Manage Your Expectations: Part 2a

Happy Valentine’s Day beautiful Couples, Singles and Side pieces and welcome to another edition of “She Said, He Said”. We thought about tending to our personal romantical situations and leaving you without a blog post on this St. Valentine’s Day of love. However, we thought better of it. Plus the wine and sushi can wait.

A few weeks ago we introduced you to the “Manage Your Expectations” series. In Part 1, we discussed “What are your expectations?” In Part 2 of the series we talked about, “Where did your expectations come from?” Since this topic is so deep, we’re going to continue our discussion from last week. Next week, we will finish the series. So if you’ve missed anything, go back, catch up and hop up on it (Justin Timberlake voice). Now it’s time for the conclusion of “Where did your expectations come from?”

Unattractive Girl Syndrome (UGS)

On the flip side of the coin of PGS is UGS. Once again, society rears its ugly head to eff up our expectations. UGS is a by-product of low self-esteem, bullying and various other mechanisms that lead women to believe they are “ugly”. With UGS, a woman fundamentally believes that she has to engage in heaux activities and slut it up in order to get the man she wants because she is (physically) unattractive and this is the only way she will get chose. And this is dead wrong! No one should be defined or dictated by what society or others say about you; all that matters is what YOU say about you. If you are comfortable with who you are, be confident in that and prove the haters wrong each and every day! If you are not comfortable with you, work on those things you can change and embrace those things you can’t change. The key is to love you first-flaws and all-and tell society and every naysayer to kiss you’re a**! Okay, now back to the post.

A wise man once said, “Hoe problems ain’t no problem,” which is a core tenet of man law. A conversation about “hoes and hoe activities typically go like this: “Old girl is a hoe? Who cares? Is she clean though? She slept with how many? I don’t give a da*n about her body count. Can she put it down? Her nickname is the head doctor? I’ll be her patient. Send her over.” Most men live by the creed, “I want a woman who’s a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets.” What man doesn’t value a woman who can rock some heels, a black dress, make-up not done by a mortician or a clown and can handle her own at a cocktail party while giving you great sex first thing in the morning, or in the bathroom at the holiday office party? However, if you get a little too freaky in the bedroom, a little too soon in the relationship, fair or not, eyebrows are raised. Instead of enjoying the moment, old boy will be asking, “Who taught you that?” And contrary to popular belief, the correct answer isn’t “Yeezy taught me.”

Now, girls with UGS often provide men with some of their freakiest escapades. These so called outcasts, throw-aways, and thots, if you will, are willing to do it all because they believe that in order to have a fighting chance against the “beautiful women” of the world, they have to be Pixie the porn star. Unfortunately, that’s not good for you and the reality is that men both love and hate that. They love it because it gives them a story to tell. But, once they’re home alone, playing back the mental tape from the sexcapade, they begin to assume that you’ve been around more than a hoolahoop. Not a good look.

Pick of the Litter Syndrome

Now let’s be clear; while we’ve focused on women-centered issues, fellas have their shi* with them too. Let a ninja be half-way good looking, have enough singles in his pocket to make it drizzle at the strip club, a degree from The University of Phoenix, and 0 dependents, and he thinks he’s God’s gift to women. While those attributes alone don’t make him God’s gift to anybody, it’s hard to discount the fact that he’s kind of a big deal. Since men, particularly men of color, with degrees, no children, no STD’s, a job and his own spot are few and far between, being in this elite group breeds a high degree of confidence in even the most humble of men. But who can blame him? He is on record as having witnessed the eyes of women enlarge like a cartoon character when they find out what he does for a living.

So you’re a big fish in a small pond. Congratulations, the force is with you. However, herein lies the problem gentlemen. We often overplay our hands. We begin to run through women like a rat through a cheese store and are as reckless with women’s emotions as a bull in a China shop. Foul. For the men who have no desire, ever in life, to have a wife, kids, a dog, a house and a white picket fence, go forth and prosper. Strap up and relay your intentions to the women you ensnare in your trap. For the men who, at some point or another, want to have a family, you can’t do this sh*t forever. If you do, you too will wake up one day, 40 and alone with a condo full of stuff from Brookstone, a pocket full of money and no one to share it with. And the only thing you can think about is the one (2, 3, 4 or 5) that you let get away. Or, in the alternative, you wake up next to the world’s biggest, craziest bi**h, who just happens to be your wife (for better or worse), humming Ne-yo’s “Do You Ever” all day every day.

A wise man once said, “Girls are like buses. Miss one next 15 one comin’.” And many men govern their lives according to this principal. However, in doing so, some lose sight of the fact that even buses stop running as the night goes on. Being a man similarly situated as the one described in this section, makes finding a mate like fishing for catfish on a catfish farm (easy). Overfish that pond or catch and release too many and you’ll find that the prize catches you had in your younger days come fewer and farther in between in your older days. To think you can do what you’ve always done (run through chicks like a hot knife through butter) and get something you’ve never had or can keep hold of a (good woman) is insane in the membrane. Insane in the brain. In short, you can be cooler than a polar bear’s toenails and flyer than a G6, but if you want to have healthy and successful relationship you must manage your expectations.

We hope you’ve enjoyed the series so far and will come back next week for our last series installment entitled, “Now what?” Remember, if you have any questions, comments or suggestions for the blog, email us at: hesaidshesaid101@gmail.com, Follow us on Twitter at @S_HeSaidBlog or just comment directly on the blog. Until next week, don’t be a hater while drinking your juice in the hood.

Manage Your Expectations-Part 2: Where did your expectations come from?

Now that it’s February, we can stop saying Happy New Year. So, we will just say welcome to the latest edition of “She Said, He Said”. Last week, in Part 1 of “Manage Your Expectations-The Series”, we asked the critical question- “What are your expectations?” If you missed it, shame on you! Now immediately go back and catch up before reading part 2. I mean you could read part 2 and then go back to part 1, but why would you do that? Exactly! So this week, for our next series installment, we explore the answers to “Where did your expectations come from?”

When we briefly touched upon the root of expectations last week, it should have become clear that expectations come from an amalgamation of sources that come together to create the perfect storm of terribleness; a terribleness that is responsible, at least in part, for your relationship troubles.  So what, you ask, are the prime sources of our unrealistic expectations? Great question! One of the prime contributors of unrealistic romantic expectations is The Disney Company (please don’t sue us). Yep, the company that brought us Mickey Mouse, the Lion King and Toy Story also delivered extreme doses of unrealistic relationship expectations. Don’t believe us? Well ask yourself these questions: Why do so many women think they are princesses? Why do so many men believe that no matter how beastly they may be on the outside, as long as they are nice guys, they’ll find their princess? Why does looking at lion cubs on National Geographic engender warm feelings? Walt “Mothereffing” Disney, that’s why (again, please don’t sue us).  But the Disney Company isn’t the only responsible party for your unreasonable expectations.

Society

Society creates these constructs, or rules if you will, that we consciously or subconsciously (mostly the latter), buy into. These constructs are hammered into us day in and day out on television, and in our music, movies and books until we finally succumb to what society wants us to believe—that all women should cook and clean; that all men should be the primary breadwinners in the home and pay the bills; and that you and your partner must be equally yoked in terms of education, occupation and other external, often unimportant, factors. Okay, so you listen to these words from society, you buy in, and then you get burned because society’s mandates aren’t always right and they don’t always apply to your life. Instead, your life looks something like this: your woman can barely boil a pot of water and she rarely does the dishes; your man makes less money than you so you take the lion’s share of the responsibility for paying bills; and while you graduated from college and law school to become a successful attorney, she took a different route by not going to college, and instead choosing to pursue her passion as an actress or pole dance instructor. According to society, when you look at your life, you can only conclude that it sucks and that you’ve done something very wrong with regard to your love life. However, the million dollar question is, “Are you happy with your circumstances?” If so, who gives a damn about “what society says”?

All too often, society dictates what we want, how we think, whom we desire and what classifies as a successful or appropriate relationship. However, what it often creates are unrealistic expectations. For example, society makes women think we need a knight in shining armor to take us away from our troubles, show us the world, and save us from ourselves and the horrible plight of being single and alone. No man or woman should be waiting on someone else to save them. The ugly truth is that if you keep stepping on the edge of that skyscraper praying for Superman to catch you when you fall, eventually you’ll realize the only thing that will catch you will be the cold, hard, pavement called reality. So save yourself the time and trouble and get it together. For us sane people, all of that stuff we mentioned is just that-stuff; stuff that society has told us we need to have a successful relationship. However, what we really need and want is a partner to come home to; one who loves us unconditionally (flaws and all), enjoys many of the things we enjoy and is a great partner (flaws and all). In the same vein, society has conditioned men to believe that their ideal woman should cook 5-course meals, that men should rarely express their opinions and they should walk softly and carry a big stick (pun intended). The reality is that society can’t govern your relationships and that your expectations must be managed and not dictated by these constructs.

Parents (or lack thereof)
Please see your therapist for that. We neither have the time, energy, nor degrees to facilitate this aspect of the conversation, but you do need to address it.

Pretty Girl Syndrome (PGS)

Women suffering from PGS are convinced that they can have any and every guy they so desire simply because they are pretty. Now, to a large degree, this is true. “Pretty women” are presented with greater options and they do have their pick of a much larger man pool than “average” or “less than average” looking woman. Notice all the quotations? Great! We put these terms in quotations because we firmly believe that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and that one man’s “6” is another man’s “10”, and vice versa. However, for argument’s sake, we’re speaking in generalities because, generally speaking, society has determined what is or is not attractive and the world has bought in. But we digress.

The problem with PGS is that your pretty girl status only lasts so long. To keep it 100, the main issue is that pretty women have their choice of mates, until they don’t! And herein lies the problem. As a PGS sufferer, you are clear and vocal about your preferences, which you treat as requirements, because you’re fine as wine, your ish doesn’t stink and your hair is laid hunty! On top of that, since middle school, you have always gotten away with summarily dismissing otherwise qualified gentlemen because you can. If he was an inch too short, made a few grand less than you required, or didn’t pledge in college, it was on to the next (because there was always a next). For a “pretty” girl, there is always a next, with one on deck, two on the bench, and a few in the D-League waiting for that call to “The Show”. Then one day, it’s all gone! The well has run dry and there is no next. You wake up and realize that you have no potential suitors, you’ve never been married, you’re childless and all you have is your dog Sparky, a fridge full of hummus, and a cold bed at the age of 42. Why? Because you thought that you would always be hot and that you would always have your pick of suitors. Unfortunately, you were so wrapped up in yourself that you didn’t realize this was virtually impossible. And now you’re miserable because all of the things you always dreamed of (love, marriage, and babies) seem so unattainable. That is the gift and the curse of expectations guided by PGS.

We’ve given you a ton of information this week, but we are just scratching the surface. So we’re going to stop here, put a pen in it and continue this discussion next week. Between this post and the post from last week, we are fairly certain that you can begin to determine the source of your expectations, if you are honest with yourself. As you think about the root of your expectations, consider how you feel about them-like, dislike, want to change, etc.

We hope you’ve enjoyed the series so far but be sure to come back next week for the latest installment. Plus, if you have any questions, comments or suggestions for the blog, email us at: hesaidshesaid101@gmail.com, Follow us on Twitter at @S_HeSaidBlog or just comment directly on the blog. Until next week, don’t be a hater while drinking your juice in the hood.