Can You Stand the Rain?

“On a perfect day, I know that I can count on you. When that’s not possible, tell me can you weather the storm? Cause I need somebody who will stand by me. Through the good times and bad times, she will always, always be right there.

Sunny days, everybody loves them. Tell me baby, can you stand the rain? Storms will come, this we know for sure. But can you stand the rain?

Love unconditional, I’m not asking just of you.  And girl to make it last, I’ll do whatever needs to be done. But I need somebody who will stand by me, when it’s tough she won’t run; she will always be right there for me….Cause I want you and I need you and I love you baby…tell me baby-will you be there for me?”

~“Can You Stand the Rain” by New Edition

Happy Friday! We’d like to first start by sending our thoughts and prayers out to all of those suffering from and affected by the devastating effects of the recent mega-storm Hurricane Sandy. Keep your heads up, know that we are praying for you, and know that it will get better.

Today’s topic was clearly inspired by the soulful melodies of New Edition.  For those of us fortunate enough to have been around during the great musical era of Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky, Mike, Ralph T and Johnny G, we’re sure this song brings back great memories of good music and good times in the 80’s. For the young’uns who have no idea who these people are…we’re sorry. You guys really missed out on some good stuff.  Now that we’ve taken a brief trip down memory lane, let’s get down to the business of standing the rain.

New Edition asked it best when they said “all the days won’t be perfect, but tell me can you stand the rain?” We ALL know that relationships are hard work. ALL relationships are hard work; whether it’s the one with your best friend, your parents or your significant other. Part of the reason why relationships are such hard work is because you are dealing with the personalities (yes, multiple) of another person in situations you don’t have sole control over. And if time has proven nothing else, it has certainly shown us that things can and will always go wrong and/or be problematic when we can’t completely control a situation.  Welcome to the world of relationships.  So, take it as a foregone conclusion that relationships are tough, that all days won’t be sunny and that more often than not, you will think about quitting your significant other, giving up on the relationship, walking away, cheating, and/or being alone because “I don’t need this sh*t” and “I can do bad all by my da*n self.” However, just because you can doesn’t mean that you should.   

As we said, this relationship thing can be the toughest, most difficult thing task you will ever undertake for so many reasons: (1) you have to manage the personalities of your partner and concern yourself with the words, deeds, thoughts, actions and feelings of that other person; (2) you have to manage your own personalities; (3) you have to manage both your own and your partner’s expectations; (4) you have to step outside of your own personal comfort zone of likes and dislikes (the one you’ve had your entire life) and enter into some fuzzy space that merges/incorporates your partner’s likes and dislikes; and (5) you may have to hang around and be nice to people you’re not that fond of because they are your partner’s close friends. While this is not an all-inclusive list, clearly these 5 things are 5 of the more important relationship components. Yet, if you love your partner/significant other and want your relationship to have a fighting chance, these are things you must do 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.  Or, you can just take the easy way out and quit.

Quitting is definitely the easiest approach. For instance, why not quit when you come home after a long day at work and you’re upset with your girl, again, for having been home all day but for deciding not to go grocery shopping and for leaving you starving with no food to cook and/or eat? Or, why not go back to being single when your man  decides (for the sixth weekend in a row) that he wants to spend the entire weekend in the house watching sports and doesn’t want to go anywhere with you during any of the 48 hours contained in the weekend?  And, isn’t it easier to get rid of him when he never cooks or cleans, and then has the audacity to always leave the toilet seat up so that you fall into the toilet each and every time you use the restroom? Absolutely, put ’em out!  That will solve all of your problems!  While this is true, it creates a new set of problems you probably weren’t considering in your anger.

For instance, while you won’t have to clean up after two people, you will come home to an empty house with no post-work banter, no one to eat dinner with and no one to even ask the simple things like “how was your day?”  And while you don’t have to listen to someone moan and groan about what you did or didn’t do properly, you also won’t have anyone to cuddle with at night, engage in random bouts of freaky stuff at 3:35am on a workday with, or just sit with on the couch while watching a Redbox movie and drinking a glass of wine.  We are definitely not saying that you should stay in a relationship you aren’t happy in and/or don’t want to be in, but you definitely should not give up on your partner and/or your relationship because of rainy days and the storms that will surely come.

Storms in relationships are inevitable. Sometimes the storm could be a passing shower, other times it could be a Nor’easter. It could swoop in like a tropical storm or come barreling in as a hurricane, but trust and believe that the storms and the rainy days are coming. For some couples the storms may come once every 7-10 days and for other couples they may come every 3-6 months, but they will always appear. Instead of giving up, readjust to how you handle the storm because it is in these moments that you not only see what you’re made of individually, but also how committed you are to your partner and your relationship.  If you believe in the relationship and the person that you’re with, step out of your comfort zone during storms so you can weather them. Here are a few examples to illustrate what we mean:

If you are argumentative: step back, don’t say a word and give yourself a minute to breathe and process information before responding; if you do this, the storm will end much faster and much differently than your storms in the past. 

If you shut down and tune out your partner because you think he/she has been talking 10 minutes too long: try changing your body language and/or do something to show that you really are listening and not just sitting there waiting for your partner to shut up so you can go back to watching tv. If you do this, the storm may end differently. 

If she gets emotional during arguments and begins to cry: even if you don’t understand why she’s crying, reach out to her and pull her in for a hug. It doesn’t completely resolve the situation, but at least she knows you care and the storm ends differently.

Again, these are just a few examples, but you get our drift. In order to have a different storm outcome, you have got to do something different.  Giving up is not the answer, fighting harder is. Push through, stay the course and stand the rain!