Happy Friday and cheers to the freakin’ weekend! Welcome to the “She Say, He Say” experience. As you very well may know, opinions on relationships are like germs: you know everyone has 'em, but you'd prefer that they keep those opinions to themselves. Part of the problem with relationship advice is that often times it comes from an unreliable source. For instance, either the advice-giver has been married (and divorced) multiple times or is single and hasn’t been on a date in years. Or, the advice comes from the view of one-sex which, unless you’re in a same-sex relationship, may not be all that helpful. If you’re a woman, taking advice from another woman about dealing with men is like taking advice from Mitt Romney on how to deal with poor people. Not advisable. We feel like the best relationship advice provides insight from both perspectives because it’s only together that a reasonable and rational conclusion may be reached; so, here we are.
Now, let us make it abundantly clear that these are our thoughts based on our years of experience with family, friends and our personal love affairs. We aren’t being compensated for this, and we definitely haven’t researched this stuff, so you take this information at your own peril and feel free to do what you please with our germs...we mean advice. Enjoy!
Once we decided to write this blog, we then had to decide what to write about. He immediately thought we should talk sex, lies and videotapes and she immediately thought we should do something a little less graphic. Although, we will probably talk sex, lies and videotapes sometime in the near future because it’s provocative. After much thought and discussion, we thought it might be a good idea to start with communication. The idea for this post came from a statement made over brunch by one of her best friends. The statement was that “Men speak in blue and women speak in pink,” which usually leads to a communication disconnect which results in a clusterf**k of emotions and gives both parties a headache and an attitude.
Communication, or lack thereof, can quite possibly be the root of all evil in relationships. Failure to communicate can result in unhappiness, divorce, silence and even cheating—none of which is good in a relationship. However, in all conversations about love, life, and relationships, the universal issue that plagues all couples, jump offs, homies, lovers and friends is the communication issue. Sometimes it’s failure to communicate, other times its inability to communicate, and then at other times, it can simply be inability to hear and/or process what is being communicated. In other words, maybe you just aren’t hearing the words that are coming out of the other person’s mouth.
Let’s look at a few examples:
1) She says: “Babe, can you please wash the dishes?” He hears: “It doesn’t matter when/how it gets done, so long as it gets done.”
(2) She says: “I think we should spend more time together?” He hears: “She wants to dominate my free time and keep me away from my friends.”
(3) He says: “Why does it take you so long to get dressed?” She hears: “I want you to hurry up because I don’t feel like waiting for you. The longer you take, the longer it will be until I can get back to watching tv and playing Call of Duty.
(4) He says: “Why do you shop so much?” She hears: This man is always trying to control how I spend my money. He can buy the new pair of Lebrons, but he has to make a comment when I go to DSW and buy a few new pairs of shoes?!?
In these examples, it is absolutely clear that the words being communicated are translated and heard in a totally different way by the listener. So, while words are being communicated, there is a glitch in the processing and transmission, which leads to a whole other set of relationship problems.
So, what to do? While it’s not a fool-proof plan to solving all relationship woes, one of the best things to do is to be an active listener. This means that during a conversation, men have to put down the PS3 controller and the remote and women need to pause Basketball Wives and minimize the online shopping site to give their significant other their full, undivided attention. You then need to listen to the words coming out of the other person’s mouth—don’t create some negative reply, don’t think about what he/she didn’t do last week, and don’t cop an immediate attitude-just hear him/her out. Finally, you need to step outside your personal box and start trying to process information like your significant other would.
The easiest way to avoid and resolve conflicts is to understand where the other person is coming from, which is difficult when the sexes normally see an identical situation differently. To alleviate this problem, take the time to think in another color. “What does she think when I say this?” or “What does he mean when he says this?” Just because what you say or think makes sense to you, doesn’t mean it makes sense to your partner. Communication is about getting your view across to the other person. If they don’t understand the message you’re trying to convey then we have a breakdown in communication which will lead to subsequent problems. Everyone wants to be heard and understood. Reach your partner where they are and not where you think they should be. And then, give them an opportunity to get to where you think they should be; but help them get there. Convey the message in a way they’ll understand so that you’re both on the same page. When women start thinking in blue and men start thinking in pink, it will make communication that much easier. We promise it won’t make you too rough or any less of a man; in fact, your significant other will probably love you more and make it worth your while (hint, hint). Nobody said this would be easy, but it’s definitely a start. Good luck!
