CHEATING: THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY

As we were thinking about the topic for this week’s blog, it occurred to us that the entire world seems to be completely engrossed in and enamored with this General Petraeus “cheating scandal”; so much so that it has monopolized the top time slots for every single news outlet everyday this week. As we discussed this situation and questioned why the world feels they deserve to have any insight into this family’s personal business and whether or not Petraeus’ wayward male parts have negatively affected his ability to do his job, it got us to thinking that maybe this week’s topic should be about cheating. As we said when we first started this blog, we try to deliver the male and female perspectives, which means we certainly will not always agree. This may be one of those days. So, we decided to do a true she said, he said layout about cheating. Here goes nothing.

HE SAYS

If you’ve ever been in a monogamous relationship, have a pulse and haven’t done a stint at Guantanamo Bay, chances are you’ve either cheated, been cheated on or both. As a person with male parts I’ve been asked time and time again, “Why do men cheat?” And my answer each and every time is that “It’s complicated.” Contrary to popular belief, and the Declaration of Independence, all men are not created equal. Sure, we have biological similarities and most of us maintain membership in the “He Man Woman Haters Club” but aside from that we’re vastly different. Take, for example, the fact that I have 3 brothers. We share similar skin complexions, facial features and mannerisms which are largely attributed to the fact that we share DNA and were raised together. However, outside of that, we are as different as RGIII’s socks and people who know all of us will attest to that fact. We think differently, we behave differently, and we operate differently based upon our own thoughts, beliefs and reasoning.

I, personally, am a firm believer in the idea that everything happens for a reason, whether we understand that reason or whether it’s a good one is beside the point, but there is a reason. And that reason differs from hombre to hombre. While all men are different, just like women, we can be grouped generally. Now, there always have been and always will be outliers and exceptions to the rules. Most people can’t run the 40 yard dash in less than 4.4 seconds but then you have Michael Vick, Devin Hester and Usain Bolt who are exceptions to that rule. So, before I get started, I don’t want you world class speed negroes complaining about how you’re better or different than everybody else; that’s already been addressed. With that said, allow me to speak on a few generalities for a minute:

I believe that men cheat for three principal reasons:

1. Impulse
2. In Search of the Missing Link-The 80/20 Rule
3. In Response to Pain and Hurt

Now let me explain, in greater detail, what I mean.

1. Impulse

Men are impulsive creatures and this goes back to the age of the Flintstones. You saw something you wanted to eat, you clubbed it, speared it, or shot it with an arrow, killed it and ate it. The same thing applied when it came to dealing with the fairer sex. Men would pick a woman, grab a woman and have their way with her. As archaic and barbaric as it may sound, we’re only 150 years removed (perhaps less) from the time when that type of behavior was acceptable (think slavery). 

Some argue that it’s natural instinct for men to act on their impulses and I agree. However, I do not condone, support or encourage impulsive behavior, unless it’s taking shots on your birthday. Then it’s not an option, it’s an obligation. Seriously speaking, the argument “I just couldn’t help it” just doesn’t work. If everyone acted on impulse, society would be no different than the Serengeti and we would be no better than animals roaming the wild. Animals act on impulse. They get hungry, they kill and they eat. They get a rise in their nature, they find a female and they get their rocks off. Fellas, are you really trying to tell me we’re no better than a wildebeest? Are you saying that you don’t have more brain and will power than a simian that eats and throws its own feces? If you are, clearly I’m the outlier in this equation, but you tell me.

2. In Search of the Missing Link-The 80/20 Rule

The second reason men cheat is to find what they don’t have at home. One of the things I loathe most are posts, tweets, and status updates about someone’s mate being perfect. Unless you’re married to Jesus, that simply isn’t the truth. Now, what you may have found is the person who is perfect for you as they accept you for you, flaws, dirty drawls and all. But I assure you, you have not found the perfect person. If that were true, half of all marriages wouldn’t end in divorce. If it were true, all of those people getting divorced/separated would be leaving the perfect person, which would make them retarded or just dead wrong; you choose.

Once you’ve come to the realization that the person you’ve met isn’t perfect and is lacking something you believe to be important, but may not necessarily be, essential, many go in search of that missing link, the 20%. Herein lies the problem. We’ve already established that perfection in human form doesn’t exist. So your quest is futile. You won’t find the exception to the rule, you’ll only find the missing 20%. Then you’re forced to deal with not one but two women, which may initially seem fun and exciting; however, once you really get into it, you’ll find out that it isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. Just think about it. All of the things that we complain about women in our meetings would be doubled or tripled and that’s not what you want. Think on that.

3. In Response to Pain/Hurt

The third reason why men cheat is because we’ve been hurt. I hate to say it and I hope that saying this doesn’t jeopardize my club membership, but men are some of the softest creatures in the world. Most women wear their emotions outwardly and proudly carry and display them like they would a Gucci bag, which is part of the problem we have in dealing with you unstable creatures (but that’s another post). Men, on the other hand are hurt by someone, take that hurt in, put it in a trash bag, burn it, place it in a safe and then throw away the key. The problem with this is that so long as the hurt remains inside, it is a hindrance and since we’ve thrown away the key, the only way to truly do away with the pain is to hire an explosives/demolition team, which in this metaphor would be a tragic/catastrophic event. And who the hell has the time, money, or intestinal fortitude for that? Nobody!

As men, we cheat because we’ve been cheated on and never want to be caught slipping again. We cheat because we gave our heart to a woman before and refuse to give another slimy (insert expletive) another chance to hurt us. We cheat because we haven’t healed yet and are still carrying around the pain and anguish from our previous relationship(s) into our subsequent relationship(s) thereby dooming them from the start. No matter how expensive the luggage may be that we carry our baggage in, it’s still heavy and problematic and no amount of baggage fees will convince someone to carry it for you

In order to address the act of infidelity, I believe it is critical that we examine the reason behind why a man cheats because that may help prevent future occurrences and get to the heart of the problem. Is it because he’s Tiger Woods and needs to be sent to sex therapy? Or, does he need to be subjected to a viewing of “Why Did I Get Married” to fully understand the application of the 80/20 rule? Or, should he take some time out to heal old wounds before getting back into the game? Figure out the why and the act may never happen again.

SHE SAYS

Personally, I think cheating is bulls*it and something that can be avoided, even though I have been guilty of cheating once or twice in my past life. However, my past indiscretions don’t negate my feelings on cheating and the fact that it’s bulls*it. Cheating is the epitome of selfishness. While most people only think of cheating as physical acts such as sex and forms of foreplay, cheating can also occur on an emotional level, which may be worse than physical cheating in some ways. If you’re confused, let me explain. Emotional cheating occurs when people go outside of their relationship to talk and fill the touchy-feely void that their partner isn’t fulfilling. Emotional cheating often leads to physical cheating because the constant talking, sharing, and expenditure of emotional energy creates some weird synergy between two people that is based on feelings, emotions, and some level of emotional and mental intimacy; it’s deeper than sex, it’s deeper than physical interaction and it is detrimental to all relationships because that’s the person your man/woman often leaves you for, so beware. But, also be alert because if you do decide to leave your man/woman for that other person, they could be your 20% and then what…was it really worth it?

The million dollar question is why do people cheat? Well, from my experience of being on both ends of the cheating spectrum, people cheat primarily because they want to, they think they can, and somewhere in their minds, they believe that it is acceptable behavior, but it’s not. When you decide to update your Facebook status from “Single” to “In a relationship”, you have changed the game. Presumably, you’re in a relationship with someone who you like enough, at least for the moment, to want to be in a “monogamous” relationship with; therefore, the expectation is that you are dating, emotionally engaged with, and sexing only that one person, isn’t that why you got into the relationship in the first place? If not, why not just make him/her a jumpoff??? Whatever your reason, you decided to become boyfriend/girlfriend with this person and along with that title comes a number of expectations. Yet, it is clear in a number of relationships that a title (boyfriend/girlfriend, fiancé, husband, and wife) is just that--a title and has very little bearing on the way we act and behave in relationships and that my friends, is a hot and spicy mess.

Contrary to the popular espousing of all cheaters, cheating is never an accident. A cheater has never cheated and said “whoops, I was just sitting on the couch twiddling my thumbs, with no intention of engaging in sex, and somehow my clothes fell off and I magically became naked. Then, wouldn’t ya know, [insert name] somehow appeared on top of/underneath/in front of/behind me and took advantage of me” because if they did, that would not be cheating, it would be rape.  Cheating is an active choice that a person makes, just like choosing to wake up in the morning and go to work, choosing to eat chicken versus steak for dinner, and choosing to watch The Wire over Sex and the City. Every time a person cheats, he/she makes a decision to do their partner dirty. Point. Blank. Period. There is never a reason or excuse that justifies cheating behavior, yet we hear them (and make them) all the time. Some of my personal favorites are:

•       She didn’t support my dreams and the other chick was there to talk to and was always so supportive.
•             I love my man but he doesn’t know how to put it down and old boy puts in that work.
•            Once we got married, she stopped doing the things that attracted me to her and there are a hundred women throwing themselves at me so it was just too easy.
•       He’s always out with his boys and leaves me at home so I had to figure out how to occupy my time.
•       My all time favorite- my wife and kids are taken care of and don’t ever want for anything, I’m not leaving them, but I just can’t help it—I like sex. 

Again, none of these are valid reasons for a person to cheat on their significant other or spouse. If a person is unhappy there are 2 options: communicate and work through it or leave. Cheating is clearly not one of those options so we should stop doing it.  If you are a cheater, you should definitely reconsider your actions because it’s not fair to your partner, assuming he/she is monogamous, it’s not fair to your children, and it’s really not fair to your relationship. So again, just don’t do it.

The other thing about cheating is that it’s so one sided. Usually, one party is cheating and getting their rocks off while the other party is monogamous and sitting at home playing the role of good significant other.  As far as I’m concerned, if you feel you have to cheat, let’s all just cheat. Let me have just as much fun and excitement as you have on a daily basis-it only seems fair.  If we do that, let’s just have an open relationship and everybody can get it in…I’m just saying.

Again, we aren’t experts; we are merely providing our opinions based on past experiences. However, we will leave you with a few words from the Good Book. Thou shall not commit adultery and thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife or anything that is thy neighbor’s.  We just want ya’ll to get to heaven!