply trying to help.

<    3.  Mistress/Mister

Now, here comes the tricky part. Just because we don’t support your extra-marital/relationship affair doesn’t mean we’re going to write you off as an adulterer and kick you out of the circle. Let us be clear, we hate the adultery not the adulterer and will love you in spite of all of your transgressions. And, it’s because of this love that we don’t want to see you meet your untimely demise when your mistress/mister offs you for not buying them a Christmas gift or decides to spread the news about your affair on your Twitter and Facebook accounts, with links to Instagram photos of you two boo’d up when you were supposed to be visiting your mother last weekend. In order to keep doing what you do, the reality is that you have to pay the cost to be the boss. In this instance, “boss” is a euphemism for a “cheater” who must have testicles the size of a T-Rex if he/she chooses to have an extra-marital affair. But, we digress.

When doing your holiday shopping, you absolutely must buy this person a gift. However, by no means should it even be as close to as nice as your spouse’s. If you bought your spouse a Tiffany necklace, unless you’re a congressman, buy your mistress a bracelet from the pawn shop. If you bought your husband a Breitling watch, buy your mister a Fossil. You want to give them something nice enough that they don’t complain or rock the boat, but not so nice that they get accustomed to fancy and expensive gifts or think this fling may last longer than it will. And, just so you know, it should not last any longer than the day after Christmas. Capiche?

<   4. Jump-Off

Last, but certainly not least, (well actually this person is the least of all considerations) is the jump-off. Do not, we repeat DO NOT, buy your jump off a Christmas gift; don’t even give him/her a Christmas Card.  The only gift they should be getting is some hard **** and bubble gum, or inversely that good good and some Doublemint. The minute you start buying your jump-off gifts is the moment you elevate the jump-off’s status to mistress/mister and, in some extreme cases, girlfriend/boyfriend which is against protocol. Unless this is your intent, and per the “Jump-Off Commandments” we have no earthly idea why it would be, “Don’t do it, reconsider, read some liter-a-ture on the subject.”

While it may sound harsh, that’s just the way it is. We didn’t write the “Jump-Off Commandments”, we just passed them down for the good of the order. Well, maybe we did write them but we didn’t come up with them. These are the rules that have been passed down from generation to generation and have been time-tested and pimp approved, just ask Katt Williams.  

Now, when you hit the mall this weekend, you should be in and out in no time. We hope this post is of assistance to you and keeps you from going astray. If not, go back to the mall, fix your mistakes and get on the good gift-giving foot.  As it’s the holidays, we are going to enjoy Christmas week with family and friends but will be back the first Friday in January with another installment for your reading pleasure. We love ya’ll, appreciate ya’ll and  hope you have a very Merry Christmas, a Happy Hannukah, a blessed Kwanzaa and a Happy New Year! 

Sharing Spaces-Part 2

Happy Friday and welcome to this week’s edition of “She Said, He Said.” Last week we delved into the topic of co-habitation with your significant other. We decided to split the list in half (sort of) to give us the space to expand on each point in greater depth and detail and to prevent you from reading something akin to a novel. You’re welcome. You may have noticed that last week’s points were about getting the space and decorating it. This week’s points focus on what to do now that you have your house, condo, apartment or room in your parents’ house and have to share it with someone else. Just to recap, last week we covered points 1 and 2 which stated:

(1)   Don’t move into your significant other’s space; get a space together.

(2)   Be an active participant in the decorating process

Now that you’ve done these two things, what’s next? Well, we’re glad you asked:

(3)   Believe in the concept of division of labor and share chores

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away men left the house, went to work and served as the primary breadwinners and when they came home, the house was clean and dinner was on the table ready for consumption. Then something happened to change all of that. We had the Industrial Revolution, World Wars I and II, the Woman’s Suffrage Movement, the Civil Rights Movement, the advent of Feminism, the Recession, Major College Conference Re-Alignment and Notre Dame (it has to partly be their fault because it always is) and the role of women changed. Women began to enter the workforce in large numbers and they went from being housewives to working wives and from stay-at-home moms to working moms. While this has been great for women, most men think this seismic shift is a tragedy. However, it’s a grim reality men need to come to grips with.

The reality is that in most homes with two able-bodied adults, both people work. Additionally, the increase of women in both the workplace and corporate America means that she isn’t just working teacher’s hours or doing shift work that allows her to get off between the hours of 3:00pm and 5:00pm. Instead, more women are performing jobs that require long hours, involve immense amounts of travel and may be just as demanding, if not more, than the guy’s.  So sadly, she may not have time to cook, clean, wash the dishes, put in 5 loads of laundry, and take care of the kids after working a 10-12 hour day. What’s a man to do?

A man has got to pitch in, do his part and hope he can at least get some happy endings for sharing the load. Seriously speaking, since both parties eat, sleep, and live in this residence, it’s in the best interests of both parties to make sure the place doesn’t end up on an episode of hoarders or end up being condemned. However you decide to divvy up the chores is between you and your mate, but division of labor is something that must be done in order to keep the peace and a clean house. So guys, you need to step it up. However, as a caveat to women, She says, “A man’s willingness to step up does not mean you can fall back. More specifically, don’t stop cooking, cleaning or doing your part in the relationship just because you have help because that’s not cool.”

As a final note, there are no jobs or household chores that are inherently more womanly/manly than others. As such, it is okay not to conform to stereotypical gender roles when choosing your chores.  It’s perfectly fine for men to dust and women to fix toilets, if that’s your thing. However, you must know your partners strengths and weaknesses and divide the tasks accordingly. If your boyfriend is colorblind, perhaps it’s in the best interests of you and your expensive undergarments for him not to be assigned the laundry. If your girlfriend is about as good a cook as Shaq is at shooting free throws, perhaps you should do the cooking or order more carryout. In the absence of a glaring weakness towards one chore or another, evenly divide them and rotate so no one always gets stuck doing the chore(s) they absolutely hate each and every time. 

(4)   Compromise with TV time

In some homes, TV time can be the precursor to Wrestle Mania, it’s just that bad. She wants to watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians and he wants to watch Dexter so there is a standoff and the last person standing gets to control the television; this is never a good situation. Unfortunately, many people face this nightly dilemma because in an effort to save money, quite a few of our friends either don’t have TVs or don’t have one in every room. While this may be good for preserving your pockets and the planet, it could be bad for your health, safety and hospital bill.

No person needs to watch TV all day, every day. No one. Therefore, it is imperative that neither party dominate the remote during the primetime lineup. Unless, of course, you find yourself in some sort of utopian relationship where you two happen to like all the same shows and the matter of who holds the remote is just a formality. However, this is a highly unlikely situation so it’s more likely that he’ll want to watch one set of shows and she’ll want to watch another at the same da*n time. But if you only have one TV, what to do? You share AND you buy a DVR or a Netflix subscription, then you pray that you don’t fight over who is taking up more space on the DVR.

Technology is one of the best things that ever happened to relationships. In this particular instance, the addition of a DVR or a subscription to HULU or Netflix helps resolve the issue of one person being able to watch his/her favorite show to the detriment of his/her partner. You get to watch one and record the other so you can watch it later. In fact, some television subscription services even allow you to watch the show the same day it comes out on your laptop or tablet, making it a truly worthwhile investment. Once you take full advantage of all the greatness that is technology, the only decision you’re left to make is who gets to watch what show first and who is forced to wait. Well that’s a decision best left for you and your partner to decide because we can’t fix everything.

(5)   Never forget the importance of alone time for you and your boo

Alone time…does this really exist when you’re sharing space with your significant other? Yes it should and yes it does. The only person you should spend every waking moment with is God and, if we’re honest, many of us ditch him far too much. The point we are trying to make is that it’s irrational and kind of creepy to spend every single moment of every single day with your partner. People need alone time and should have that alone time to think and just be, and that alone time should include more minutes than those used during showers and meetings with the porcelain throne. We are speaking of real, significant alone time that can be spent on reading, playing video games, writing, exercising, or whatever it is that men do when their woman cannot stand to be with them another second. 

It’s important for people to remember that when you enter into a relationship, you are an individual. And in the sad event that your relationship doesn’t work out, you’ll still be an individual. So, don’t lose that individuality just because you become someone’s significant other. Plus, couples who do EVERYTHING together and can’t stand to be separated for more than a couple of minutes in public are just weird and kinda gross (yes, we’re judging). It’s like watching a snake swallow its prey-you hate to watch it, but you have to watch because you want to know how the process works.

So don’t be gross. Instead, maintain your individuality and continue to do the things you enjoyed doing prior to entering into the relationship, unless those things were hunting down murderers or putting bricks in the hood. If not, continue to do you. Having interests outside of your partner allows you to continue to be you and have something to talk about. It also keeps the relationship interesting because distance and separation are really a good thing, in moderation. If you do everything together what is there to share or talk about?

 

In conclusion, living with your significant other can be challenging, daunting and outright scary. Even “relationship experts” have problems living with the ones they love. Putting two people in the same place and asking them to coexist in harmony is a tall task but it isn’t impossible. It takes  a lot of work and commitment from both partners for the shared spaces experiment to truly work. It’ll be what you what you make it. Good luck!

Sharing Spaces-Part 1

Happy Friday! Now that the work week is over on to the fun stuff, the latest edition of “She Said, He Said.” Yay! Hooray beer! Again, thank you to all who have been avid readers from day one and welcome to the newbies. Today’s topic is about co-habitation with your significant other. Since the beginning of time, one of the hardest things to do is to live with someone else. He’s one of five, comes from a big family and is used to sharing everything because he has lived with someone each and every year of his life while she’s an only child who is accustomed to having her own space and doing things her way, without the input of others. Yet, both of us have often had trouble allowing others into our respective personal spaces.  Sound familiar?  

As humans, no matter how loving, giving, caring, compassionate, selfless (or any other term you’d like to use for nice) we are, at some point or another we all want to be alone, focus on self and do things “my” way. Blame it on DNA, blame it on code red/Aunt Flo, blame it on the boogie, or whatever you decide to attribute it to-that is on you. But the fact of the matter is that alone time is a premium that everyone wants and needs; plus, living alone would make so many things so much easier. However, despite this clear and convincing evidence that everyone needs his or her own personal space, we still decide to cohabitate with the person we love. This is partly because society frowns upon married people living apart and partly because, if we’re being honest, the goodies are much easier to get when you share the same bed with your love interest. So, it appears that cohabitation is a necessary evil. Now that we know how we got here, we now have to figure out how to make this co-habitation experience work.  

As previously stated, the clear way to avoid the pain and agony that accompanies living with someone else is to get a decked out bachelor/bachelorette pad, a dog and just live alone. Great! Problem solved. However, if you’re married, engaged, homeless or just so in love with your mate that you’re willing to endure something that at times may feel like self-inflicted torture, here are a few suggestions that may help ease the pain. Rather than make a long numerical list, we decided to split this post into 2 parts so that we could narrow it down to a handful of points and expand on those. This week we’re covering points 1 and 2 and next week we’ll cover points 3-5.  

(1)   Don’t move into your significant other’s space; get a space together.

We’re all selfish, to some degree or another, and a lot of times (especially during arguments) one person will say something like “get you’re a** out of my bed and out of my house” or “don’t leave mouthwash residue in my sink.” Clearly, there is a feeling of personal invasion on the part of the person who originally possessed the space prior to his/her significant other’s arrival. The problem with this mindset is that when you move in with someone, most of what used to be yours now partly belongs to the other person (conceptually that is, not legally). So, in light of the fact that the couch, lamp or closet space has been yours and yours alone forever, by default, you use the pronoun “my” instead of “our” and completely offend your significant other. Not only do you piss him/her off, you also make him/her feel unwanted and that’s never a good thing. No person ever wants to feel as though he/she is unwanted, unwelcomed and infringing upon your space because that feeling sucks. Therefore, if you have been known to engage in this type of offensive behavior a time or five, don’t worry because this is a common mistake many couples make.  However, for future reference, in order to help you avoid this issue, once you’ve decided to move in with your partner you should find a place together. That way, neither party can claim the entire space as his/her own, neither party can make his/her significant other feel like a space invader and it surely prevents you from wondering how many girls/guys have played strip poker and done other inappropriate things with your mate in the living room.

(2)   Be an active participant in the decorating process

Once you’ve decided on a mutually agreed upon living space, you then have to decorate it. Guys, we know what you’re thinking “I don’t care what it looks like so long as it’s clean, comfortable and doesn’t look like the inside of a Martha Stewart catalog.” But trust us, you do care.” For most guys, living alone affords them a certain sense of freedom they can’t have with their partners. Let’s face it, most bachelor pads look exactly the same: leather couches, big flat screen TVs, movie posters, a wall full of DVDs that must include Scarface and The Godfather, and gaming systems that allow you to shoot and kill animated terrorists. However, the important items missing from this equation are a dining room table, coasters, a coffee table, real plates, bed skirts, wall art that doesn’t come from a gangster movie and other stuff that never crossed your mind because it doesn’t seem important. But, this is one of the reasons you need to cohabitate because, trust us, your female counterpart will notice, care and immediately begin redecorating the space in her head.  But, fellas listen closely: in order to avoid having your place look like something out of Home Goods or Crate & Barrel, participate in the decoration process. No one expects you to be the David Tutera (think Bill Belichick of weddings) of home décor, but if you want any piece of furniture you can actually put your feet on and don’t want anything that you stare at for hours wondering what the hell it is, then at the very least look in the catalogues and go to the store with her so that you can say “yay” or “nay” a couple of times when asked for your opinion. And guys, another key reason you should participate in the decoration process is because you will be sorely disappointed when you come home to a house full of décor you don’t like and a receipt that has you wondering how she could have possibly spent so much money…and on what? So, just get involved so everyone can agree on the look of “our place”. 

Now that we’ve figured out how to get to and through the first steps of co-habitation, we will next need to figure out how in the hell we make this “shacking up” thing work.  So, hopefully you’ve learned lots today, or at least enough to get you started and have you ready for next week’s part deux. Enjoy your weekend and see you next week!